Keeping perspective when things don’t go the way you had expected them to be, are signs of self-awareness and more importantly self-management.

And to demonstrate high Emotional Intelligence, you have to have the ability to not only manage your pleasant emotions and feelings but also, your unpleasant ones.

In this video, we’re going to be looking at regret and on keeping perspective.

Prefer reading? Here’s the Transcript:

So, what is Regret?

In simple layman terms, Regret occurs when a person looks back at a past decision and wishes they had done something differently. If you want a more formal definition, then here’s one for you.

It’s an aversion or aversive emotion focused on the belief that some event from the past could have been changed in order to produce a more desirable outcome.

(Source: Roese NJ, Summerville A. What we regret most… and why. Pers Soc Psychol Bull. 2005;31(9):1273-1285. doi:10.1177/0146167205274693)

For example, these feelings can come up if you’re on a strict diet and then you go and binge on a bag of potato chips and wish you hadn’t done it. Or you hadn’t passed up a particular job offer in favour of another one and then discovered you were a cultural misfit.

It can get serious though and it can impact your career as well as your life if you’re not careful.

This is a real Quora Question which hinted at regret

In fact, sometime back I had a question on Quora from somebody who asked me if it was okay to phone and shout at your manager after you’ve left an employment and telling them they were stupid.

Now I didn’t answer that question because I thought it was some sort of a hypothetical situation.  I wasn’t going to waste my time on it.

But sometime later the same person asked another question about whether it would affect his career prospects if he called and shouted at his ex-manager.

Now when I saw that, I realized that perhaps he had actually gone and done it and THAT simply sounded like regret!

But on a more serious note, we do experience regret about missed opportunities, or past decisions, or losses.

And what concerns us the most in terms of our regrets, say some researchers, is our failure and our preoccupation with the mistakes we have made or for the things we ought to have done.

Now there are some more facts about Regret that I want to share with you.

In a Psychology Today article, they describe Regret as “an interesting and complex emotional process”.

It involved both thinking and feeling and since it does involve both, it is recognized or conceptualized as a “higher-order cognitive emotion”

In other words, it follows some other emotion’s activation. And that is exactly what might have happened back at Quora.

But unlike fear or anger, regret isn’t considered to be one of our core emotions. In fact, it is a blend of two or more primary emotions that are activated in close proximity, or results when one emotion is triggered in response to another.

The dominant emotions here, for regret are shame and sadness.

Regret is also a type of a counterfactual thinking, which involves imagining the ways your life might have gone differently. But no matter the severity, regret can cause terrible feelings of guilt, sadness, and ultimate depression.

When a person feels extreme feelings of regret, that anxiety can soon turn to anger or resentment. They may end up being so unhappy with their situation that they might take it out on others and creating even more problems for themselves.

Now as far as I’m concerned, although regret is a common emotion, it’s really a waste of time and energy.

And you may be asking me, why is that?

This quote from Katherine Mansfield is worth thinking about because those true sentiments do happen.

But you have to remember that you can’t go back in time and change your past decisions. Nor can you become someone else and avoid your current situation.

And wishing for a new outcome from impossible measures is actually a waste of time because it’s only going to cause you emotional and sometimes physical distress as well.

Now regret can play a negative role in our lives because we may be feeling extremely bad.

We may become extremely hard on ourselves; almost to the point of severe self-pity.

In addition to this, it’s also going to impact how we take our future decisions because you may be apprehensive due to past failings.

Because something didn’t work out in the past, like passing a driving test the first-time round because you didn’t take driving lessons, you may be scared to sit that exam again.

Now that is a simple example but the problem with this kind of mentality is that it actually impairs your ability to trust yourself.

And you continue to wallow in the past and you keep thinking about what could have been and what could not have been and really, you should be focusing on the future.

Also, when you’re basking in regret you are leaving yourself blind to the good in front of you. And actually indulging in more self-harm.

So, another thing that I wanted to tell you is that you have to always remember how much control you had in a situation.

You have to keep the perspective because while hindsight has 20:20 vision, you might not have had that information you have now back then. Perhaps at that point in time that may have been the best decision that was possible for you.

How to Handle Regret and adopt a Healthier Perspective

So keeping all of that in mind, let’s look at how you can handle regret and adopt a healthier perspective.

The first one is Acceptance.

Acceptance is the number one factor that is involved. You have to take into account that trying to change the past is impossible and will only result in frustrations.

Therefore, it is better that you take whatever loss you’ve had on the chin and moved forward.

The next one is to take responsibility for your actions and learn how to make better choices in the future.

Imagine all of the awesome things you could accomplish while you are sitting around wallowing in self-pity and mulling. Perhaps it is better to move on from the past and make better choices in the future. Let it be a learning lesson for you.

Also, make the best of a bad situation because once a decision is made, it is done. Instead of worrying about the past, it’s better to find something positive in the situation and try to do something about it. You could ask yourself the questions like,

• What can I do to make things better?
• How can I adjust my attitude to see the positive?
• What can I currently change?

Now when you ask yourself those kinds of questions, you are actually looking for the best you can do in the situation. This will change your overall negative dispositions into positive ones and motivate you to do better.

The next one is that you can ask yourself is it time to change course?

Because now that you have more information than you did in the past you are in a better position to decisions in the present and you can actually flip the switch on yourself and use it.

Use that situation which is causing regret to serve you better in the future. In other words, keep moving forward instead of staying stuck.

And more change your story or what we call don’t indulge in those fantasies that different choices would’ve yielded a far superior life. That’s why it’s helpful to rewrite this story that you’re telling yourself and focus on all the facts that your mind might have filtered out in order to validate your current story. In other words, build your positive reflex.

One suggestion I can give is that instead of doing the counterfactual looking up and doing fantasies, why not just look at how things could’ve been worse instead of how they could’ve been better.

It’s what we call “downward counterfactual”. In this way you can actually build your positive reflex.

Things could have been much worse. Maybe the choices could have resulted in different outcomes and not necessarily the ones that you’re thinking that would have.

Now all of this, trying to change this kind of negative things requires self-awareness. And self-awareness is the first step that you need to take in order to develop yourself and your emotional intelligence.

Only after that can you take a next step which is self-management.

And managing regret and using it for better purposes is part of that. And for that I have a simple self-study bundle where you’re getting both a guide to self-awareness and a workbook that you can use in order to develop this skill.

Final Words

My final words on the topic are that it is always possible that different choices would likely have brought different regrets.

You should count your blessings and learn your lessons. Identify and give yourself credit for the things you did right because you have done things right. Be honest with yourself!

Being able to overcome these feelings of regret can make you a stronger person. When you’re now embracing positivity as opposed to living in the past, it’s also good for your mental health.

One way to turn your regrets into an opportunity is to view the good that’s ensued. Have you grown as a person? Are you now mentally tougher?

Have you learned a valuable lesson? Because you have the power to not allow it to control you. Nobody else can do it, only you yourself.

By implementing positive thinking and focusing on the future, you will surely combat regret and live a life full of purpose.

This is Vatsala Shukla from Karmic Ally Coaching signing off. Here’s to your success. Bye for now.

Have you ever worked for a boss who is so difficult that it was like a nightmare working with him (or her) and you got to the point where you were worried that you might just lose your job?

Now here’s something.

The odds are that you will always at least have one bad boss in the course of your career. The conditions of the bad boss may vary and that can be a very difficult and challenging to face such a situation.

But there are things you can do to make your life at work more positive. Or to at least try to buy yourself some time until you can find a better job.

Prefer Reading? Here’s the transcript

The first thing that I would always tell you is to keep an open mind and to maintain your composure.

That’s a sign of Emotional Intelligence as well as Executive Presence and you come across with more power even if you’re feeling helpless in a situation. Because staying calm might just be the most important thing that you can do.

If you’ve already got a boss who is a nightmare to work for but is also volatile as well, then please read this blog post for more help. The links will be given and just stay calm.

Most of us have a tendency to try to just avoid the conflict or ignore it but the reason I am saying to keep calm is because somebody has to hold a stable position. Secondly, this beautiful quote from Renee Evensen is very true.

Because ignoring conflict will only aggravate the problem often to the point where even a minor problem becomes unmanageable.

So, when you come from a place of calm and composure, you’re in a better position to be more proactive and to resolve or diffuse the situation.

Keep Your Cool

So, back again, keep your cool. And the reason why I’m saying that again and again is because it’s an excellent opportunity to show others that you’re reasonable and professional.

And maybe your boss’s boss may also be one of those to notice. Because our first instinct is to respond like to like but that is a very big mistake. You want to show yourself in a good light.

As well as the fact that it will also reduce your boss’s tendency to bully you in case the boss is a bully. Because bullies tend to stop if they see their tactics aren’t getting a response.

If you have a toxic boss, then I have other resources that can help you to handle that. But no matter what, keep your cool, do not get aggravated or agitated.

Consider Your Own Contribution

Next, is to also consider your own contribution. You know, it is so easy to blame others for things. But when you look at a situation when the boss may have been nasty, are you sure that you’re not at fault or at least part at fault?

Perhaps it’s just that you do need to make an effort to up your game and not upset the boss so much. After all, bosses are human too.

Get Some Clarity

And then, get some clarity. Find out exactly what your boss wants. In fact, ask the boss and if you can get a list of specific performance measures, preferably in writing, so that you can protect yourself.

That is your annual performance review kdps come into play because those are actually solid markers. If you do hit those performance numbers, it gives your boss less flexibility to make a business case to fire you.

Especially in those organizations where they use bell curves and anybody at a 2 or 1 is out.

2 Things You Need to Do for Your Own Mental Health and Confidence

Now the 2 things you need to do for your own mental health and confidence is keep a sense of humor. Try to laugh about it to yourself. Do not let it upset you too much and also don’t obsess on it much.

Secondly, keep a track of your successes. Now this is something that I keep bringing up in various posts of mine.

And that is always keep your own record of your successes because if you’ve done something which is worthwhile for the company, just write it down.

And keep a record so that if you do lose your job, it’s going to give you a lot of leverage when it comes to negotiating an exit package or a potential settlement.

In other words, keep your own records.

3 Ways to Support Yourself

Now there are 3 ways that you can support yourself in such a situation.

One is to touch base with human resource

Talk to them. Of course, be very aware that sometimes there are political games going on but nevertheless tell human resources what is going on. Put your case in front of them and maybe they can solve things for you. Especially if it’s a big organization where you can be transferred to another department.

Also, consider talking to your boss’s boss

But here be very careful. Do not complain about that boss to your, to his boss but instead, focus on the behavior not the person. Don’t make it personal.

Network both within and outside the company

And thirdly, this is something you should always be doing whether you have a nightmare boss, or you have a wonderful boss and that is to network, both within and outside the company.

It’s very important for you to maintain your network of people because in case you do need to get out of that job, you’ll be sure to find out about any potential job opportunities.

And staying sociable is actually very good for your mental health. It also gives you back some sense of control on your situation if you do have, if you’re finding it difficult to deal with that boss.

Consider Finding Another Job

And then lastly, consider finding another job. Now I’m sure you didn’t expect me to say this to you but sometimes, you know, leaving is the best idea. So, consider your circumstances. Can you do it? Is it possible?

Especially so if your boss is firmly entrenched and if he’s not going anywhere soon, then maybe it’s in your best interest to find an alternate employment. And that is where, you know, networking is going to come into play.

Final Words of Wisdom

So, to sum it all up, final words of wisdom are, dealing with a bad boss is something that we all have to do at some point.

And there is no set formula for getting through the challenge successfully, since circumstances can vary. Which is why some of the tips that I’ve given you are quite broad-based, and you will have to adjust it to your situation.

Also take a careful look at what’s actually going on and decide on a course of action. And hold on tight until you can find another job. Do the best that you can to create an environment that supports the life that you desire.

Because you’re working for yourself and for your family and it’s your well-being and mental and emotional health is most important.

Karmic Ally Coaching’s Emotional Intelligence Checklist

Now I had earlier mentioned to you about keeping calm, composure and how it is a sign of good emotional intelligence as well as executive presence.

And to help you with further develop that I’ve got a free resource which is the 10 Traits (that) Emotionally Intelligent people use for Success.  You can download it for free.

The ebook is accompanied by a series of emails to further help you to further develop your emotional intelligence. This will also help you in dealing with not just a bad boss but with your co-workers and anyone else.

So, and it’s free. Did I mention it’s free? And with that, it’s a wrap. I’m Vatsala Shukla from Karmic Ally Coaching wishing you a very successful career. Bye for now.

When recessions happen, nobody’s job is safe or secure and the sword of the pink slip hangs over all our heads.

But nothing can beat the job losses and layoffs that have taken place after COVID-19. Not even the global economic meltdown of 2008.

In the early days of the complete lockdown, Quora was filled with questions from professionals who had been made redundant asking for legal advice and help. Many businesses either downed their shutters or sent their employees on unpaid leave for long periods. There was no guarantee of a job if the business reopened.

I was horrified to learn that many people didn’t even get their statutory dues. Even despite the government having made it clear that no action should be taken to create a problem for workers.

It reminded me of the times I had been laid off during my 3-decade corporate career and how the management in those companies had handled the situation with compassion and care. They made sure I got my dues and the goodwill that has stayed over the years.

I still trust those companies and am a proud member of their Alumni Groups on LinkedIn.

But it’s not always like that

Compared to a few decades ago, redundancy has become a normal word in our vocabulary. Yet it doesn’t reflect the impact on the affected worker.

For many professionals, their very identity is tied to their job and when that is gone, they feel lost.

It doesn’t matter if the employer had to let them go because of economic conditions or a company decision to reduce head count in a merger or restructuring. The individual does get affected in more ways than one would think.

There is the immediate and even longer-term financial aftermath the employee will experience. Research repeatedly shows the lasting impact layoffs can have on individuals’ emotional and mental health.

It is not uncommon for the laid off person to experience emotional and even physical reactions to losing their job.

One area we need to address is how job loss affects our Trust

Back in 2015, I had read about a study done by Manchester University that revealed that workers who’d been laid off are less willing to trust others. Those doubts can linger for ten years or more even after starting a new job.

The study was part of a bigger collaboration between Manchester and Harvard University where they focused not only on the individual but the community as a whole.

While the study didn’t empirically look at why people’s trust in others went down, it could have been that sense of betrayal and change in perception about the world.

People are taught to work hard for their employer and receive rewards for their efforts but when they’re made redundant, it is confusing. After all, they’ve played by the rules, right?

To be honest, that’s exactly how I felt when I experienced my first redundancy shortly after the Gulf War ended. While the rest of the office along with the then Country Manager went back to their countries, I stayed and worked on all my assignments with my supervisor in Doha.

When the war ended and things were back to normal, I think the stress finally took its toll and I fell sick. The doctor prescribed complete bed rest and I was given sick leave.

Then I got a call from the office that the Partner who had come for a visit from Bahrain wanted to meet me. Of course I went in, completely sick and weak.

He was nice to me but dropped the bombshell that the offices in the region were downsizing and they had to reduce the Doha office to half. The principle to be applied was Last In, First Out.

He was very nice about it and was appreciative of my efforts. I was given the option of taking 3 months’ salary and exiting or working on a 3 month notice. I was promised a good reference.

My supervisor suggested I work out the notice period while I tried to find a new job in a recessionary economy which I did.

When I look back now, it was a generous offer as I was statutorily not entitled to it, the Partner wanted to tell me himself instead of my supervisor who was now the Country Manager but yes, I felt let down.

After all, when the menfolk ran away to their countries, a female employee stayed behind and worked. And she was being given the boot on a silly last in first out method!

It was my first real job after qualifying as a Chartered Accountant. This wasn’t how I expected my career to start.

But I did go places after that and when I discovered the Partner on LinkedIn almost 25 years later, I sent an invitation to connect and he accepted it.

Roslyn Tanner Evan’s who is a former career counselor now turned jewelry designer addresses this point in her powerful post 5 honest job loss truths that need to be shared. It is a must read if you are facing this situation right now.

If you lost your job or just value a workplace with a culture of trust, there are ways to build that sense of community.

I’ve heard of people literally being told they were being let go of with about 10 minutes to pack up their desk and then being escorted out of the building.

This usually happens in high security and confidential companies and if that happened to me, I know I’d have a trust issue going forward. That in itself is a traumatic memory that can create a distrust of all employers and affect our work.

Consider these suggestions for steps you can take yourself and qualities you can look for in your next employer.

Steps to take for building Trust in the Workplace

Give trust to receive trust. Trust is a two-way street. While it will be challenging at first, make the first move to overcome your fear of betrayal.

These are new people and a new beginning. You’re more likely to gain the confidence of your new colleagues by demonstrating you trust them. Keep the healthy boundaries but go into work with a positive frame of mind.

Become known as a professional who walks their talk. Align your actions with your speech. When you commit to completing a project or report within a timeline, do it and let your supervisor know about your progress or roadblocks. Become a role model for others.

Express gratitude. It’s the little things that make the biggest difference. As my emotionally intelligent first mentor told me, small gestures matter.

In all my jobs, I always made it a point to say good morning to every staffer I saw on the way to my office. It was simply good manners but I got the best return possible – in one of those jobs, the pantry man was so touched that I saw him as a fellow worker that he’d make sure I had a mug of coffee at my desk within 5 minutes of my arrival even if the other Managers had to wait till coffee time.

He’d found out I had a long commute to work and this was his small gesture in return for a simple morning greeting.

 Another colleague used to bring back chocolates for the team when he’d come back from vacation as a gesture to thank us for taking on his work while he was away. We were always happy to have him back.

Don’t hog all the praise. Learn to share credit. Most victories are team efforts. Show your colleagues that you understand and appreciate the role that they play in putting together a board meeting or cleaning up the break room. If you’re the manager, take the team out for lunch or arrange a special outing to let them know they are all part of the success story.

Value relationships. The quality of your relationships determines the level of trust you’ll enjoy around the office. Treat others with respect and compassion. Be willing to compromise on individual issues so you can maintain positive office relationships.

Above all, demonstrate emotional intelligence when dealing with others.

Think of it as an opportunity to regain ground in your career and move forward with a positive mindset.

Qualities to look for in an Employer in your Post Redundancy Job

One of the biggest trust issues after a redundancy comes down to our having faith in future employers.

Not every employer is the same and sometimes a redundancy can lead you to a new job where you’ll love the new employer and want to come in to work.

So how will you figure out if the employer is the right one for you?

Here are a few things to research about the prospective employer.

What’s the turnover at the company? This is an important indicator for finding a good employer. Trust and engagement are closely related, and engaged workers tend to stay on the job longer.

Different industries have different turnovers depending upon demand and supply of skilled labor but it’s a good idea to ask about the turnover rate when considering a job offer to avoid joining a long line of predecessors with short tenures.

Proceed from the ground up. Trust is part of the job description at each level in an organization. Feeling comfortable with your supervisor and the co-workers you’ll see daily may be more important than any statements from the CEO.

Are they open to new ideas and encourage innovation? Are suggestions greeted with enthusiasm? Are employees commended for trying to increase quality and save money regardless of whether their proposals need some refining?

When I worked in the Insurance Sector, our Managing Director used to have Monday breakfast meetings with the entire office.

We’d go over targets and sales and everyone, even from outside the specific department would be encouraged to share ideas that might help us meet our goals.

The end result? We’d overshoot our goals sometimes and adjust it against the lean months.

Practice fairness. Another indication of high levels of trust is a commitment to justice and fair play. Does the company have a robust code of conduct and ethics? Do the same rules and discipline procedures apply to entry-level employees and top management? Are employees empowered to use their own discretion and judgement to complete assignments?

Reward competence. Naturally, trust thrives when you and your employer believe in your ability to do the job.

Employers who provide training and constructive feedback may help you to put your redundancy behind you and move on with greater confidence.

One of the best indicators I have experienced in finding a job after a redundancy is the compensation package that is offered.

There are employers who would take into account your weak positioning. Especially if you’ve been unemployed for a long period of time.

Others will demonstrate their confidence in your ability by offering you a package commensurate with your experience and skills.

It shows they value what you’re bringing to the table and not out to grab a bargain deal. It’s also how you retain good talent and build the human capital of an enterprise.

Losing your job is a serious event, so take the time and effort you need to heal. The good news is that you can learn to trust again.

Wherever you find your next position, your actions can help you to put your career back on track and become a valued member of your new team.

Additional Resource

I provide a complete roadmap and guidance for finding the right employment in my Job Search Success Bundle. Click the preceding link or on the image below to learn more.

In my post on building a positive reflex for career success, I shared the fact that while co-workers and bosses gave Gravitas a 67% score in evaluating Executive Presence, Communication or how we speak accounted for 28% of the score.

I’ve gone further into the need of a powerful vocabulary for exuding Executive Presence and a Professional Brand and covered some of the words that one should avoid.

But there’s more to our words and how we use them to communicate than we might realize.

Effective communication lies at the heart of assertive behavior and using your Signature Voice raises your presence.

Apart from your body language and tone of voice, the use of wrong words, or ‘poison phrases’ can alienate people for a lifetime.

One such word is using ‘You’ when communicating unless the intention is to alienate the other person.

Ever considered if you are inadvertently alienating people with the ‘You’ word?

How the You word wrecked agonizing havoc for a little girl

This is a real story about how ‘You’ created a lot of problems for a young girl.

Years ago, when my sister and I were at residential school, there was a student in my sister’s group – not because of any shared interests but simply because this set of students had joined school and grade at the same time and were yet to completely integrate with the class which had known each other since nursery.

The student who shall remain nameless managed to alienate the other members of the Group and damage control took place much later during Founder’s Day when her Mom came to the school and helped mend fences.

The girls called her a bully and rude. Her favorite phrases were full of ‘You’ and words like angry, irritate and annoy. Her conversations went along the lines of

Alka, you irritate me

Arti, you annoy me

Bhavna, you make me angry

And then walking away without giving the recipient of the message a chance to talk.

The first few times it happened with my sister, I told her to let it go. Maybe her friend was upset and not able to express herself. Then I told her to seek clarification, similar to Fogging the Critic or one of my favorite approaches to get specifics by Stun Gunning the Meanie.

The tactics didn’t work. Each time, her friend walking off in a huff.

Shortly after, I observed the girl was lonely and lost. She was labeled Aggressive and nobody wanted to talk to her or even sit with her at the dining table until the Founder’s Day event where parents are invited. Her Mom along with the other parents did the needful to facilitate the patch up.

When I look back, I realize she might have been overly assertive and her words did not quite communicate her message the way my pet friend Miss Coco, who’s an effective communicator extraordinaire does.

Had she moderated her words, this post might have had a different angle.

Assertive phrases are always better for effective communication

Assertiveness means being honest & calm and comes from a place of respect and trust.

It means communicating your viewpoint whether in words or deeds from a place of self-assurance, not fear of the other or the desire to dominate.

It means being mindful of what you are saying or doing and owning your communication.

We often don’t realize the effect that our words have on others or how it makes them feel. So in this case, when the girl was saying, for example, “Arti, you annoy me”, she made Arti feel confused and left wondering what she had done wrong.

Such phrases are also called “poison phrases” for the damage that they cause. A better way to get the same message across is to clarify the verb being used and the use of “I”. In other words, express how YOU are feeling. So to rephrase

When you pick your nose Arti, I feel annoyed

Leave room for dialogue, it helps in the long run.

Other assertive tips include being specific and not making sweeping generalizations. So be mindful of using words like always and never. Be honest and accurate; give examples of a specific behavior.

Honest and accurate descriptions also go a long way to maintain relationships. In the student’s case, her ex-friends judged her based on her behavior and labeled her aggressive.

Instead of having judged her, an honest and accurate description of her behavior which could have mended fences earlier would have been “she makes hurtful comments when we talk.”

Ever put your foot in your mouth and alienated friends with the word ‘You’? If the answer is yes, then try out the tips for size and come back to share your experience. 

Talking of vocabulary and assertiveness, are you demonstrating Executive Presence. Download Karmic Ally Coaching’s Executive Presence Checklist and mini ecourse here or by clicking the below image. It’s on the house!

Written by: Vatsala Shukla

UHY2H9954466
Photo Credit: Cat and Mouse by Vince Mig

 

Mid-December is usually the time when many of us go into a contemplative mood about the year that is about to come to a close.  This activity can make or break our sense of self-esteem and confidence.

Wins are remembered with a smile.

Sometimes there is a shudder remembering goof ups that couldn’t be converted into later wins. It really is okay, you know. As my Scottish boss back in my British Gas days used to tell me to take it on the chin and move on.

Best piece of advice I can offer to you too.

What about you?

Have you started reflecting yet or will you get to it post-Christmas?

Here’s my own example.

I took stock of the achievements (e.g. achieving my dream goal of 3 bestseller books with my 5^th Kindle book without using any of the guru tactics at launch and finally setting up my online course school).

The hits and misses. Including participating in giveaways that weren’t aligned with my business WHY or fit my tribe’s interests, though they were really good ones. After chalking it up to experience, prepared to move on in positive motion.

I let go of that which hasn’t worked. My survey revealed my subscribers aren’t into webinars and teleclasses even though the *gurus* claim it’s the next best thing since sliced bread for educating your audience.

Instead I concentrated on improving those activities and tasks that can get me closer to my goals. Like knowing  now what my audience wants for a free 5 day challenge!

I took courses to learn skills that I needed for the next stage of my journey. I’m focused on improving my professional and personal life.

It’s preferable to look forward, accepting that time that has passed won’t come back.

Then look toward the New Year as a time to achieve all that we couldn’t.  We now have the benefit of hindsight and lots of new knowledge that wasn’t there at the beginning of the year.

This strategy needs practice and there is no iron cast time limit. The point is to start your journey.

You’d be surprised how much analysis and planning can be completed provided you have self-confidence, self-belief that you have what it takes and this is 1 step in your journey to success.

That’s where healthy self-esteem and appreciating our uniqueness of Self comes into the picture.

3 Indicators of good Self-Esteem and Self-Confidence

Self-esteem is totally personal and is a learned behavior. It is not something you have but something you do.

In a world that is constantly changing, your interactions with the world do impact your self- esteem which can be defined as self-image, self-worth, and self-confidence.

The point to remember is that you have control and influence over your self-esteem.

What are the signs of a healthy self-esteem?

Here are 3 indicators based on my observations:

Self-Acceptance

Self-acceptance is important because until you acknowledge your uniqueness, nobody else will. When we embrace ourselves with love, we raise our energy frequency and transmit a message to others that this person is confident in their own skin. They command our respect. We become attractive. We exude presence and gravitas.

I’ve seen it in action with friends and colleagues who on the face of it weren’t best looking, most successful or even most knowledgeable in our group. Yet they commanded respect and their opinion and perspective counted in any setting. That in fact is presence, or gravitas.

I still remember during my first job as a trainee auditor, there was a gentleman, Rajesh, in our office who, despite numerous attempts, never passed the final accountancy exams to qualify as a Chartered Accountant but he was highly respected and in charge of some of the most prestigious engagements of the firm.

The fact that despite his knowledge he couldn’t ace the exams didn’t stop him from living to his potential. He had accepted his weaknesses, identified his strengths and played on the latter.

We all turned to him for guidance on audit issues and he was considered a walking encyclopedia. When he died of a heart attack a few years ago, the entire group of trainees from that time felt the loss at a personal level. The thought that he never qualified and we had didn’t enter our minds!

Bravely face challenges

Self-acceptance means that you aren’t afraid of facing challenges that will take you outside your comfort zone.

Accept that you might make a few mistakes while navigating uncharted waters. You know you aren’t perfect.  Who is?

Instead use the experience to learn more about yourself and any weakness that needs to be overcome. Failure can teach us a lot about ourselves.

A person with low self-esteem on the contrary would blame others or put himself down continuously for the mistakes that he commits.

Not feeling the need to prove one-self to others

Continuing with Rajesh’s example, he had a high sense of self-worth and didn’t feel the need to prove himself to others or prove others wrong.

For sure, we were admonished if we made mistakes but we knew when we had goofed up. A person with low self-esteem would have used the opportunity to put the other person down to look better. Not in this case. In fact, as each one of us qualified in our exams, he was always the first to congratulate us.

People with healthy self-esteem and confidence don’t feel the need to shine – they are already the beacon for others!

Good self-esteem means you don’t compare yourself to others or see only their strengths and then let the gremlins put you down further. Like good old Dr. Seuss points out, You are You.

7 Ways to top up your Self-Esteem Bucket

A beautiful concept that I read a long time back and want to share with you involves the self- esteem bucket.

The idea is that we are all born with a perfect bucket and throughout life from the moment that we are born; we keep filling up this bucket with all the good things that together make up our healthy self-esteem.

All negative inputs act like holes being pierced in the bucket. If the inputs never catch up with the leakages, the end result is low self- esteem.

There are many ways to ensure that your inputs keep your self- esteem bucket filled up, prevent negativity from making holes in the bucket and repair the holes that have already been made.

Self-esteem and self-confidence can be improved in many ways:

Work on your mind set. One way is through daily affirmations that program the mind towards being positive.  Combine the affirmation with creative visualization of what you would like to feel or in meditation to make it more effective.

Here’s a video on visualization that I’d made some time back to help you with the process.

Use your strengths and acknowledge areas for improvement and work on them. (Suggested reading: My post Successful Birds Set Goals Differently)

Focus on things that are under your control and stop fretting about things where you can’t intervene.

Practice detachment. Sometimes situations arise where we can’t do much but we can control how our mind thinks. That’s where your mindset is important.

Don’t take things too seriously. Learn to laugh at yourself.

Doing the necessary Inner Work to break down roadblocks to achieving your true potential. I cover this in my book Self-Confidence in 8 Steps where you’ll take the necessary actions to do the inner and outer work for building healthy self-esteem and self-confidence.

Focus more on positive moments and interactions

In other words, start focusing on praise rather than criticism. Retrain your mind to appreciate what’s going right rather than complaining about what’s wrong.

Be mindful in your interactions and consider how your words impact others and trigger a response that puts you down rather than up.

At the same time, there can be situations where in the course of our interactions with others, even brief ones, their words or actions can create leaks in our Self-Esteem Bucket.

The interaction causes a ‘dip from our bucket’ leaving us with negative emotions rather than fill our bucket with positive emotions.

An example that comes to mind is the boss who criticizes your work. It wasn’t because you did a bad job. Just that  the timing coincided with the boss being pre-occupied with something else. The boss may not be in a perpetual crabby state of mind but in the moment, you’ve received the dip.

If you are experiencing this situation, I highly recommend reading How Full Is Your Bucket? .

This #1 New York Times and #1 BusinessWeek bestseller is organized around a simple metaphor of a dipper and a bucket, will show you how to greatly increase the positive moments in your work and your life – while reducing the negative.

Having healthy self-esteem is important. It gives us a positive outlook in life that cascades into everything we do, whether in our personal or professional lives, our relationships guarantees our journey to success is smoother.

Have you ever faced issues with your self-confidence or self-esteem? How full is your bucket?

Think of it this way, when we feel bad if someone else calls us stupid or incompetent, how would you expect the world to believe contrary about you if you, who are your own best friend think of yourself as being stupid or incompetent?

Are you aware of the disempowering effects of the words that you are using?

More often than not, the words that we use to put us down are ones that we use in our normal daily life and have become so habitual that we lose awareness of their true impact on our psyche and sense of well being.

Here are a few common examples that describe negative emotions:

“I’m clumsy”

“I’m stupid”

“I’m angry”

“I’m overwhelmed”

“I’m depressed”

What we may not realize is that these negative phrases are intense and can adversely impact how we feel and hit a major blow to our sense of confidence and self-esteem.

Change your vocabulary for self-empowerment

There are 2 ways that you can change your vocabulary to reduce the negative impact of your current word usage.

One way is to replace those words or phrases that put you down with ones that are more empowering and less negative in intensity.

So, instead of saying:

“I’m clumsy” to “I’m a little awkward”

“I’m stupid” to “I’m a slow learner”

“I’m angry” to “I’m a little annoyed”

“I’m overwhelmed” to “I’m in too much demand!”

“I’m depressed” to “I’m feeling a bit under the weather”

Are you using any negative phrases that make you feel worse or lower your sense of self-esteem? How would you replace them?

Hint: check a good dictionary, whether online or offline and find a word that matches and can be made empowering.

Another way is to reframe your feelings using empowering positive words which have a higher intensity.

So for example, the next time someone asks you how you are doing or feeling, instead of the negative words or neutral ones like “I’m feeling okay” or “I’m feeling the same” why not try saying “I’m feeling great today”. Enhance the power of your words with a smile!

Give your self-confidence a boost by using powerful words that convey the same positive feeling. Again, the dictionary may prove to be your best friend here.

For example:

Instead of saying –

“I feel happy” say “I feel blissful” or “I’m on cloud nine!”

“I feel confident” say “I am sure of myself”

When you start to replace the good words that you have used in the past with more empowering ones, try them on for size and see which ones resonate with you. This is something similar to affirmations. If your conscious mind does not believe them, then the unconscious mind wont either. It takes practice but then practice makes perfect.

In my Kindle book Self Confidence in 8 Steps I go deeper into how one can achieve the transformation from low self-confidence to high self-confidence with exercises and guidance to maintain your sense of self-esteem.

Which words do you use that put you down rather than lift you up? Did you come up with any word replacements that made a difference in how you felt? Do share your observations with me in the comments box below.

One sign of having good self-esteem is your confidence in your choices and decisions. You trust your judgment and act accordingly.

Instead of looking outwardly for validation and guidance, you look within and trust you Inner Wisdom or Higher Self.

You respect yourself and acknowledge that your life and experiences have provided you with the tools and knowledge to help yourself.

When you let others take decisions for you without your active participation, you are setting yourself up for failure because it is not your decision, not based on your experience and out of touch with Source, your Inner Guide.

So, look inward instead of outward to other people for guidance unless it is something where you really need a more experienced person to guide you on your journey. Even then, trust your intuition and your own counsel to decide what is best for you.

This may be hard at first, given our conditioning to make decisions based on the outside world, by putting the world first and then yourself. Making a shift and change of mindset takes time and motivation to stay on track.

If you fall down in your endeavors, don’t give up. Just accept that you slipped and decide that you will continue towards your goal with more resolve.

In the course of life, you will face many situations where you need to take decisions and make choices. If you worry that you may make the wrong choices or decisions, you will never be able to move forward.

There are no guarantees, you simply have to trust yourself, have faith that you know more than you give yourself credit for.

Spend a little time each day connecting with Your Higher Self and intuition.

This can be first thing in the morning or even the last thing at night. Give it the right information and you will receive the right guidance.

For this you need to have self-confidence that you will consider the right information. While gathering your information, do not be afraid to ask questions. Explore all options.

Sometimes there will be clear cut either/or options and sometimes more than two options.

In such a case, consider the pros and cons of each option and the outcome that you envisage based on the same. Delve into your memory for similar or somewhat similar situations and how you had taken care of them. What went wrong? What went right? What could have been improved?

Having done your homework and taken into account your prior knowledge and experience, you just have to trust yourself and make a choice.

Having made a choice and taken a decision accept responsibility for your decision and make it work to the best of your abilities.

You may need support, you may need further guidance. It is at this point that you can reach out to others who have walked the path before you for insights. Share this information with your Intuition and let your Higher Self partner with you for success.

Know that we can all improve. The road to self-improvement begins with self-belief and self-trust. It means having confidence in your capabilities and not caring about the world at large.

If you are about to make a mistake, your true friends and well-wishers will let you know.  You will also meet a lot of negative thinkers who will say everything to create doubts in your mind. Ignore them, they don’t matter. You do.

Just embrace the truth, you can trust yourself!

Additional Resource

Need more help? Check out my Self-help and Self-study program Self Confidence in 8 Steps on Kindle.  If you are a Do It Yourself buff who wants the guidance but loves to fly solo, then this book is a must check out. Just click on the image to check out the preview.

If you purchase a product or service through a link on my site, there’s a good chance I’ll receive some kind of “thank you money” from the company or person I referred you to. For more details, check out my full disclosure (link at bottom of every page).

Let’s get one thing straight. I’m not an advocate of the ‘fake it till you make it’ tactic. I do know there are times when we need to appear confident even if we’re not particularly feeling that way.

One body language tip that not only helps us appear confident but can actually work on the sub-conscious mind to make us feel confident has to do with the eyebrows.

Used properly, it can assist in demonstrating Executive Presence.

Folklore about the Underdog becoming the Top Dog that raised Eyebrows in Court

Back in the days when my diplomat father was posted in Kabul, the long winter season meant staying at home and reading books. It was too cold to go out and play.

It was around this time that I was presented with a book full of folklore from all over the world. I read a story about how an underdog Japanese Hero fought the Fiercest Warrior in the Kingdom to transform from underdog to Top Dog. He won the hand of the princess in marriage which was the main prize.

I must have been 10 years old at the time. Having long forgotten the name of the story, the eyebrow part remains evergreen in my memory.

Apparently, the Ladies of the Court had, according to the fashion and standards of beauty of that time, shaved and painted high eyebrows which went up in amazement.

At one point in the story, they disappeared into their hairline when the underdog Hero was making mash of the Fiercest Warrior in the Kingdom.

Looking back, I suspect that was the beginning of my fascination with facial expressions in general but certainly eyebrows!

Since children are normally treated as flies on the wall, it was easy to observe the adults.

This included my parents and teachers. The school principal was a good object of study because his mustache moved too along with his eyebrows.

I didn’t spare the house help or parents of my friends. My sample included just about anybody who qualified as ancient from a 10-year-old child’s perspective.

I even recruited my younger sister and friends, and we had fun.

What was meant to be a fun game ended up teaching me quite a bit about the role of eyebrows as expressions of confidence and assertive body language.

Indicating assertiveness with your eyebrows

Step 3 in my book Self Confidence in 8 Steps, shares 2 self-coaching exercises to implement confident attitudes.

In this post, we’ll look at a few ways to exhibit confidence and assertiveness to support the inner work that is required for change with our eyebrows.

Believe it or not but eyebrow control is absolutely crucial during the early days of imbibing self-confidence and an assertive stance. If the eyes are the mirror of the Soul, then the eyebrows can help you wing it until you get the hang of being assertive.

An assertive person’s eyebrows are relaxed and will match the tone of voice. A person who is passive would raise their eyebrows indicating lack of assurance and a desire to please. Eyebrows that are pulled downwards indicates aggression or lack of clarity.

Try it. Go to the mirror and try out expressions based on your inner feelings and see what happens with your eyebrows. Better yet, observe others. You’ll get the drift.

Make your assertive and confident stance even more effective by maintaining good eye contact with the person that you are talking to. Take it a step further by standing tall in a relaxed manner.

In my post Executive Presence & Professional Brand needs a Strong Vocabulary I mentioned that body language comprises 55% of effective communications.

Practicing eyebrow control is winning more than half the battle right there.

Supplement your body language with a steady, firm, medium pitched tone of voice. Stress on your key words delivered in a warm, clear and sincere manner using your Signature Voice.

Apply these tips and you can exude self-confidence and assertiveness even on a day when you are far from feeling it.

How do you cover up your moments of passive behavior?

Additional Assertiveness Resources

There are lots of posts to help you with your assertive behavior at my blog. Here is a small selection including my book Self Confidence in 8 Steps.

 You can also visit Amazon India

Executive Presence & Professional Brand needs a Strong Vocabulary

Karmic Ally Coaching’s Executive Presence Checklist

Stun Gun the Meanie

When your time management is not enough

Japanese Warrior Picture Credit: Pixabay

Disclosure: If you purchase a product through a link on my site, there’s a good chance I’ll receive some kind of “thank you money” from the company or person I referred you to. For more details, check out my full disclosure policy (link is also available at the bottom of every page).

Daring to set boundaries

As human beings, we can go to two extremes in boundary setting.

We can elect not to set up any boundaries at all thus allowing people to treat us the way they want.

This impacts our sense of self-esteem internalizing our feelings which when they finally hit the surface can be volcanic and aggressive to the extent that the other person may not recognize us.

Think of a pressure cooker which lets off steam.

On the other hand, we may become so rigid in our boundaries that we don’t allow people to come near us and refuse to change.

Ideally, we should set up boundaries that are fluid and flexible to match the need of the situation and the people we are dealing with.

Our personal boundaries may change over time. A rule of thumb is to be adaptable but firm on matters of self esteem and principle. Develop your self-awareness.

Emotionally Intelligent People know how to maintain boundaries

 

Create your Boundary Statement and honor it

Boundaries can be set up as your principles, policies or rules with which you deal with the world around you.

If you have problems setting up boundaries, then the best way is to write them down and look at them from time to time to remind you what boundaries you have set for yourself.

This is the second step to setting up boundaries.

Many years back, I found myself having work related health problems and the beginnings of a strain in my relationship with my family members who had started mentioning that I was treating the home more like a hotel.

Honestly speaking, I was not surprised. I was putting in long hours at work, more often than not because new demands were being made on me, my subordinates or colleagues.

None of us were able to complete our work on time and I was often caught in a situation of sitting waiting to complete my task.

This is one of the downsides of working in global organizations. Some of your colleagues are coming into work when it is dinner time in your location and you should really be at home.

 

When the migraines and fatigue started to kick in, I had to take a call.

I couldn’t eat another pizza to save my life and glugging coffee was just not working in my favour.

Controlling or influencing my colleagues was out of the question. They were equally fatigued, but I could control my actions. I talked with our supervisor, and we worked out a plan for the entire team.

In the meantime, I created my boundary statement when my doctor started to warn me about future health implications of my lifestyle.

I was much younger at the time but feel free to swipe some of the elements to create your boundary statement:

 

My Boundary Statement

 

Communication is a vital key to success

Once you know your boundaries, communicate them to others. This is the third step and an important one because if others don’t know your boundaries, then they will unknowingly keep stepping over them and the purpose of the boundaries is lost.

Communicate the relevant boundary to the relevant person. There is no point telling your family that your weekends are only meant for family and you don’t want to be disturbed by work but it may be relevant to an associate or colleague who calls to vent or expects you to talk of work on a Sunday when it is not an emergency!

Communication can be done in subtle ways as well as explicitly. Do it whichever way works best for you but make sure that the message gets across. Practice this communication and in time it will become a second nature.

