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Toxic people are bad enough but what if it is your boss?

It’s amazing how little things bring back memories one thought were long forgotten. Earlier this month a connection back at LinkedIn asked a question related to feelings when a boss demeans us.

I shared my experience and how I made sure I was never that kind of a boss. Sometimes a negative role model helps us define our leadership style by providing a stark contrast.

Fortunately I never suffered from sexual harassment in my corporate world days but I did have a boss who harassed me enough to bring me to the verge of a heart attack.

I have since learned that a bad boss can be bad for your heart as per Gallup.

Not because I wasn’t good at my job but a new boss often wants to bring in their own people and will go to no end to achieve their goal.

That’s a normal occurrence in the corporate world and I was lucky that my employer wanted to keep me so transferred me to another division.

They also had policies on harassment and whistle blowing that were applied in all their global offices.

When I look back at the incident I realize that the boss was actually bullying me.

In future employments I always checked the employer’s policies. It was an important factor in my accepting a job offer.

Coming back to demonic boss, I was assertive and remember asking him the 3 questions that flustered him.  I guess the shock of having his power questioned must have caused it. 🙂

You can use the same technique that I’ve shared in my blog post How to Handle a Bully? You Need to Stun Gun the Meanie 

Then a few days back, I was having a conversation with a friend about toxic bosses and work environment and our war stories from the corporate world. We joked that we must have had stickers on our foreheads giving permission to be harassed.

I remembered demonic boss and realized that in addition to being a bully, his actions ruined the ambiance in the department with a team that had otherwise worked well with each other turning into a bunch of backstabbers.

Since the team interacted with people outside the department, their activities were noticed by everyone.

Fortunately, my division was independent and when I had to interact with my old team, they were decent enough to give me the required respect and refrain from involving me in the new games that were being played.

Toxic bosses can do more damage and it isn’t surprising that professionals often leave their jobs due to them – a finding confirmed by Gallup.

The truth is, toxic people are just a part of life. We’ve all been faced with them and it’s likely that every one of us has allowed a toxic person to get the better of us.

Unfortunately, these toxic people seem to attach themselves to reasonable people or those who they feel are weak or emotionally vulnerable.

We all have at least one of them in our social (or professional) circle. In a perfect world, you could simply cut them out and walk away. Unfortunately, not every situation is as simple as ghosting someone or cutting them out.

Apart from October being the Prevention of Bullying Month, it is also Mental Health Awareness Month.

What I want to share with you today is relevant to both.

The damage that toxic people can do isn’t always obvious.

In fact, the damage is subtle. You start to question yourself, believing that perhaps you’re over-sensitive or reacting poorly. You question your own feelings and opinions.

It’s important that you recognize harmful behavior and know how to minimize its impact.

It’s just as important to understand that you cannot change their behavior, you can’t change toxic people.

The first step to managing toxic people is understanding what it is that makes them view you as a soft target or prey.

Please remember that this doesn’t mean you are to blame. However, there is something about you that has caused this person to latch on.

Perhaps it’s because you’re too nice to put your foot down, it could be fear or something else. So, think about what it is about you that could potentially invite toxic people to try and take advantage of you.

Now, let’s take a look at some common tactics of toxic people and how you can manage them.

Toxic People know how to play Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde with panache

In other words, they keep you guessing by blowing hot and cold.

You never know which version of this person will appear. One day they are the nicest person on the planet and the next, they act as though you have stolen a prized possession.

There is no obvious explanation as to why their attitude has changed, you just recognize that it has. You can ask what’s wrong, but they’ll tell you there’s nothing wrong. You might even make excuses for their behavior.

My 2 cents? Don’t try to please toxic people. They know exactly what they’re doing and will have you jumping through hoops. Leave them alone and approach them if their mood changes.

You don’t control their feelings, nor are you responsible for them. If you have genuinely done something to hurt someone, then you can apologize and talk about it. A toxic person will keep you guessing, and that’s not helpful.

Toxic People are Masters in the Art of Manipulation

Do you feel like you’re the only person who is actively contributing to a relationship? Then, you might be right.

Toxic people are adept at manipulating people into making others into believing that you owe them. They’re also incredibly good at doing things that hurt you but selling it as an attempt to help.

This is something that often occurs in a professional environment. The toxic person makes out as though they are doing you a massive favor, but what they’re really doing is putting you in an impossible situation and acting as though it’s to your benefit.

Trying to use logic with a toxic person is like trying to win a boxing match with a kangaroo who’s bent the rules. You’re going to get knocked out because the referee won’t even know rules are being subtly broken.

Don’t fall for this, you don’t owe anyone and if someone acts like they’re doing you a favor, but it doesn’t feel like one… then, it isn’t.

Toxic People don’t own their own Feelings

Instead of taking ownership of their own feelings, these guys are great at projecting their thoughts and feelings onto others. In this situation, it’s you.

They feel angry, but instead of owning that they accuse you of being the angry one. They will force you to prove yourself.

Just remember this, you don’t need to justify or deal with an accusation that is clear projection. You’ll know when it’s happening because you will find yourself constantly defending yourself against accusations that make no sense.

Developing your self-awareness plays an important role in self-protection.

While tactics and strategies to deal with toxic people and bullies can be dished out by the barrel, these are responses to triggers.

There’s a better way to handle this.

An emotionally intelligent person will pick up the vibes faster and take preventive action. They don’t wait for unpleasant things to happen. They have a high degree of self-awareness and take control of the situation to prevent it from affecting them adversely.

If this is an area that you are aware needs improvement, then my digital resource How to Develop Emotional Intelligence with Ease will help.

I believe you deserve to lead a happy successful life and the guide has 3 awesome bonus resources. You’re getting the entire package at an unbelievable price of $37. Check out my special offer here.

Update 18 April 2022 and 2024:

If you need more specific guidance, then check out my course Detox your Toxic Workplace that looks at both toxic bosses, colleagues and gives resilience building exercises here or by clicking the image below. This course has moved to Karmic Ally Coaching Success Solutions in April 2024 and links have been updated.