Conflict resolution is an important skill both in the workplace as well as in one’s personal life. But it’s not an easy skill to master because our emotions get in the way.

One of the biggest challenges I’ve faced as a Team Leader and Manager was bringing the different members of my audit teams to work as one and not a group of individuals brought together for an assignment.

One had to manage the project close, the goals of each individuals and ensure they worked as a group while managing personality and working styles.

When professionals are from different disciplines, this is normal and it’s up to the leader to manage the clash of personalities and even egos sometimes.

Even then, there were times when conflicts arose and had to be handled with tact and understanding.

Sometimes the conflict can be with the boss as I narrate in my post Dealing with Ethical Dilemmas can be Easy and the steps to take if you’re in that situation.

Be honest, how do you feel about confrontation?

Have you ever had a difficult confrontation that made you wonder at the end of it, that you were going bonkers or wee bit mad?

Does the thought of confronting someone at home or work leave you feeling anxious or depressed?

Are you the kind of person who actively goes out of your way to avoid conflict, even when doing so makes your life more difficult?

Maybe you’re the kind of person who is ready to charge into the arena like a bull agitated by the Matador and take the conflict issue head on.

Or you make every effort to avoid conflict and bury your head in the sand like an ostrich.

Either way it’s an uncomfortable situation and the solution is nonviable in the long run.

For most of us, the idea of confronting someone about a problem we have is enough to trigger a flood of feelings.

And when you imagine yourself sitting across from that person, talking about something that has been bothering you or causing you pain, you can’t help but get emotional just thinking about it.

You don’t want to get emotional in front of them, but you can’t see a way to resolve your problem without confronting the situation.

The non-resolution of the conflict exacerbates into higher stress levels and ultimately your health and work performance.

Sadly, most of us were not given a great model for this or taught these skills in school. Many of us have learned to avoid conflict or become passive and hope it will go away.

Sometimes it becomes even more difficult because the other person is toxic and simply baiting you to bring out the worst in you.

So, what are you to do?

The good news is, confrontation and conflict don’t have to result in anguish or late nights wondering what YOU did wrong.

Whether your conflict is professional or personal, learning how to resolve these problems successfully is an important skill to have. You need to know how to apply emotional intelligence in the workplace.

When you can do it properly, you’ll feel good about the resolution, and you will finally stop tossing and turning at night. Here’s how.

3 Steps to resolve conflict without a headache

Get Mentally Prepared for the Conflict Situation

Before confronting someone, be sure you thoroughly evaluate what you believe the problem to be, how it makes you feel, and the specific issue you think needs to be addressed.

Be sure to focus on the problem at hand, NOT the emotions, concerns, or other factors that may be related but are not relevant to this discussion.

Prepare for your specific conversation, including how you will respond to their likely retorts or justifications.

The more prepared you are, the better you think and manage your emotions in the moment.

What is it that this person really cares about? What is their perspective on this issue?

Trying to understand their point of view using Perceptual Positions helps you be better prepared with your counterpoints.

What is your ideal solution, and how can you make that work for them?

Another suggestion is to do role play.

Role-playing with someone can help you prepare and figure out where your emotional triggers might be.

Get feedback from others about how to approach the situation or respond to their arguments.

Remember you are there to talk about the specific situation, not the other person.

This is about resolving the problem to protect your relationship, not to destroy them.

Create a Productive Engagement

I go into more detail in my course Detox Your Toxic Workplace but in essence, here’s how you create an ambiance where both parties can engage in constructive dialogue.

Talk with the other person in private or another safe environment rather than in front of other people.

Remember to focus on the positives so that you can build from there and stay firm on your need to address the problem you are having.

Speak in facts, not emotions, and then allow the other person to respond.

Allow them to express their point of view and genuinely listen to what they are saying.

Focus on your needs and feelings without bringing others into the mix.

If you bring up how others feel, it will make them feel attacked and judged, and it makes you look weak that you need their support to justify your claims.

Remain calm, focus on the real issue, and do your best to explore solutions and possibilities, even if they are different from your own.

Come prepared with support, facts, and data that back up your claim to what you believe you are entitled to from this outcome.

Be confident that you are asking for what you deserve or need.

Stay Focused on the Issue

Throughout your conversation, don’t take anything personally. It will be tough but stick to the agenda of the conversation – the issue.

You are there to resolve a problem, not to feel better about yourself. This is not about you. This is about addressing the issue.

Do not use inflammatory language, and use “I” statements to focus on how this situation is affecting you.

Avoid absolute language (never, always), as well. Assume that the other person has positive intentions and would like to see this situation resolved, as well, and you may find you get a better result.

It’s okay if the outcome that you agree upon is not your idea, as long as it is something you can live with.

Focus on finding solutions that give you both what you need and want and discuss the pros and cons of any resolution together before making an agreement.

Agree what each of you will do to resolve the problem and set a time to meet again soon to check in on your progress.

Be sure you follow through with your end of the deal, as well. You are one-half of this relationship, so do your part to solve this problem, too.

Bonus Tip: Confront and Banish Your Fears and Weaknesses

You may be scared of what outcome will emerge by taking the above approach to conflict resolution. Fear in dealing with such situations is normal. While you can’t control the outcome completely, you can control your Inner Feelings.

My suggestion, whether metaphysical or not is always to confront the fear or weakness by acknowledging it, analyzing it and then letting it go. The letting go part is the difficult one just as breaking a bad habit.

This Confrontation Technique will give you the confidence you need to do the right thing.

Final Words on Conflict Resolution

You do not have to choose between staying in control of your emotions or finding a resolution to your conflicts. You can have both.

You just need to learn to manage your feelings more effectively while asking for what you need.

I know I’m not alone in dealing with conflict and I chose to have both. Do you?

Imagine how knowing how to manage conflict will reduce your stress levels.

Setting clear boundaries and mutual expectations can help us avoid most conflict. It also helps us build relationships based on trust.

So many professionals have asked me about managing their emotions when dealing with conflicts.

And I’ve seen so many make the mistake of internalizing their feelings without addressing the issue at hand and then let it fester until there is an outburst. And that’s just backwards.

So I’ve put together a report for free that would help professionals like you, learn a few techniques to focus on the right things during conflict resolution so that you get what you need without losing your cool.

Conflict management skills are a lifetime practice.

It may still feel uncomfortable and stressful when conflict arises but using this short report will increase your confidence having tough conversations and respond well.

Any of the items in the report can provide valuable insights, even if you only do one.

Would this be of interest to you?

Click here or on the image below and get your copy now.

Situational Leadership isn’t a new concept but its importance is becoming relevant to meet the demands of an increasingly diverse society and corporate workplace. Especially in the pandemic world.

A one-size-fits-all leadership style doesn’t meet the demands or requirements while Situational leadership offers a more flexible solution.

Back in my auditor days, our audit teams often had professionals from other departments like tax and IT join us for major audits. Our job on these particular areas was to do a broad overview and complete checklists to enable them to do more in-depth work.

Risk management and compliance required them to review systems and other important areas enabling us to prepare our audit reports which the audit partner could sign off on as being true and fair.

The Audit Manager had to ensure a smooth running of this complex team with different skill sets, temperaments and requirements.

Quite often the outside team members would be of different experience levels and required a supervisor or manager to help them get the required information from the client.

Getting the team to work as one could be challenging at times when there were diverse specialists.

In modern businesses, especially multinational companies, one finds different teams from different backgrounds and cultures. Dealing with these diverse groups sometimes means switching one’s leadership approach.

This is why many business leaders are embracing situational leadership as a management style and its growing popularity.

A good leader knows how to achieve organization goals while also helping their teams achieve their own goals. This leadership style facilitates it.

Sociology textbooks explain how various researchers have contributed in this area, but the concept is relatively straightforward.

Instead of sticking with what you know, you adapt your leadership style to different circumstances.

That’s a simple explanation of Situational Leadership.

The origins of Situational Leadership Styles

This leadership style was first described by Paul Hersey and Ken Blanchard in their 1969 book, Management of Organizational Behavior. Originally called the “Life Cycle Theory of Leadership,” several years later they renamed it “situational leadership theory”.

Hersey and Blanchard each developed individual theories based on the initial concept of situational leadership, which they further described in their books, The Situational Leader (Hersey 1985) and The One-Minute Manager (Blanchard 1982) and Leadership and the One Minute Manager Updated Ed: Increasing Effectiveness Through Situational Leadership II (Blanchard 2013).

The basic concept behind a situational leadership style is that the leader changes their approach to leadership based on the needs of the moment, hence the term “situational.”

It’s the opposite of one size fits all. Some employees or team members are proficient at their work and can take more responsibility.

You can delegate tasks and do a periodic check-in while you might need to manage a junior team member more with a focus on clearly defined tasks and deadlines.

Because no two situations are the same, the situational leadership style borrows from many other leadership styles to find the right approach based on the circumstances and situation.

Four Leadership Styles under Situational Leadership

Briefly, these 4 leadership styles come under the umbrella of situational leadership. A good leader will use the required style depending on the situation.

Telling style

Short-term approach designed to create movement in the employee with the approach to leading others adjusted based on the needs of the moment.

This style works best when a manager needs to get the best results from a group with a lesser skill set. It involves a high amount of supervision from managers, and it’s much more focused on completion of tasks than boosting the relationship and psychological safety between manager and employee.

It’s the most autocratic of the styles and is commonly seen in military situations.

Coaching or explaining style

Intended to create buy-in and understanding. It puts the leader in more of a coaching role than a directing one and sports organizations commonly use this style.

It aligns with followers with limited experience performing the task but exude both confidence and motivation toward the process of leader-driven skill development.

The leader’s job is to make sure tasks go to those best suited to the job while providing advice and experience.

Participating leadership style 

This is a democratic approach and used to create alignment. It is best suited for teams with high skill sets where the leader provides more feedback than guidance.

It is a good style to help junior managers develop their own leadership skills.

Delegating leadership style

Designed to create autonomy at the employee level and let employees run with their own projects. It works well for staff with high skill levels and is the most hands-off approach of all 4 styles.

In this case, the leader oversees the work while ensuring things go according to plan. It’s an ideal approach when working with senior team members.

Whichever leadership style is adopted to match the situation, the leader clearly exercises influence and needs to choose the right style to be effective.

If you want to develop your own situational leadership style, then this 2 step approach will provide you with the required guidance to take informed decisions.

Two Step Approach to applying Situation Leadership

Step 1 – Assessing the Situation

There are many factors to take into account when you’re working with a group, especially the nature of your team and what you’re trying to accomplish.

Keep these tips in mind:

1. Evaluate engagement. Willingness and enthusiasm are two key qualities to look for. Some obvious signs of employee engagement include exceeding expectations and spending time on professional development activities.
2. Measure ability. In addition to willingness, your team must also be able to do the required tasks. You may want to administer tests or ask for self-assessments.
3. Explore personalities. Understanding personalities matters too. Talking about values and work styles can help you to figure out how to motivate your team and handle conflicts.
4. Clarify expectations. Lay down some ground rules and work at developing group and individual goals. Put your principles and objectives down in writing.
5. Define tasks. Consider the nature of your work. Is it mostly simple and routine or does it involve more complex reasoning and variety?
6. Meet deadlines. Keep your timeline in mind. Will you need to make decisions on your own quickly or is there more room for discussion and consultation?

Step 2 – Understanding Your Options

As we learned earlier, there’s no one-style-fits-all style of leadership. In order to be influential and effective, you need to expand your leadership skills.

This will prepare you for a range of opportunities that you’re likely to come across in today’s workplace.

Depending on the situation, various strategies may be effective, such as:

1. Provide direction. Sometimes leadership boils down to giving instructions. That may be the case if your team is limited in terms of willingness or ability.
2. Offer coaching. At the same time, you may be able to offer more support and less direction as your team acquires greater experience and forms stronger relationships. Create a culture of constructive feedback, high standards, and ongoing learning.
3. Delegate responsibility. Identify which tasks you need to do yourself and which you can hand over to someone else. This may include recurring activities or those that give employees a chance to upgrade their skills.
4. Earn trust. Even if your role carries a high level of authority, it’s beneficial to build trust. A team is more likely to succeed if they feel secure and respected. Strive to be consistent and objective. Communicate openly and take responsibility for your decisions.
5. Set an example. What does your behavior say about your character and abilities? Your team will notice what you do as well as what you say. Honor your commitments and work on your listening skills.
6. Build personal relationships. Meaningful connections and shared goals turn a group of individuals into a team. As a leader, it’s important to establish rapport and show appreciation. Stay positive and approachable.
7. Identify talent. Who are the shining stars on your team? Create future leaders by spotting talent and nurturing it. Pay attention to potential along with current performance, so you’ll be prepared for emerging needs and opportunities.

Successful leaders keep growing and applying what they learn.

Developing your situational leadership skills can help you to advance your career, while you help increase productivity and morale.

Is this an area you already know you need to develop?

If yes, then get Karmic Ally Coaching’s Influential Leader Crash course here or click the image below for more information.

Do you have experience with using situational leadership in your organisation?

Intelligent leaders know their success depends upon their ability to make the group of people they are supposed to lead work together as a team.

Shakespeare definitely knew what he was talking about when he wrote ‘uneasy lies the head that wears the crown’ (Shakespeare’s play, Henry IV, Part II) because being a leader isn’t easy.

It takes a lot of personal and professional work to be the kind of leader a team wants to follow.

You have to establish the right power base to command respect and ensure the team you build will work together as a unit rather than a bunch of people thrown in together for a common cause.

There are times when you need to lead on a war footing, especially when handling a crisis situation and other times, set the tone and pace by being a good role model.

Then there are also times when you might find yourself being an unofficial leader of a group set up to achieve a project or task when the appointed leader is ineffective or unable to guide the team to achieve the final goal.

Given your knowledge and expertise you might become the leader guiding an otherwise rudderless boat to the shore of project completion.

That happened sometime back with a friend who was asked to be part of a steering group for an important project at her organization.

The problem was, the Project Manager who was the driver of the project wasn’t able to get the right information or support from the owner of the project and the update meetings weren’t going anywhere.

My friend’s efforts to be helpful with suggestions led to a situation where the driver started looking to her for guidance when in fact her role was to simply do an overview and raise points to be included in the project.

I consider my friend to be an influential leader and clearly, in a crisis moment with a deadline looming like a dark cloud the driver turned to her to save the day and his job.

She extricated herself from the situation with great diplomacy and sensitivity and regained her position of a steering group member rather than doing the project but there were lessons to be learned.

For starters the owner of the project was not assisting the driver with help and resources and failed in their job of being a leader and other members ended up doing tasks that were not theirs in the first place which meant a break in the protocols of planning, execution and review.

It brings home an important point, a leader must be able to understand team dynamics.

In earlier posts I’ve written about how the team leader can help the team achieve their personal professional goals too. In this post, the focus is on the leader and his/her ability to manage team or group dynamics for success.

Understanding Group or Team Dynamics

The term Group Dynamics, first used back in 1939 by social psychologist and change management expert Kurt Lewin, is defined as “positive and negative forces within groups of people.”

Lewin noted that people often take on distinct roles and behaviors when they work in a group.

Group dynamics describes the effects of these roles and behaviors on other group members and on the group as a whole whether it is positive or negative.

As a leader, you need to consider group or team dynamics because that’s what’s going to determine how effective your team works and that then influences the final outcome of any project your team works on.

Once you know the parameters and monitor them, you can influence the outcome.

In a way that’s what my friend did once she realized what was happening and got the project back on track with the assigned leader (the owner of the project) and the driver taking back ownership for the project).

We used the same concept in my audit days when the audit teams were planned based on creating positive group dynamics. We matched the skills that were required for the audit with the ability of the audit team members to work together, helping each other and being productive.

In high pressure assignments, having a group with poor dynamics is a recipe for disaster and the leader will end up spending more time on conflict management than getting the job done – even if each team member is supposed to be competent and talented at their work.

Managing Team Dynamics in today’s business world

Managing team dynamics can be challenging in today’s business world with global and remote teams but it can be done.

There are factors an influential leader needs to consider while managing team dynamics.

Here are a few that I’ve seen during my global corporate world days as well as from the experiences of clients.

Working with Diversity

The ability to work with diversity and especially within a group is critical for the leader. Different issues can arise and it’s for the leader to decide how they will handle it to ensure performance of the team under them isn’t adversely affected.

The global economy has brought together diverse cultures interspersed into the workplace. Sometimes, this can result in a form of culture shock.

Companies having a global presence understand this and offer training on how to manage diversity. The training sets up guidelines and rules on how to behave in the workplace and what is and is not expected when certain conditions arise.

The training is usually mandatory and human resource departments are often looked upon to monitor violations of the guidelines. Sometimes, they may require employees to retake the training to reinforce the concepts.

In one of the energy sector company’s where I worked, this training was mandatory even for the spouses before being sent on international assignments and it helped prevent many potential misunderstandings with the local staff.

I share my ideas on bridging cultural differences in my blog post How to bridge cultural differences in business with ease.

Diversity can take different forms and each form needs to be handled in a special manner.

Employees may feel alienated when a group of people start speaking a foreign language. It might seem rude but it’s not all that simple.

People from different countries usually speak their native tongues better than second languages so while working they can get more accomplished by doing so.

One way to help in this area, is to ask to speak in a common language when the conversation turns casual and only speak in the native language when conducting business. This way everyone can participate in the casual conversations.

Sometimes something as simple as foods that people of different cultures eat can cause people to feel uneasy. It may not smell right to those unfamiliar with them or it could be a type of food that they would never imagine eating.

Luckily, issues of food are usually much lighter than other issues and are often a great way to break the ice.

Religion is another tricky situation since beliefs are something that people hold for much of their lives. Even with training, it can be difficult for some people to fully accept religions outside of their own.

Many people tend to overcome these differences after working together for a while. For others, it may take more time, if at all.

The leader needs to ensure ground rules are set where faith and beliefs don’t enter the professional workspace.

It’s not just cultural issues that may come up, it can be issues across gender lines and sexual orientation. There are more women than ever in the workplace and in decades past men tended to be insensitive to women that did work.

Sexual preferences and sensitivity to people that are trans-gendered are all situations that make diversity even that much more complicated.

What people tend to find out after working with these diversities, is that people are not that much different overall.

In fact, if we search for common ground, we can establish new workplace friendships and bonds that can last a lifetime as well as learn something new in the process.

Working Well in a Virtual Environment

While many of us are accustomed to working from home from time to time, in pandemic times it has become a normal situation with many professionals preferring to continue to work from home or at least for the major part of their work week since one can connect with the office through the internet.

This can present some challenges in working well with people that are still required to be in the office full time.

The first challenge is virtual workers are going to be the envy of their office counterparts and that could lead to some jealousy.

Why do some employees get to do it and others are not allowed?

As a leader, you’ll need to handle this situation delicately. Some jobs need the worker to be onsite. For instance, a computer operations person may need to swap out drives, or backup tapes, etc.

Organizations should have some kind of provision that gives onsite workers incentive for not being able to work at home.

Maintaining good group dynamics becomes challenging for the leader because he has to manage a scattered team and keep them working together as a group.

While the individual team members will need to ensure they maintain professional standards outside of the workplace, here are my 10 best practices that the leader should follow to help them and the team.

Defuse charged situations and try to turn them into a Win-Win

As a leader, you’re going to deal with adverse situations at work. It’s a fact of life.

Under pressure even the best of colleagues can end up having fights that can impact the entire team’s performance and the quality of the work produced.

The worst way to handle this is to blow up and get angry. This puts you on the defense and it’s difficult to think rationally when this happens. It also can lead the way into saying something that you’ll regret later.

A better approach is to find ways to make the situation a win-win for everyone involved. This may not always be easy, or even possible, but if you can make it happen, it will diffuse the situation and create more harmony in the work environment.

The first step in looking for ways to make it a win-win is to try and see the situation from the perspective of the parties involved. Perhaps one of them is experiencing some problems at home and it’s affected his or her judgment at work?

You have to try to find out without appearing to pry. This could be as simple as asking if the person has something they want to talk about. Even just showing that you are willing to do this can go a long way to diffuse the situation.

You could proceed to offer to take on some of the person’s workload and assign it to someone else if that’s what they are struggling with. Just make it clear that this is a short term arrangement, with the understanding that they need to take up the duties after such a time.

In my experience, when there is a good and healthy team environment, colleagues do rally around the team member needing support and work isn’t affected.

If the situation is work related, try to work with the person to find a solution that will help them solve it. This will take some time out of your day but having the person return to a good place is going to make this extra time worth it.

Of course, there are going to be people that no matter how much effort you put in to try and help, it simply won’t work out.

That’s when a leader who needs to keep team morale high has to decide on tougher action.

Maybe the team member needs counselling with an appropriate professional within the organization or even put on a performance improvement plan.

This should be the last course of action but may be necessary. You will likely find that most people will be receptive when they see that you both come out as winners.

There will never be a perfect team environment and you will almost certainly have team members who are sloppy and make constant mistakes.

This can create a challenge for the team but by remaining calm and focused on solving whatever the problem is, the team can move forward with the project.

Final Thoughts on managing Team Dynamics

Leadership seems to come naturally for some. For some managing group dynamics is more than just an organization but a bigger population.