 

Self preservation requires protecting your boundaries

The fourth step is to protect your boundaries. In other words, communicating is not enough; you need to make sure that you make it clear by word and action that you mean business.

Be authentic, demonstrate integrity, be firm and polite and always be true to your word. In other words, your actions should speak louder than your words.

Returning to the boundary of weekends with family, you may choose not to answer your phone on the Sunday.

Or take the call but politely say you are busy with your family. Inquire if the reason for the call is urgent.  Complete the call in less than 5 minutes. The message will get through loud and clear.

There are other ways that you can help yourself and regain a balanced life. Each idea reinforces the concept of boundaries.

10 Steps to a Balanced Life – The Karmic Ally Way 2014 from Vatsala Shukla

 

To Sum up

Enforcing boundaries you’re not used to enforcing is often not very easy.

It is human nature to seek the approval of others but when it encroaches on your life and you lose control of your time, then surely practicing the protection of boundaries is a worthwhile and valuable effort.

Boundary setting and enforcing is an important skill required to be assertive and manage your time effectively. As with all skills, practice makes perfect.

Which steps will you take to reinforce your personal boundaries? Do you have any other recommendations or suggestions for creating effective boundaries? 

Written By: Vatsala Shukla

Personal Boundaries

Assertiveness, self-esteem and self-confidence are all linked to each other.

When you have a high sense of self-esteem you are able to assert yourself without showing up as aggressive.

Your body language and communications exude a sense of self-confidence. This in turn helps to attract the right opportunities and people into your sphere of influence.

Asserting ourselves and what we stand for in any aspect of our life can improve our self-confidence.

For that, we need to first set up our personal boundaries and set limits for others that are acceptable to us.

The story of Ruby’s journey to assertiveness and self-confidence

During my student days in London, I had a friend whom I will call Ruby (yes, friendship means we don’t reveal true names) who used to get walked all over by another girl.

We gave this other girl the code name Meanie in our student hostel.

Ruby would cry about it to the rest of us, get her cup of tea and counselling. She’d promise to be more assertive. 2 days later the cycle would be repeated.

Perhaps being the youngest in our group of girls on the corridor had something to do with it. Quite possibly it was also Ruby’s desire to be part of the group to which Meanie belonged because they were the IT group.

The fact that everyone else was wary of Meanie or the fact that this girl had no female friends and the IT group had only one girl member did not put off my friend.

She didn’t understand the value of belonging to a happy bunch of young women who had a purpose in life. We were a quasi-family for each other in a country far away from home.

Things finally came to a head when one evening, there was a loud bang on my door.

I found Ruby outside crying her heart out.

Over the cup of tea, I learnt that this time, Meanie had gone to Body Shop where my friend had a part-time job as a cashier and handed over a bottle to her for refill, without the money and run off with her Mauritian boyfriend while my friend was serving a customer.

Ruby got a dressing down from the Manager because the customer she was supposed to have been serving complained.

While the admonishing was justified, it was most upsetting. A warning had also been issued and that this was not the first time something like this had happened at work.

Unaware of what coaching or assertiveness training was at the time, we finally took the bull by the horn.

I gave Ruby an ultimatum. Either she brought tea bags and cake with her the next time she came crying to feed the set of 6 friends who were part of her support group, or she needed to stand up for herself and put her foot down.

In other words, to set up her personal boundaries.

Ruby had the assurance of the support group (who had by now all assembled in my room since the crying could be heard down the dormitory) that we would support her but the first step had to come from her.

It took time for my friend to become assertive but she eventually did much to everyone’s relief. The other girl suddenly found herself with no female friends.

Lesson on preserving self-esteem

This brought home a lesson on how people can damage their self esteem by letting other people use them, one way or another.

These people range from their colleagues, friends and even family, to strangers they meet on the street.

Meeting people, talking to them and other interactions should be relaxing and a connection based on mutual trust and respect.

But it is not like instant coffee and one has to work on these connections and relationships to ensure that they meet our needs as well as those of the other party.

If you don’t want others to use you, then you need to set up clear and concise boundaries – even with family.

There are 2 ways in which people can use or abuse you:

• By getting your various resources, without giving you something of equal practical value in return, or

• Compelling you to repress various sides of your personality, which makes you less authentic.

It is one thing to be kind and nice and quite another to be putting the needs of others before yours. Particularly, when there is no mutual compensation or benefit.

Setting up personal boundaries is essential

Having personal boundaries means indicating by your behaviour, and verbally if the other person is so thick skinned as to not get the message (beware, some accomplished users have learnt the art of wearing the other person down into acceptance like a hard sell salesperson) of what you are and are not willing to do, of what you will and will not tolerate from others.

Having well established boundaries allows you to build healthy, non co-dependent relationships and live a normal healthy life.

It is similar to the way cats claw the trees to establish territory and male dogs urinate on trees and lamp posts.

Two dogs in my building actually do it on the wall near one of the entrances and you know it’s there because the other dogs run!

As humans, we have the benefit of being able to set up boundaries using psychology, communication skills, body language and more subtle actions than our animal friends.

The first step in setting up boundaries is to know and understand oneself

This means to introspect and ask oneself

• What do I want and not want
• What am I comfortable
• Is there any action, speech or behaviour of others that makes me uncomfortable
• At what point do I feel that someone has overstepped a limit

There are other questions to consider and writing them down helps.

Once you have an idea of what you are all about, it becomes easier to determine what your boundaries are. Chart out an action plan with the new information.

Remember to be flexible and fluid. No boundary is set in stone. The types of boundaries that you have can change over time as you change.

I go into further detail in the second part of this blog series on boundaries. Continue your journey here.

Develop Your Self-Awareness

Any transformation or change starts with self-awareness. This is true for personal development as well as improving your Emotional Intelligence.

Read more about Developing Your Self Awareness guide and Workbook here. Or get this product immediately by clicking the image.

 

Self Confidence in 8 Steps

I’ve got a more detailed Self-help and Self-study program Self Confidence in 8 Steps on Kindle.  

If you’re a Do It Yourself buff who wants the guidance but loves to fly solo, then read and apply the guidance in this book. Just click on the image!