We all know a bully or two. Every so often, we meet people who make comments and we are stunned to the extent that we don’t know how to respond. It could be a simple remark about your attire or even a derogatory comment.
It could also be a toxic boss or co-worker in the office.
Stumped in the moment, have you ever rewound the situation after the event? Played out what you could have said or how you could have acted?
Bullies or meanies, as I like to call them are essentially cowards or folks trying to raise their own self esteem by putting others down.
Important lesson from when I handled a bully in kindergarten
I remember as a kindergartner in New York, there was a meanie in my class. The good news was that she bullied everyone. The bad news was I got more than my fair share of nasty hurtful comments.
None of the parents took our complaints seriously. Stacy (name changed) was absolutely angelic when the parents were around.
In fact she had a wonderful mother who in spite of being a working mother helped out at the kiddie events the school organized for us.
On one occasion things got out of hand and I turned to my father whom I considered an authority.
Instead of promising to talk to the class teacher, he told me I had to learn to stand up for myself. He suggested I first find out from her why I was being given the special treatment.
In retrospect, I was being taught to first identify the root of the problem and then find a solution.
It took tremendous courage on my part but the next time she hit out at me, with great trepidation, I asked her, “What is it about me that you don’t like?”
Stacy the bully was stumped and ran off blustering incoherent words.
We did talk later about the root cause of her particular attention to me. Her parents were divorced, and she only met her father for a few days during the holidays. Her anger against me was because my father dropped me off to school every morning.
I told her my father was a busy person and the morning walk to school was the only time I really saw him during the week. Stacy melted a bit when she heard I was in bed by the time he returned from work.
The happy ending to this story was that she targeted another kid and left me alone.
3 Questions guaranteed to stun the Bully
Looking back, that was a lesson in assertiveness for me. By asking for a clarification, we force the aggressor to back off while buying us time to think of an assertive response. It is a far better technique than becoming defensive or crying.
So calmly ask the person who makes a derogatory remark
“What is it about my suggestion/idea/comment that you find ridiculous?’
“Can you tell me what it is about me that you find unacceptable?
“What is it about me that you don’t like?”
If the other person is targeting you to vent their frustrations, they will have to think twice.
Quite possibly, there is something in your behavior that is upsetting them and they are having trouble being articulate. This might be the beginning of clarification and change of behavior; theirs, yours or even both.
In my experience, the inability to handle mean people or bullies is often a reflection of lack of confidence in ourselves.
That’s where my Kindle book Self Confidence in 8 Steps is a valuable resource to help you build your self-esteem and confidence (learn more here).
Ever had to deal with a meanie? How did you approach the situation?
Additional Resources to handle Toxic People and especially Bullies
Update April 2024: This course is available at Karmic Ally Coaching’s Success Solutions.
Emotionally Intelligent People don’t bully others. They possess 10 traits that help them stand out from others.
Find out if you have them with this free checklist.
This post was originally published in May 2012 and updated in October 2026 for relevance and value to the reader.
Posts
I adhere to the Certified Coaches Alliance Code of Ethics and Standards. A copy is available on request.
Let's Talk through the Connect Form: