Do strong emotions affect the way you manage conflicts whether in the workplace or at home?

If you nodded in agreement, then take heart.

Even for the most seasoned pros, resolving conflict can still bring up some powerful emotions.

Have you ever wondered why this happens and how you can avoid getting sucker-punched by your feelings while you are trying to fix a tricky situation?

Hi, I’m Vatsala Shukla, Chief Encouragement Officer at Karmic Ally Coaching. In this presentation, I’ll be discussing how to manage strong emotions when dealing with conflict.

Your composure or lack of it impacts people’s perception of your having Gravitas and a level of Emotional Intelligence. These in turn impact how others perceive your Executive Presence.

Strong Emotions & Conflict Resolution: Prefer to read? Here’s the transcript

Conflicts inherently come from an emotional place. It is vital you practice self-awareness, know how to control your feelings and resolve them successfully.

Understanding Conflict

To begin with, let us try to understand conflict is.

Conflicts come from differences between two or more people. You may disagree over goals, perceptions, needs, ideas, or values, and this rift triggers an emotional response because the other person is threatening something we hold very dear to us.

It may not even be the differing ideas or goals that are the real source of the problem; instead, it is about what these differences mean to having your need for safety, understanding, respect, acceptance, or another emotional requirement fulfilled.

These unmet needs are the real source of conflict, and because they are connected to our emotional health, we feel them very strongly when they are under threat.

The most common emotions that are activated during a conflict are anger and fear, which can manifest in many different ways.

It could be your body language sending out combat signals, that knee jerk email that you can’t recall. Or even shouting at the other person which goes against you even though you may be right about the issue. Think about it. Has this ever happened to you?

When you’re in the middle of a conflict, it’s common to automatically enter into a “fight or flight” mentality.

You experience an adrenalin rush. If you’re not able to control it or aren’t aware of what’s happening to you, you end up reacting rather than responding in an emotionally intelligent manner.

So let’s first understand and then manage our emotions during conflict.

Understanding and Managing Emotions during Conflict

In my blog post Conflict Management can be easy and without losing one’s mind, I recommended focusing on the issue.

It’s easier said than done when our emotions come into the picture.

One of the most important steps in managing your emotions to resolve a conflict is first identifying them and understanding their source.

Getting in touch with your anger or fear (or sadness or whatever else you are feeling) is vital.

Until you know what you are feeling and why, you cannot possibly hope to get your feelings under control. Doing this outside of the conflict situation is imperative.

You cannot rationally discuss a problem with someone else while simultaneously trying to work out why you are feeling the way you do.

It is also helpful to look at how this emotion has influenced you in the past, and if those actions were productive.

When you’ve been angry before, did you lash out physically or use your words to demean someone else?

What were the consequences of your hostile actions, and why would you have or rather what would you have done differently?

Recognizing the emotions of the other person’s also essential. Why do they feel the way they do, and how are their emotions influencing their actions?

Use the exercise of perceptual positions to get a feel of the other person’s point of view. And above all, don’t let your emotions feed the other person’s emotions. Maintain composure and don’t allow the other person know how you’re getting upset.

This will help you to find a win-win solution.

Understand your Emotional Buttons

Understanding your emotional “buttons” is crucial to making sure that your emotions do not take over when you are trying to resolve your problem.

What are the issues, comments, or actions that are most likely to make you upset or feel frustrated? When you hear or see these things, what can you do instead to minimize your emotional response to them?

Once you know your trigger points, it’s easier to manage your response to them and not feel blindsided when they come up during conflict.

In fact, I usually ask my clients about the trigger points when they mention that they got upset or they lost their cool. And normally, it turns out that there is something else going on in the background.

Acknowledge and Label your Feelings

I recommend that you acknowledge and label your feelings.

And this comes from Susan David, who’s the author of Emotional Agility, who points out that when you’re feeling emotional, the attention you give your thoughts and feelings crowd your mind and there’s no room to examine them. And you have to distance yourself from the feeling and label it. Call a thought a thought and an emotion an emotion.

You see, labelling allows you to see your thoughts and feelings for what they are: the transient sources of data that may or may not prove helpful. And when  you put that space between these emotions and you, it’s easier to let them go — and not bury them or let them explode.

What’s Your physical response?

Becoming more aware of your physical response to emotions can also help you get a handle on them in times of stress. When you are upset or angry, what happens to your pulse? How does your stomach feel? What sensations do you notice in other parts of your body?

The more you are aware of these responses, the better you will be able to recognize them as they are starting to build up rather than waiting until you are in full-blown reaction to begin to de-escalate.

Other ideas to handle strong Emotions

I have some other ideas that can help you to handle strong emotions. Mindfulness and breathing strategies can help to calm you when your emotional response kicks in.

You can use the power of mantras or affirmations to calm yourself down. You can try saying ‘all is well’ or ‘this is not me/ about me’. Or anything else that can help you to calm down in the moment. You can also try tapping your collar bone just below the neck to release any pent up emotion.

Learning how to talk about your feelings and the unmet needs can help you to resolve your problems.

And, without blaming, you should be able to express to the other person how their actions or beliefs are actually making you feel, and you should also practice listening to their responses, which can give insight into the situation.

If nothing else, request a break and stretch your body or simply stand up and walk a bit.

Another technique that I find works well is to touch each finger with the thumb until one feels calm. And this is one that I have actually tried before and I suggest it. Nobody would even know what’s going on.

Extra Resource: Having Tough Conversations Tipsheet

I have an extra resource that will help you, especially when you’re having tough conversations and can help you to avoid conflict. The link to my special report Having Tough Conversations is given below this video.

So having shared all of that, I’d like to leave you with a quote and a question.

The quote is from Frederick Lenz and it’s very true.

“Learn to control your emotions. Be able to glide through them. By practicing concentration exercises and meditation, you will find that when strong emotions strike, you will gain the ability to not be swayed by them.”

And overall, becoming more emotionally aware will help you avoid feeling ambushed by your feelings while also learning to channel them productively into finding a resolution to your source of conflict.

That’s all from me for now but I’d like to leave you with a question, for you to consider and perhaps even leave me with a reply.

That is, which tip will you apply first the next time you’re experiencing strong emotions during a conflict situation?

With that, I leave you to reflect on this question. I’m Vatsala Shukla from Karmic Ally Coaching signing off. Bye for now.

If you’ve ever tried to introduce change in an organization or department, then hearing the phrase ‘we’ve always done it that way’ or ‘that’s the way we’ve always done it’ will irritate you- guaranteed!

You would be fully justified to think the employees are hiding their incompetence or are disengaged.

Sometimes, it’s the insecurity in the staff. They feel that if change is introduced, it would make them redundant or replaceable especially if the knowledge they possess isn’t available with anyone else in the department. I’ve seen that happen too.

But pause for a moment, it’s quite possible the person saying it isn’t defending a time inefficient task, they genuinely might not know of an alternative.

Contrary to the ranting I often see on the internet about people defending archaic or redundant processes because they are scared of change, sometimes, it’s the team that wants change or is open to new processes. But they don’t have a teacher or leader who can help them create a new status quo.

I used to think the same way until I took on a project where to my surprise, the employees asked me to implement a new way of doing things to make their lives easier!

True Story: How a secret bar stock room became an authorized storage room

Way back in the late 1990s when I was working as a consultant to a leading Adventure Group of Companies in Nepal, one of my jobs was to visit their Lodges and check for efficiency and productivity. The mandate was to strengthen the controls over food and beverages since we knew there was a leak somewhere.

You can read the background in my post Internal Controls: To catch Thieves, You need to think like one.

The employees at the first Lodge I visited were eager to co-operate with my audit exercises and wanted to plug the ‘leak’ too since they knew it was an area of complaint from Headquarters.

They asserted their innocence and instead of seeing me as the enemy from Headquarters, took my 2 week visit as an opportunity to create change.

They loved their employer, were loyal to a fault and welcomed my visit.

Interesting discoveries were made including a secret storeroom kept by the Bar Keeper who was unaware of the fact that all stock had to be kept in the centralized storeroom.

His explanation based on my observations made sense.

The tourists who came to the Lodge loved to drink at the fireside and there were times when he would run out of stock, so he kept a bottle or two in the so-called secret storeroom.

Sadly, despite having an Internal Auditor for the Group as well as an external auditor, nobody had bothered to find out what was happening. The forms in use had been there since the beginning of time. (Side story: Both were fired after I submitted my report).

The secret storeroom was legitimized and included in stock takes and a few forms were updated for modern times.

A team of staff members even sat with me at a meeting they had called for to give suggestions to improve the systems and tighten controls.

Mind you, these were not finance specialists or educated, but they had decades of wisdom in lodge management and could have put any hotel management graduate to shame.

One point I noted was the answer to each question was “we’ve always done it that way”.

It reminds me of an anecdote I had read years ago which apparently is based on a true incident.

What happens when we don’t question procedures?

A quality management consultant was visiting a small and somewhat antiquated English manufacturing company, to advise on improving general operating efficiency.

The advisor was reviewing a particular daily report which dealt with aspects of productivity, absentee rates, machine failure, down-time, etc.

The report was completed manually onto a photocopied proforma that was several generations away from the original master-copy, so its headings and descriptions were quite difficult to understand.

The photocopied forms were particularly fuzzy at the top-right corner, where a small box had a heading that was not clear at all. The advisor was interested to note that the figure ‘0’ had been written in every daily report for the past year.

On questioning the members of staff who completed the report, they told him that they always put a zero in that box, and when he asked them why they looked at each other blankly. “Hmmm.., I’m not sure about that,” they each said, “I guess we’ve just always done it that way.”

Intrigued, the consultant visited the archives to see if he could find a clearer form, to discover what was originally being reported and whether it actually held any significance.

When he found the old reports, he saw that the zero return had continued uninterrupted for as far back as the records extended – at least the past thirty years – but none of the forms was any clearer than those presently in use. A little frustrated, he packed away the old papers and turned to leave the room, but something caught his eye.

In another box he noticed a folder, promisingly titled ‘master forms’. Sure enough inside it he found the original daily report proforma master-copy, in pristine condition. In the top right corner was the mysterious box, with the heading clearly shown …… ‘Number of Air Raids Today’.

How does this relate to you the leader of your people?

Not knowing when to make changes in procedures, routines and habits results in time wastage which is not what executives wanting to demonstrate leadership do.

Good managers and executives appreciate the value of their time. They understand it’s what we do with our time to benefit ourselves and others that determines how well they manage this precious resource.

They know how to manage their time and work on priority recommending changes to save time without compromising quality of work.

In other words, they position themselves as Leaders.

Here’s how we did it back in the Lodge:

Step 1: I didn’t have a procedure manual at hand so I recorded how certain processes were done by the staff in charge of those processes including who checked the work.

The staff helped me identify those parts of procedures that didn’t add value to their efforts. I suggested new ones based on my knowledge of internal controls and industry best practice.

Step 2: We looked at the tasks that were not adding value to check if they needed to be improved or simply dumped as the steps had been set up 25 years ago. We also checked if there was technology that could be implemented to reduce wastage.

Step 3: We monitored our results with the new processes and procedures.

My first visit was for only a fortnight but the staff knew I would return at a later date and they were asked to monitor if things were better.

A month later, when I visited the site to continue on another aspect of the systems, I had 800 very happy workers waiting to greet me.

There’s a more comprehensive and systematic way to set up an operations manual and systems in my course Business Systems that encourage Growth – Guaranteed.

More Tips to shine as a good Leader in the Workplace

Quite honestly, as a consultant I didn’t have locus standi to order the changes. Sometimes I had to rely on the Lodge Manager who was the owner’s son to instruct change implementation, especially about the secret bar stock room!

The success of this project would not have been possible if the employees were not “team players.”

You may hear that so often that it becomes meaningless. But it isn’t – being a team player is a fairly broad term, and it can include an important attribute that employers appreciate: leadership.

Being a leader in the workplace does not necessarily mean being a boss, manager, supervisor, or other “official” position, although it can mean that.

It can also mean setting a good example for others and/or heading up office programs and projects.

Here are some tips and ideas on how to be a leader in the workplace that I learned from my experience at the Lodge.

Be Confident

There’s a saying that can serve you well in the workplace: “Never let them see you sweat.” Of course, no one is perfect; but appearing confident inspires others to trust you and take your advice.

One way to ensure that you appear self-assured is not to talk too much about your fears and concerns. Talk to friends outside of the workplace about your uncertainties.

See the Good in Others

Being able to see the good traits in others is a useful leadership trait in the workplace. If you need to put certain people in charge of certain tasks, it pays to know who will do well with what task.

You also may see potential in a co-worker and “stretch” him or her by requesting a task that might be a bit challenging. This improves the overall skill set of the workforce and helps build self-esteem in your co-workers.

Use the skill of effective feedback in all situations requiring improvement.

Don’t Be Afraid to Delegate

There’s a difference between being a people person & being a people-pleaser. Being a people person means you have a genuine love for people, but you’re not afraid to ask people to do things.

Being a leader doesn’t mean just doing everything yourself; it means you are comfortable giving up some control and delegating tasks to others.

Appreciate Co-Workers

No one wants to work for or with someone who doesn’t appreciate them. If you let everyone know you appreciate what they’ve done and how they’ve given their time and talents, it can go a long way.

It’s always good to remember that there would be no leaders if there weren’t any followers. People who are appreciated may be more likely to follow your lead next time.

Problem Solving

If you step up with ideas on how to solve dilemmas, problems, and have resourceful ideas about how to accomplish something, then speak up. Employers value the ability to think through a problem and find a creative solution. This is a valuable leadership quality.

The next time you’re faced with the ‘we’ve always done it that way’ phrase, do what I did. Don’t generalize or misread any grumpy expression.

Instead try being a leader.

When I wrote my account about the micro manager who we nicknamed Big Brother Cat and the team feeling like a galley of mice on a slave ship, I must have hit a nerve somewhere because it was a highly visited and read post. For sure each one of us has known one (maybe even 2 or 3) at some point of time in our careers.

The truth is, controlling bosses can slow us down and undermine our confidence. Nobody, and I mean nobody likes a boss or supervisor who second guesses our decisions and expects us to be available round the clock. It’s often a reason for employee attrition and one area that any manager can improve upon.

A professional who has been recently promoted to manager might indulge in micro-management at the beginning despite the leadership courses his employers might have sent him not because he’s a nasty person but in reality, there is a learning curve involved from making the shift from an Executive who executes to a Manager who manages.

The Art of Delegation has to be learned as is overcoming the fear that they might not be successful in their new role.

Then again, there are more experienced managers who still engage in micro-management like Big Brother Cat. I suspect in his case it was the feeling of a lack of control. His team was working more with the Technical Manager on the assignment, and he was reduced to doing a PR and Admin role.

The need to micromanage might also arise because the manager might have been let down in the past.

Perhaps he had worked for a micromanaging boss and having had no other role model, imbibed this style of management. It can also be caused by a deep sense of insecurity.

Whatever the root cause, it leads to low morale in the team and lowers productivity.

Some time back, one of my clients told me about a boss whom she reported to through her immediate boss who had become a monster. Not literally but the language in his emails had taken on a tone that she wasn’t used to and she started to wonder if she had done anything wrong?

She was working weekends to meet an important regulatory deadline and was throwing her work life balance out of gear for this deadline.

Fortunately she had shared details of the assignment with me during a previous coaching call and as an outsider I sensed what might be causing the Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde syndrome.

As a former Finance Director who had regulatory reporting requirements every quarter, I know the pressure to meet deadlines and report to the Board of Directors. Depending on the industry, there are key deliverables that are tied to the director’s remuneration, bonus and even job.

So, while the team might be working to the best of their ability, they are involved in a micro part of the delivery for which they are responsible but might not be aware of the big picture or how their work ties up to a bigger deliverable.

In such a case, a good boss would share the big picture with the team or at least his or her direct reports who would translate it down the line. Sometimes it happens and sometimes it doesn’t.

Either way, the top boss does experience a sense of not being in control and powerless and voila, micromanagement manifests.

This is documented in Drake Baer’s article, Bosses Micromanage When They Feel Powerless.

