Update 1 October 2023 – When I wrote this post back in 2013, my focus was on sharing my experience with the reader and how forgiving others benefits us mentally, emotionally and spiritually. The tools I shared were of a metaphysical nature.
There is another benefit of learning to forgive – improving our Emotional Intelligence and raising our Emotional Quotient (EQ). I address this further in the post.
The journey of forgiving unknown people.
In my post How to break free of limiting beliefs created by others without cutting off relationships, I mentioned the nightmare that ensued after my website had been hacked. I also mentioned receiving support and recognized the role of the Universe and Gratitude in my life.
What I did not mention was a tweet that caught my eye on Bucket Lists.
Or my on the spur reply that my Bucket List included someday forgiving the Hacker who made a mess of things for me. I needed the power of forgiving to heal. My reply was favourited by the Tweep.
Since then, I have ticked off that item from my list and forgiven the hacker. I also pray that it does not happen again and affirm that All Is Well.
I have taken control of my situation and am doing what is required to keep myself and restore the sanctity of my website/blog.
On a Good Friday afternoon, I started to reflect on what had happened and remembered a book I had read by Johann Christoph Arnold about a year ago titled ‘Why Forgive?’.
The book makes a lot more sense now. Whether it is how I felt or how any reader who has ever found themselves in a place where they have to forgive a wrong done to them.
What Forgiving has taught me
By forgiving, I have opened the door to peace and can focus on things and people that matter more to me. I have time to be grateful for the friends and colleagues who helped me, the internet friends who shared their stories and gave me priceless tips.
In forgiving, we are not belittling the hurt and pain that has been inflicted on us. Rather, we are shielding ourselves from being drawn into the dark place where bitterness resides.
It allows us to acknowledge and accept the fact that a wrong has been done to us without the need to retaliate or take out our frustrations on other people.
We rise above ourselves and from a place of objectivity, try to restore what is ours and if it cannot be restored, then accept and move on.
We also take the first step to healing.
Such is the power of forgiving.
It is easy, so very easy to give in to bitterness. Maintain a calm countenance and then let a small unrelated incident make us erupt like a volcano.
If we get away with it because family and friends understand, we might fall into the false sense that we can get away with it as and when we please.
It would not be too long before we would spiral into self-destructive behavior instead of stopping to smell the flowers and count the things that are good in life.
There may also be moments when our anger turns inwards on ourselves with the mind- game of reruns of how we allowed ourselves to be hurt. When these thoughts start to invade, forgive yourself.
Use an affirmation that acknowledges that you have been hurt and proceed to forgive the perpetrator of the hurt and yourself. It does not have to be very complicated. Just a simple “In forgiving you, I forgive myself” can also work.
The book I referred to has a passage where it quotes the Gospel and the Sermon on the Mount where Jesus Christ says to bless our enemies and those who persecute us. Who does not remember the famous words– “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do”?
From a coaching perspective, my suggestion is to focus on those actions that are in your control. If it is anger or frustration at events or people, then acknowledge your hurt or pain and take the steps within your control to protect yourself. Use the powerful tool of forgiveness to retain your dignity and control of your life.
Emotional Intelligence and Forgiving
Nowadays Emotional Intelligence is being valued as much if not higher than knowledge, skills or even IQ. People with high Emotional Intelligence have certain traits and skills.
One’s social skills are important and the level of competence in this affects our level of Emotional Intelligence.
Forgiveness is one such social skill the lack of which, as pointed out by psychologists is an indication of low Emotional Intelligence.
Forgiveness is not only good for your health but it also helps us to avoid release frustration, anger and resentment. Internalize these and I can guarantee your blood pressure will shoot up which is definitely not good for your heart.
The way I see it, having high Emotional Intelligence helps us to forgive easily BUT, when we learn to forgive, we raise our EI too!
It comes down to the first quadrant of Daniel Coleman’s Emotional Intelligence Model – Self Awareness that I showed in my post on empathy and EI.
Self-Awareness starts with knowing yourself and the triggers that lead to an action or reaction.
Coming back to my story, it meant I accepted and acknowledged that I had been hurt. I even gave myself permission to cry and feel my pain and shock at the sight of a messed-up website.
Once the emotions were out of the way, I accepted the situation and explored how I wanted to deal with it.
I knew I had a choice. I could have shut down the website and wallowed in misery. Or I could choose to clear myself of resentment and anger at an unknown person or persons by forgiving them. And do what was required to bring my website back in order.
The deed was done and even though I chose the latter course of action, it was not easy working once again with my website developer to fix things and then employing another expert to check for back-doors and plug potential loopholes while also servicing clients and a workshop that I was running at the time.
It wasn’t just the unnecessary expenditure but the time crunch and having to wear a hat that I need not have but for this event that.
I later learned it was part of a brute force attack at the time and I wasn’t the only person who got affected.
Yet something good came out of this harrowing experience.
I developed empathy for other business owners who in later years have had similar experiences. The experience put me in a position to help them cope with the indignation and outrage they were experiencing. Nobody likes the desecration of their online home where visitors are welcome but not intruders who mess up the home.
Forgiving helps lessen the impact of the action that has hurt us enabling us to move ahead.
We never forget what happened, but we remember it as a simple chapter in our life as we write new and better chapters.
Have you ever needed to forgive someone you did not know but who had caused you pain?
How did you cope with it? Did you demonstrate emotionally intelligent traits?
Additional Resources for embracing Forgiveness and Self-Awareness
The book ‘Why Forgive?‘ by the famous author Johann Christoph Arnold is available on Amazon in both paper back and Kindle form. The edition that I am referring to is 2009 which has since been updated in May 2014. I’m providing a preview below of this must read book. Please remember to view my Privacy Policy should you choose to purchase this book.
Written by: Vatsala Shukla
In my experience, Vatsala is a very professional and dedicated coach, respecting the client’s natural pace, while at the same time seeking to maintain momentum and commitment in the coaching sessions.
Vatsala is a dynamic professional with a human touch. She was instrumental in assisting me through a challenging phase a year ago and I still put to use the techniques she generously shared for ensuring personal well-being in the humdrum of life. I wish her the best.
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