George Washington, founding father and Revolutionary War commanding general of the United States, Mahatma Gandhi who started the non-violence Independence Movement in India, Martin Luther King and Winston Churchill all seemed to find just the right words and tone of voice to lead nations through difficult times and forward to positive changes.

The names I’ve just taken are of course recorded in history but you don’t have to aspire to be a world-class leader to reap the benefits of leadership skills.

Whether you’re aspiring to lead a corporation, a sports team or your own family in a way that promotes honesty, integrity and a purposeful lifestyle, leadership skills are necessary to ensure your success.

Leadership means different things to different people. And, just because someone may have a “title” or be in a leadership role doesn’t necessarily mean he or she is a true leader.

The model (definition) of a leader is someone who motivates and inspires themselves and others to move forward to reach a goal or vision to the benefit of everyone.

A good leader manages and coaches their teams on how to make a vision a reality, whether it’s winning a championship, completing a project or winning a war.

In other words, does this person influence others for all round benefits?

In my experience, people often get promoted to leadership ranks without the right training and while they may be good at their work, they aren’t able to create the right impact to lead a team.

Think about it.

What would it mean to you and your career if you got a better understanding of what is required of you as a leader in the workplace as well as develop your own power base, learn to influence, inspire and empower people and your team to take action?

To lead a team with good team dynamics?

Are you an influential leader? Do you want to improve this skill?

If yes, then you’ll also want to check out A crash course to become an Influential Leader.

A few years back I wrote about the Big Brother Cat style of management focusing on what leaders shouldn’t do.

In that post, I left out 1 action good leaders don’t do unless they can really justify it and have considered the effect on their team with the order ‘Do as I say, not as I do’.

Maybe there were readers out there who had this kind of a boss.

Perhaps they identified with the visual of galley mice on a slave ship. Either way, it was my most popular post for more than 6 months!

The true meaning of ‘Do as I say, not as I do’

I remember being given this instruction by my parents while growing up. Especially about talking to strangers or why I couldn’t wear makeup until I was 17 (when other mothers were allowing it).

I’d see them doing it and get confused.

Then those schoolteachers who’d tell us not to loiter in the hall between classes but didn’t think twice about doing it themselves.

To my young mind, the instructions were in conflict with their actions as my role model.

Essentially telling me to follow their advice or instructions but not their example was confusing until they shared the logic or the background. I admit, my first response to these orders was resistance.

And I saw the resistance come up even during my corporate world years when the boss didn’t bother to explain the logic the way a parent might.

Most of the time, that boss had low emotional intelligence and it showed in their career track.

What the person giving the instruction is really saying is that they are not perfect and can also make mistakes. Hence follow their advice but don’t copy them.

I won’t blame parents or teachers because this idea is an old one. A spot of research on Google reveals this specific phrase first appeared in print around 1654.

“Preachers say, do as I say, not as I do” (John Selden, Table-Talk: Preaching). .

Does this approach work for Leaders?

If you’re in a leadership role, even if you’re leading a small team or just 1 person, then this post is relevant to you.

As a leader, it is your job to lead by example and you have to consider the impact of your words and actions on others.

You set the tone for the team providing them with the motivation and encouragement they need to work their very best.

Read about historical figures who started movements that changed the course of history. You’ll find they never asked their followers to do anything they weren’t doing themselves.

They followed the principle of leading by example.

Your job is to nurture and protect that team, so that they can do their very best work.

Instead of looking out for opportunities to criticize them and weaken their morale or confidence, you need to provide them with constructive feedback to help them improve their performance.

The way I see it, you’re as good as the team you lead.

Sadly, very few managers and bosses understand this. I’m not just alluding to first time managers who are finding their management and leadership style. Even seasoned managers can make this mistake.

It’s the feeling that being a leader or a manager makes them infallible – and gives them a kind of supreme authority over their team.

Maybe that’s why they think they can utilize a “do as I say, not as I do” approach.

But to do this, is to fail to understand the intricate psychology of leadership.

Your team members or the person who is working for you isn’t expecting you to be a perfect leader. They might not see you in that light.

Your team will follow your instructions if they appear reasonable, well thought out and hold the vision of the ultimate team and personal goal.

They still have rights whether personal or legal when they joined your organization. Signing an employment contract does not include a clause that they’ve signed away their free will.

You can’t force someone to do something by simply barking orders when you’re not willing to do that work yourself.

Rising up the corporate ladder and chain of command doesn’t make you a more important person. It’s how you apply Emotional Intelligence while dealing with your team and others that makes you important.

Telling someone to do something while failing to do it yourself causes ripples of dissatisfaction through your team.

They will ask why they should bother to do work that their leader can’t seemingly be bothered to do themselves.

Resentment builds up which starts a cycle that impacts productivity, completing work of a lower standard and lower job satisfaction. This in turn either means you let them go or they find another job.

Instead of a “what I say goes” approach, which lacks emotional intelligence, a good leader should create a spirit of camaraderie – you’re all in it together!

While aspects of any job will suck, knowing that everyone else – even your manager – is also doing the same thing, can help you to get through it with a smile.

You need to create your unique power base that inspires others to work with you.

I still remember the time we were implementing a new Accounting Package and the glitches in the system required serious ironing out. It meant long hours and lots of frustration for the entire team.

I doubt we’d have gotten through it if our Finance Director had not worked overtime with us. He communicated our issues with the vendor engineer. The boss rolled up his sleeves to do the checking with us. He made sure we had decent meals delivered at the office as we slogged away.

Is there any exception to this rule?

Of course, with every rule there are going to be exceptions due to the nature of the job or the situation.

The do as I say approach is used by commanding leaders and most visible in occupations where directions are given. It is expected that others will follow those orders without questioning them.

It’s common in top-down organizations like governments and the military.

Commanding personalities are one of the most effective leadership styles in times of crisis when quick decisions need to be made.

You’ve seen it on television shows like Grey’s Anatomy when quick decisions are taken to save the life of the patient in the operating theater.

And you’ve seen it happen during crisis management situations at work or home.

One person stands up to do trouble shooting in high pressure moments leading others back to normalcy with the best resolution of the crisis possible at the time.

But this approach won’t work on a long term basis

Employee morale can dip if they feel they don’t have any say in the group’s direction or goals. It can create job dissatisfaction and raise attrition rates.

Rise to the occasion and be the Hero (or Heroine) and then return to being a leader who takes the team with them.

We already know why parents may use this rule to protect their children.

When it comes to a workplace setting and situations like this do arise.

The key is to explain why the situation is different for you on this occasion. Then try and make it up to your team when you can.

But whatever you do, don’t become a Big Brother Cat or Sister.

Instead, check out this resource to develop your Leadership Skills and Influence.

Get your Leadership Bundle here

When we talk of cultural differences it doesn’t necessarily mean between countries or nations. It can also mean between different parts of your own country.

For example, India, where a huge country with different kinds of people, different cultures depending on whether you’re in the north or the south or east or the west.

In today’s business world, you are bound to encounter colleagues and clients from different backgrounds whether in your own country or internationally.

The exposure to other experiences and perspectives can be enriching, but it can also be challenging to work together effectively.

While it’s important to avoid stereotyping, there are some common situations you can prepare for.

Review these ideas as you think about how to bridge cultural differences in your workplace.

Additional Resources

In the story that I shared about my Japanese colleague and the Leadership Course, things might have worked out differently if everyone had demonstrated Social Intelligence.