One of the best ways to overcome this is to keep them in the loop with regular progress reports or if there is a roadblock, talk to them to tap into their wealth of experience and get some much required guidance.

The minute my client started sending weekly reports, the top boss went back to being normal.

Overbearing management styles are all too common and counterproductive. Most employees say they’ve been micro-managed at some point in their career, and studies show that workers perform worse when they feel like they’re being watched.

If your boss is hovering over your shoulder, encourage them to give you more space. Try these steps to gain more freedom and still get along with your boss.

5 Steps you can take to reduce Micromanagement

Assess if your performance is part of the problem.

Do you show up on time and follow through on your responsibilities? Close supervision could be a rational response when an employee tends to be less than reliable. Start out by investigating whether you could be contributing to the situation.

Be proactive.

Once you’ve assured yourself that you’re on top of your work, you can turn your attention to how to cope with your boss’s management style. Just as my client figured out that the top boss needed weekly progress reports and her silence creating stress, identify their anxiety triggers and figure out your plan of action in advance. (Bonus reading: 9 Signs Your Boss Is a Micromanager—and How to Handle Them)

Coordinate with colleagues.

Chances are your co-workers experience the same issues you do. Coordinate your efforts to show your boss that they can trust you to pull together to overcome challenges even while they’re traveling or focusing on strategy.

Document your activities.

Logging your accomplishments creates a paper trail. Having your facts straight helps you to prove your worth and maintain your peace of mind. This step is crucial in case the micromanagement is not because of the reasons I’m stating in this post, but a tactic that is being used to demonstrate your incompetence and an exit from the company (yes, this too happens in corporate politics).

Seek intervention.

When appropriate, you may be able to consult others without alienating your boss. If senior management asks for feedback, let them know your supervisor’s good qualities in addition to changes that could help you do a better job. Your HR department or employee assistance program may also offer relevant advice.

7 Ways to Manage the Micromanager

It takes self-confidence and high emotional intelligence to tackle a nitpick boss and to ensure that your work doesn’t suffer because of it.

I call it the Manage the Manager method and share tactics to ensure that your work is noticed while making your boss look good in Get Noticed!

You need to take charge of the situation before it takes charge of you and requires you polish your Emotional Intelligence skills.

Being proactive and empathetic will transform your relationship with a micromanaging boss. Learn to collaborate as a team, or at least maintain harmony. You’ll enjoy more autonomy as a result.

Here’s how I would do it.

1. Provide updates. Frequent status reports keep your boss informed without their having to ask. Assure them that things are running smoothly.
2. Build rapport and create a personal connection. Respect and compassion enhance any working relationship. Remind yourself of what you like about your boss. Make time for small talk and sharing common interests. A strong foundation will make any disagreement easier to handle.
3. Create more opportunities. Is your boss interfering with your work because they don’t have a full plate of their own? Add value by presenting them with public speaking opportunities and sales leads. Helping your boss to shine is a smart way to advance your own career.
4. Clarify your role. Listen closely to your boss and observe their behavior. That way you can understand their preferences and anticipate their needs. Maybe they like booking their own travel arrangements. Maybe they care more about employees following instructions than taking initiative.
5. Ask for feedback. Find out what your boss is thinking. Ask questions about what results they’re looking for and how you’re measuring up. Pinpoint strengths you can build on and changes that they would like to see.

Reinforce any positive interactions by letting your boss know how much you appreciate their efforts when you’re allowed to take charge of a project or find your own approach. Tell them that you enjoy working with them and that they’re helping you to contribute more.

We’ve all experienced micromanaging supervisors in our career and good professionals learn over time to mitigate the adverse effects of the Big Brother Cat Manager.

What micro-manager managing tips can you offer?

Procrastination is a complex personal challenge. For many, it’s an enigma associated with time management and our inclination to stall important actions ultimately adversely impacting our personal and professional lives.

In my Procrastination Quiz, we looked at different activities to ascertain whether a person was a habitual procrastinator along the deferment spectrum.

The good news is procrastination is a habit and habits can be changed with the right approach and attitude. We have a choice.