That too is important for reducing cultural differences both in the workplace and in our private lives.

Read more here.

Learn more about my recommended resource with this post here or on the image below.

If you’ve ever tried to introduce change in an organization or department, then hearing the phrase ‘we’ve always done it that way’ or ‘that’s the way we’ve always done it’ will irritate you- guaranteed!

You would be fully justified to think the employees are hiding their incompetence or are disengaged.

Sometimes, it’s the insecurity in the staff. They feel that if change is introduced, it would make them redundant or replaceable especially if the knowledge they possess isn’t available with anyone else in the department. I’ve seen that happen too.

But pause for a moment, it’s quite possible the person saying it isn’t defending a time inefficient task, they genuinely might not know of an alternative.

Contrary to the ranting I often see on the internet about people defending archaic or redundant processes because they are scared of change, sometimes, it’s the team that wants change or is open to new processes. But they don’t have a teacher or leader who can help them create a new status quo.

I used to think the same way until I took on a project where to my surprise, the employees asked me to implement a new way of doing things to make their lives easier!

True Story: How a secret bar stock room became an authorized storage room

Way back in the late 1990s when I was working as a consultant to a leading Adventure Group of Companies in Nepal, one of my jobs was to visit their Lodges and check for efficiency and productivity. The mandate was to strengthen the controls over food and beverages since we knew there was a leak somewhere.

You can read the background in my post Internal Controls: To catch Thieves, You need to think like one.

The employees at the first Lodge I visited were eager to co-operate with my audit exercises and wanted to plug the ‘leak’ too since they knew it was an area of complaint from Headquarters.

They asserted their innocence and instead of seeing me as the enemy from Headquarters, took my 2 week visit as an opportunity to create change.

They loved their employer, were loyal to a fault and welcomed my visit.

Interesting discoveries were made including a secret storeroom kept by the Bar Keeper who was unaware of the fact that all stock had to be kept in the centralized storeroom.

His explanation based on my observations made sense.

The tourists who came to the Lodge loved to drink at the fireside and there were times when he would run out of stock, so he kept a bottle or two in the so-called secret storeroom.

Sadly, despite having an Internal Auditor for the Group as well as an external auditor, nobody had bothered to find out what was happening. The forms in use had been there since the beginning of time. (Side story: Both were fired after I submitted my report).

The secret storeroom was legitimized and included in stock takes and a few forms were updated for modern times.

A team of staff members even sat with me at a meeting they had called for to give suggestions to improve the systems and tighten controls.

Mind you, these were not finance specialists or educated, but they had decades of wisdom in lodge management and could have put any hotel management graduate to shame.

One point I noted was the answer to each question was “we’ve always done it that way”.

It reminds me of an anecdote I had read years ago which apparently is based on a true incident.

What happens when we don’t question procedures?

A quality management consultant was visiting a small and somewhat antiquated English manufacturing company, to advise on improving general operating efficiency.

The advisor was reviewing a particular daily report which dealt with aspects of productivity, absentee rates, machine failure, down-time, etc.

The report was completed manually onto a photocopied proforma that was several generations away from the original master-copy, so its headings and descriptions were quite difficult to understand.

The photocopied forms were particularly fuzzy at the top-right corner, where a small box had a heading that was not clear at all. The advisor was interested to note that the figure ‘0’ had been written in every daily report for the past year.

On questioning the members of staff who completed the report, they told him that they always put a zero in that box, and when he asked them why they looked at each other blankly. “Hmmm.., I’m not sure about that,” they each said, “I guess we’ve just always done it that way.”

Intrigued, the consultant visited the archives to see if he could find a clearer form, to discover what was originally being reported and whether it actually held any significance.

When he found the old reports, he saw that the zero return had continued uninterrupted for as far back as the records extended – at least the past thirty years – but none of the forms was any clearer than those presently in use. A little frustrated, he packed away the old papers and turned to leave the room, but something caught his eye.

In another box he noticed a folder, promisingly titled ‘master forms’. Sure enough inside it he found the original daily report proforma master-copy, in pristine condition. In the top right corner was the mysterious box, with the heading clearly shown …… ‘Number of Air Raids Today’.

How does this relate to you the leader of your people?

Not knowing when to make changes in procedures, routines and habits results in time wastage which is not what executives wanting to demonstrate leadership do.

Good managers and executives appreciate the value of their time. They understand it’s what we do with our time to benefit ourselves and others that determines how well they manage this precious resource.

They know how to manage their time and work on priority recommending changes to save time without compromising quality of work.

In other words, they position themselves as Leaders.

Here’s how we did it back in the Lodge:

Step 1: I didn’t have a procedure manual at hand so I recorded how certain processes were done by the staff in charge of those processes including who checked the work.

The staff helped me identify those parts of procedures that didn’t add value to their efforts. I suggested new ones based on my knowledge of internal controls and industry best practice.

Step 2: We looked at the tasks that were not adding value to check if they needed to be improved or simply dumped as the steps had been set up 25 years ago. We also checked if there was technology that could be implemented to reduce wastage.

Step 3: We monitored our results with the new processes and procedures.

My first visit was for only a fortnight but the staff knew I would return at a later date and they were asked to monitor if things were better.

A month later, when I visited the site to continue on another aspect of the systems, I had 800 very happy workers waiting to greet me.

There’s a more comprehensive and systematic way to set up an operations manual and systems in my course Business Systems that encourage Growth – Guaranteed.

More Tips to shine as a good Leader in the Workplace

Quite honestly, as a consultant I didn’t have locus standi to order the changes. Sometimes I had to rely on the Lodge Manager who was the owner’s son to instruct change implementation, especially about the secret bar stock room!

The success of this project would not have been possible if the employees were not “team players.”

You may hear that so often that it becomes meaningless. But it isn’t – being a team player is a fairly broad term, and it can include an important attribute that employers appreciate: leadership.

Being a leader in the workplace does not necessarily mean being a boss, manager, supervisor, or other “official” position, although it can mean that.

It can also mean setting a good example for others and/or heading up office programs and projects.

Here are some tips and ideas on how to be a leader in the workplace that I learned from my experience at the Lodge.

Be Confident

There’s a saying that can serve you well in the workplace: “Never let them see you sweat.” Of course, no one is perfect; but appearing confident inspires others to trust you and take your advice.

One way to ensure that you appear self-assured is not to talk too much about your fears and concerns. Talk to friends outside of the workplace about your uncertainties.

See the Good in Others

Being able to see the good traits in others is a useful leadership trait in the workplace. If you need to put certain people in charge of certain tasks, it pays to know who will do well with what task.

You also may see potential in a co-worker and “stretch” him or her by requesting a task that might be a bit challenging. This improves the overall skill set of the workforce and helps build self-esteem in your co-workers.

Use the skill of effective feedback in all situations requiring improvement.

Don’t Be Afraid to Delegate

There’s a difference between being a people person & being a people-pleaser. Being a people person means you have a genuine love for people, but you’re not afraid to ask people to do things.

Being a leader doesn’t mean just doing everything yourself; it means you are comfortable giving up some control and delegating tasks to others.

Appreciate Co-Workers

No one wants to work for or with someone who doesn’t appreciate them. If you let everyone know you appreciate what they’ve done and how they’ve given their time and talents, it can go a long way.

It’s always good to remember that there would be no leaders if there weren’t any followers. People who are appreciated may be more likely to follow your lead next time.

Problem Solving

If you step up with ideas on how to solve dilemmas, problems, and have resourceful ideas about how to accomplish something, then speak up. Employers value the ability to think through a problem and find a creative solution. This is a valuable leadership quality.

The next time you’re faced with the ‘we’ve always done it that way’ phrase, do what I did. Don’t generalize or misread any grumpy expression.

Instead try being a leader.

Every Monday, I post a quote on Motivation on Karmic Ally Coaching’s Business Page on Facebook. The image above is an example of one that I posted using a favorite hash tag – #MondayMotivation

It reflects something that many of us are too scared to claim – our unique Point of View (POV).

Point of View is a statement that sums up what we deeply believe about our subject. It’s your opinion and what you want the world to know about you and your stand.

We may not use the exact words of our POV in our daily words but it should be something that is reflected in the way we see and approach the world and in our actions.

When you create a Life Stance Manifesto, you are giving voice to your views.

Your POV shows up everywhere – your conversations with family, friends, colleagues, customers and even in your social media activity.

Try this experiment. The next time you log onto Facebook check your newsfeed for updates and the interactions on them. Check one of your updates and see who liked or loved it and who left a comment.

Most probably they’ll be people with whom you have a lot in common and who share your views.

This is true even of friends who never tire of sharing cat and dog photos and who are most probably animal lovers will have their own friends liking and commenting on the photo.

On the other hand, try LinkedIn updates and see what happens. When it comes to professionals topics, you’ll find some people endorsing the post and others who might not know the person who has posted it adding their own spin and a different view.

We need to embrace our unique POV but also respect that of others (which incidentally is a sign of strong Emotional Intelligence).

Even if the opinions of others are not the same as ours, all dialogue should be done with courtesy, an open mind, tact, and remembering to align our words and actions with our ethics, integrity and beliefs – all components of a strong point of view.

Your POV sets you apart from other people who do similar work and helps you to stand out from the crowd. It’s your unique angle on a particular topic.

It’s not something that you can be coached or trained to create. Although a coach or trainer can help you move away from trite hackneyed statements that you might create by copying someone else’s.

It’s something that you believe about yourself, your work, your expertise or your subject.

It’s the preamble in my Meet Your Coach page on my website and isn’t some slick set of sentences written by a copywriter but one that was developed after spending hours working on what I truly believed and wanted to hold as the North Star for my business and myself.

My own point of view finds expression on my website, blog and on Social Media.

Nothing is impossible if you are willing to step out of your comfort zone and take action to achieve what your heart truly desires.

That’s why the majority of my blog posts and updates always show lots of how to do things or attempt to prompt you to think.

How to develop a robust Point of View

Here’s an interesting fact. Back in school, when you were writing a book report agonizing over first, second and third perspective or a paper in college; you were being really being asked to present your point of view. Even if it did not feel so at the time.

You might have picked up opinions about the book or topic from elsewhere and presented it in a perfect manner only to have your teacher or professor ask you about what you really thought.

That is what having a point of view is about.

Figuring out what your own opinion is can be challenging when you’re deeply immersed in the opinions of other people.

This can range from what a group of friends should eat in a restaurant all the way to our political and spiritual views.

In this post, we’ll look at how you can approach topics with an objective mind, and how you can work out what you really think about something or even life and work in general.

1. Read widely and on diverse topics

The first and most crucial point about forming your own opinions is that it’s vital to read widely – and consider what you read critically, looking for holes in arguments.

Reading books outside of our professional interest or of other genres helps to stimulate the mind to look at things from a different perspective and establish our own unique viewpoint.

It fuels our imagination and when we can look and think beyond what is in front of us, we get an opportunity to understand ourselves better. It opens the door to further thinking about other perspectives and views on the same topic.

Do we agree with other views or do we have a different one?

2. Consider and take into account any personal biases that you have

Perhaps calling it biases is harsh but the truth is our backgrounds, upbringing and experiences shape how we view the world and how we respond to it.

I still remember the day Mr Bob introduced Karl Marx to his first year undergraduate class for Politics 101 back in the University of the West Indies. It is something I will never forget because his prophecy came true.

To lightly paraphrase

“Ladies and gentlemen in the class, I am now going to introduce you to a man and his philosophy that will inspire you till the end of your graduate years but when you step out into the real world and start looking for a job, you will also realize that capitalism will feed your starving belly.”

We were all in awe of Mr. Bob and as he predicted, a herd of Marxists was born, who argued with everybody and quoted stuff like ‘religion being the opium of the poor’.

Our view of the world and the establishment became biased because our friend Karl Marx’s point of view had captured our young imagination.

My parents found it amusing putting it down to youthful exuberance but must have been relieved that we were at that time, halfway across the world from my grandparents in India, who would have had a fit hearing me talk like that.

We transformed into capitalists 6 months after graduating because we had to earn a livelihood and those principles really didn’t work unless you were in a completely socialist setting. The fact that the USSR disintegrated a few years later and India went in for liberalization only proves the point.

As I learned through this experience, when it comes to finding your true opinions, you need to overcome bias by assessing the evidence behind the opinion, the facts as they stand and force yourself to look at things objectively.

3. Maintain a journal or blog

Writing a journal helps us to articulate our thoughts clearly. Whenever an independent thought comes to mind, write it down. You may end up finding something that contradicts your thought, but this is all part of the process of reaching your own conclusions.

Another good way to discover your true point of view is to start a blog. Sharing your views with others will lead to comments from those who either support your view or provide a different view altogether that might lead you to assess your original ideas.

When we understand other’s point of view, it enables us to express our own in language that they would feel comfortable with and thus willing to listen to us too.

Final advice to help create your unique view point

While developing your point of view, remember that having unique ideas is not the same as articulating it properly to others.

You have to present them in a fair-minded and rational way taking into account that the other person is intelligent and has his or her own experiences that they will use to evaluate your stand and point of view.

You will need to demonstrate the strength of your point of view using the skills of reasoning, evidence and persuasion. Your arguments to support your opinion will appeal to others if they are presented with reason, ethics and emotion.

Be ready to support your claims with specific instances and concrete facts to appeal to the other person’s common sense and rational thinking.

Fluffy stuff won’t work and misrepresenting facts will be counterproductive. At no time should any of your actions or words give others a doubt about your principles, integrity or character.

The goal of stating our point of view is to get others to consider it with an open mind. It isn’t a contest with a gold medal at the end and using unethical means is the best way to ruin your credibility and reputation.

Communicating our point of view is not a unilateral activity. It helps to understand the other person’s point of view or sentiments to enable us to present our opinion on a matter in a way that will appeal to their logic too.

Getting others to buy into your point of view requires impacting them at an emotional level, which is what happened with our class of undergraduates when we discovered Karl Marx.

On a bigger world stage, it was Gandhi’s argument for Home Rule that the Indian population found appealing and they followed him.

When the Jallianwalla Bagh Massacre took place and Mahatma Gandhi declared it was time for full independence, the nation followed his call to action.

The rest is history but the essential point is, Gandhi had applied the 3 keys of appealing to his audience – reason, ethics and emotions.

Your turn now.

Do you have a point of view on topics that are important to you? Do you see how it affects your view of the world?

Share your feelings and findings with me in the comments box below.

Once you have a point of view, you need to articulate it in the right way to be seen as an influential leader. That’s why it’s equally important to develop your Signature Voice. Click here to learn more or on the image below.

A good leader knows how to lead his team to greater achievements. But if the leader doesn’t mind his or her words and vocabulary, they aren’t going to be effective leaders. In fact, their stint in this role can be short-lived.

It’s even more important if you’re an aspiring leader.

You want to project the right image to your team members and key decision makers who hold the power to promote you to the next level. Even more important if you have been newly promoted to a leadership role.

Using the right words at the right time can enhance your authority.

On the flip side, you might just undermine your authority if you don’t learn to talk like a leader.

Many years ago, I was fortunate to work for a wonderful partner. I’ll call her Anna for convenience.

Anna was a subject matter expert in my then area of specialization as an auditor. She was a newly promoted Partner and still settling into her new role and style of leadership.

Her door was always open to her team members and we were encouraged to be our best. She exercised legitimate power with strong doses of referent and expert power as the leader of her team. I learned a lot from her, and our small department was a happy one.

A few months after her induction into partnership we had to do a training series for the rest of the Audit staff, managers and Partners.

That was when her authority and role as a leader came under challenge.

It was innocent enough, or so I thought. Our team of 3 presenters was present on all days. When the Partner was facilitating a training session, the other 2 would move around the room to help participants with any queries and hands-on exercises.

During 1 of Anna’s sessions, I saw a few of the participants’ texting messages. I slowly walked up behind one and saw the message “25 times”. Then the reply “No make that 28”.

Strange!

During the lunch break, I took that participant aside. I gently mentioned the texting that I’d seen and pointed out how they were undermining Anna’s presentation.

The participant told me that they were listening to the session but were also counting how many times Anna interjected ‘Umm’ into her sentences!

Honestly, I didn’t know what to say but I made use of this information to make sure that when my post lunch presentation started, I had a strategy to keep everyone’s attention.

I went to a local shop and bought a big bag of toffees. When my session came around, I placed it on the presenter’s table in full view tossing toffees at participants who answered the questions correctly. It worked like a dream.

Someone must have tipped Anna about the tracking of ‘Umms’ because on Day 3 when Anna’s next presentation came up, she spoke slowly. The ‘Umms’ were missing. Her audience listened to her and there was no texting.

My biggest take away from that experience was to always monitor how people were reacting to what I was saying for indicators of whether my message was being communicated or not. One can’t always manage every situation with a bag of toffees.

This isn’t a one-off incident of communicating as a Leader

In my post about how monkeys on our back prevent us from moving on, I shared the true story of a young trainee who picked up the phrase which the partner used a lot and applied it left, right and center until he was stopped before he could do too much damage with his newfound Monkey Mania. The Partner in question became more circumspect when using phrases that might be misunderstood.

It’s not just words and phrases, we can often undermine our authority and leadership with recurring phrases that we use, often referred to as track-talk.

I remember during my consulting days when I was doing a project in Minsk, the Managing Director would start his Monday morning meetings with the phrase ‘This is something terrible’.

Fortunately, the meeting was conducted in Russian, and the impact of his words was lost during the translation.

I did however notice the doom and gloom among the hard-working employees during the meeting. It didn’t matter that we got a swig of high-quality vodka with our coffee and cake.

My translator couldn’t explain why he started the meetings the way he did and put it down to his leadership style, which was quite demoralizing.

Our words and track talk affects our Brand and Executive Presence

The common factor in all 3 cases – words, phrases and talk was that the leader in question didn’t even realize the impact that their words were having on others. They were using them all the time and it became a part of their brand and executive presence.

Effective leaders need to understand that their words impact others around them who are taking cues from them and this can impact the work culture whether for better or worse. It’s up to us to decide how we want to project our leadership, brand and presence.

3 things you can do with your words to improve your executive presence

You can improve your communication skills as a leader. Change is always possible and starting with the small ones can lead to bigger ones.

Identify the words or track talk that you need to change.

What are the words or phrases that you find yourself using regularly whether at work or at home? Write them down.

Some examples

1. Phrases like ‘do you know what I mean?’ or ‘Get the point?’ after every sentence or two suggests you don’t have confidence in the other person’s comprehending capabilities.
2. Gushy words like ‘awesome’, ‘mind-blowing’, ‘splendid’. Leaders don’t gush, they recognize good work when the work deserves recognition.
3. Jargon that drowns the team member or scares them. You might think you’re demonstrating your prowess as a leader and expert but sometimes, simple English or language of work helps get more out of the team when they understand what you want and aren’t wasting time checking the dictionary or technical manual.
4. Putting a ‘but’ when giving feedback. Yes, there is something called the sandwich approach to feedback.  Here you cushion the area of improvement between 2 bits of praise or acknowledgement. From what I know about this technique, the word ‘but’ is not used. That can undermine the confidence of the other person rather than motivate them to improve.
5. Negative talk statements – like ‘this is something terrible’, ‘this won’t work’ or even ‘I’m surrounded by imbeciles’ (I actually had a Finance Director who’d say that)

Once you have that sorted out

Consider the impact of your words, phrases or track talk.

As a leader, your words carry a lot of weight and others are looking up to you as a role model. Are you inspiring others or forcing them into the corner? Are your words consistent with the image you want to project or the behaviors you want to see in your team?

Consider an alternative word, phrase that you can use or what you can drop

Is there a better word or phrase that you can use to replace the one that isn’t consistent with the brand or presence that you want to project?

Are there words that you need to remove from your vocabulary? Like the wishy-washy ones, the ‘Umms’ and buts?

You might not even be aware of the words that you are using.

While observing how others react to you is a good way to assess what you need to change, you might still hit a blind spot.

Ask a colleague or friend to monitor your speech and give you honest feedback about your words.

If you are too shy to ask for help, record yourself in conversation and pick up what you need to let go off or change.

This latter method works well. In one of the Leadership courses, participants were recorded during role play activities to show them their blind spot. This was then used to help them improve on their communication weakness.

After that, the only thing left to do is to practice changing it and see the results of your efforts.

Do you have a track word, phrase or talk that is hurting your brand image or  projecting the desired presence?

PS. I invite you to use this tutorial to improve your Gravitas and Leadership Presence. We’ll demystify Gravitas and you’ll learn how to convey your message to others so that you get your point across effectively.

In my post on building a positive reflex for career success, I shared the fact that while co-workers and bosses gave Gravitas a 67% score in evaluating Executive Presence, Communication or how we speak accounted for 28% of the score.

I’ve gone further into the need of a powerful vocabulary for exuding Executive Presence and a Professional Brand and covered some of the words that one should avoid.

But there’s more to our words and how we use them to communicate than we might realize.

Effective communication lies at the heart of assertive behavior and using your Signature Voice raises your presence.

Apart from your body language and tone of voice, the use of wrong words, or ‘poison phrases’ can alienate people for a lifetime.

One such word is using ‘You’ when communicating unless the intention is to alienate the other person.

Ever considered if you are inadvertently alienating people with the ‘You’ word?

How the You word wrecked agonizing havoc for a little girl

This is a real story about how ‘You’ created a lot of problems for a young girl.

Years ago, when my sister and I were at residential school, there was a student in my sister’s group – not because of any shared interests but simply because this set of students had joined school and grade at the same time and were yet to completely integrate with the class which had known each other since nursery.

The student who shall remain nameless managed to alienate the other members of the Group and damage control took place much later during Founder’s Day when her Mom came to the school and helped mend fences.

The girls called her a bully and rude. Her favorite phrases were full of ‘You’ and words like angry, irritate and annoy. Her conversations went along the lines of

Alka, you irritate me

Arti, you annoy me

Bhavna, you make me angry

And then walking away without giving the recipient of the message a chance to talk.

The first few times it happened with my sister, I told her to let it go. Maybe her friend was upset and not able to express herself. Then I told her to seek clarification, similar to Fogging the Critic or one of my favorite approaches to get specifics by Stun Gunning the Meanie.

The tactics didn’t work. Each time, her friend walking off in a huff.

Shortly after, I observed the girl was lonely and lost. She was labeled Aggressive and nobody wanted to talk to her or even sit with her at the dining table until the Founder’s Day event where parents are invited. Her Mom along with the other parents did the needful to facilitate the patch up.

When I look back, I realize she might have been overly assertive and her words did not quite communicate her message the way my pet friend Miss Coco, who’s an effective communicator extraordinaire does.

Had she moderated her words, this post might have had a different angle.

Assertive phrases are always better for effective communication

Assertiveness means being honest & calm and comes from a place of respect and trust.

It means communicating your viewpoint whether in words or deeds from a place of self-assurance, not fear of the other or the desire to dominate.

It means being mindful of what you are saying or doing and owning your communication.

We often don’t realize the effect that our words have on others or how it makes them feel. So in this case, when the girl was saying, for example, “Arti, you annoy me”, she made Arti feel confused and left wondering what she had done wrong.

Such phrases are also called “poison phrases” for the damage that they cause. A better way to get the same message across is to clarify the verb being used and the use of “I”. In other words, express how YOU are feeling. So to rephrase

When you pick your nose Arti, I feel annoyed

Leave room for dialogue, it helps in the long run.

Other assertive tips include being specific and not making sweeping generalizations. So be mindful of using words like always and never. Be honest and accurate; give examples of a specific behavior.

Honest and accurate descriptions also go a long way to maintain relationships. In the student’s case, her ex-friends judged her based on her behavior and labeled her aggressive.

Instead of having judged her, an honest and accurate description of her behavior which could have mended fences earlier would have been “she makes hurtful comments when we talk.”

Ever put your foot in your mouth and alienated friends with the word ‘You’? If the answer is yes, then try out the tips for size and come back to share your experience. 

Talking of vocabulary and assertiveness, are you demonstrating Executive Presence. Download Karmic Ally Coaching’s Executive Presence Checklist and mini ecourse here or by clicking the below image. It’s on the house!

Written by: Vatsala Shukla

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Photo Credit: Cat and Mouse by Vince Mig

How effective is your handshake?

For my birthday, we went to a favorite restaurant for lunch. The Manager, who knows me from his waiter days, extended his hand to offer a congratulatory handshake.

I accepted although afterwards I had to make a discreet visit to the Ladies WC to wash my hands. His had been clammy and sticky and a hand sanitizer or napkin would not suffice.

That got me thinking more about handshakes. I remember as a Fifth Grader, I won a book based on a BBC program titled I Want to Know, which contained answers to questions that children ask.

One of the questions related to handshakes. The answer was that in olden days, since everyone carried swords, by extending the hand to shake that of the other person; you were offering a gesture of peace.

Not much has changed since then. Handshakes communicate powerful non-verbal greetings when introduced or saying goodbye, for concluding business meetings or offering congratulations. Even in informal settings handshakes are a gesture of friendliness, acceptance and respect.

How effective is your handshake?

Considering that a short handshake can create a link between you and the other person allowing you to connect further, you want to make sure that your handshake etiquette is correct.

5 Ingredients of a perfect Handshake

In my view, in addition to having non-sweaty hands that can give the impression that you are uneasy or uncomfortable, there are 5 key ingredients to a perfect handshake.

First, stand up and step or lean towards the person you are greeting. Make eye contact, smile and begin with a voice greeting before extending the arm and hand for the handshake.

Second, make sure you are actually doing a handshake and NOT a finger-shake.

Finger shake

The Story of the 5-Finger Client 

This is a true story. When I was a young audit intern, the firm I was apprenticed with had an audit client who used to offer an open finger hand for a handshake.

The sight was something to be seen – our clasping and open hand with fingers sticking out.

As auditors we kept mum but we young interns and often practiced behind closed doors on how we could do a handshake with the 5-finger client.

The position of the hand should be to keep your fingers together with the thumb up and open. On making contact with the other person’s hand, you need match the web of your hand with the person being greeted.

Then, having grasped the hand firmly, give it a little squeeze, pump up and down 2-3 times and then let go. Eye contact and a smile have to be maintained throughout the duration of the handshake.

Thirdly, always use your right hand. Even at networking events, keep your glass or plate in the left hand and extend a clean right hand for the handshake.

Fourthly, make sure that the grip is firm. A limp handshake gives out the message that you are not confident or perhaps not interested in the other person or what they have to offer.

Having said that, remember that there is a difference between a firm handshake and a bone crushing vice grip.

I still remember as a 10-year-old, overhearing a conversation between my parents who were about to go to a diplomatic party. They were dreading meeting an otherwise delightful diplomat but who crushed bones in a prolonged handshake.

My Mom’s hands were delicate, and she often got bruises from the genial diplomat’s handshake greeting. I think kids are often wiser than their parents in some matters.

I pointed out that as an Indian Lady, she could demurely offer the salutation of a Namaste with folded hands and still be polite. Poor Dad, well, he had to grin and bear it and try to get his hand out quickly before it got crushed. It worked.

The handshake should be maintained for 3-4 second only. You can always assess the duration depending upon the culture of the other person but too long or too short a handshake can send out the wrong message.

Fifthly, follow the protocol of initiating the handshake. Normally, the person of higher ranking should initiate the handshake.

If you are in the same age group as the other person, taking the initiative would convey that you are friendly and confident. When it comes to gender, I was taught that the lady proffered her hand first for a handshake.

A word about culture and business nuances……..

Different cultures can result in unintended faux pas. The best advice I can give is, that when dealing with people of a different cultural background, check on their etiquette before meeting them.

Freshen up on your skills of observation to check on facial and body language for cues on whether or not to initiate the handshake.

In a business setting, avoid use only the right hand and avoid the more personal gesture of holding the other person’s hand between both your hands.

An effective handshake should convey your intention towards the other person, irrespective of gender, that you are genuinely interested in getting to know the other person.

As in ancient times, your handshake is a gesture of goodwill and respect. A good handshake can help take your conversations further and a skill that you do need to master.

How effective is your handshake? Have you ever gotten the wrong impression about another person based on the strength or non-strength of their handshake or any other break from handshake etiquette?

Did I miss out anything in my handshake etiquette suggestions? I’d love to read about it in the comments box below.

Written By: Vatsala Shukla