Procrastination is an equal opportunity habit that interferes with the productivity of people from every economic level, profession, age, or other demographic category.

That’s what I discovered for myself at Quora where I often answer questions on self-development. This time, there were 2 different people with different demographic profiles who wanted to get rid of their procrastination habit.

One was a student who admitted that he got easily distracted whenever he tried to read or study. His concentration level was less than a few minutes even when he was studying. He wanted tips to overcome this dilemma and find an efficient way to overcome procrastination.

The other person wanted to be a top performer at work. He was aware of the fact that when work got too hard, he’d cop out and enjoyed procrastinating. He wanted to change this time wasting behavior.

Practically everyone has at least 1 or more serious procrastination challenge to meet, especially workplace procrastination.

Procrastination is multifaceted

It’s more than a delay tactic. The concept isn’t as simple as you might think. There are 3 elements that make up procrastination and both readers who had asked for advice demonstrated these elements.

I mentioned earlier that procrastination was a habit. To be clearer, procrastination is an automatic problem habit; where we put off an important and timely activity until another time. It’s a process that has probable consequences.

We procrastinate because we have a negative perception about an anticipated activity.

This creates an urge to diverge by substituting something less relevant, and our procrastination is more often than not accompanied with thinking of justifications to delay action.

The decision to delay action brings immediate relief and hope but also reinforce the procrastination decision, making other procrastination decisions more likely in the future.

Have you ever had to do an important task and thought, “I’ll do this later when I feel ready.”? Or suddenly realized you have to take the dog for a walk, wash dishes or start cleaning the desk?

You’ve procrastinated and avoided the task. You can justify the urgency of the substituted tasks till the cows come home but the truth is, you’ve postponed the more important task.

More than a simple act of avoidance, procrastination involves a process of interconnected perceptions and thoughts, emotions and sensations and actions.

Choice comes into play when you recognize that you can either take corrective action or do nothing and hope for the best.

What’s an efficient way to overcome procrastination?

Procrastination is often a sign of deeper problems and useful in avoiding things that we know we need to do but want to justify not doing them. I don’t know anyone who chooses to develop a procrastination habit. If you are unsure try this Procrastination Quiz

Recognizing the tendency to procrastinate, for whatever reason, is half the battle.

Then it’s time to analyze the specific situations where you procrastinate and ask yourself some hard questions. What is the trigger for the procrastination?

It certainly isn’t a challenging task but some underlying reason. Is it fear of failure, perfectionism or a secondary benefit or pay-off? We procrastinate to put off things that make us uncomfortable.

Once you know the true underlying cause for procrastination and the key area where your exhibit this behavior, you can move forward and turn yourself into a top performer.

Perhaps better planning and chunking down tasks to acceptable bytes and building in some relaxation time might help as a starting point.

Think along those lines and then create a doable action plan to overcome your procrastinating tendencies.

I’ve found the Pomodoro technique to be useful when work feels like a huge mountain in front of me. You can learn more in my post Can a Tomato improve your Time Management?

Ultimately change is a choice, and it is our responsibility to take corrective action.

However change is also a process and is a habit that keeps us in our comfort zone. Would you like to change this inefficient and productivity reducing habit?

I suggest you take the How to Stop Procrastinating right now micro-course. Click here for the details or on the image below. The course is housed on my Karmic Ally Coaching Training website.

Do you know why you procrastinate on some actions and breeze through others? How do you keep this habit in check?

Do share your tips and experience in the comments section below.

Let me say this right off the bat, if anyone you know says they don’t have any problems, they’re fibbing – big time. We all have problems at some point or the other.

The magnitude may vary or we might have taught ourselves to reframe the situation to make it seem like a learning opportunity or a challenge to be overcome.  A problem is a problem. It’s how we deal with it that matters and that’s where my furry companion Coco the Cock A Tzu has it all worked out.

I often look at my current canine companion Coco and think, that the saying ‘it’s a dog’s life’ is way off the mark. I mean, she has it all – a loving family, plenty of toys, good nutritious meals, visits to the vet when she is not well in an owner driven car and a housing complex filled with people who worry if she is not out with me.

The furry child’s antics amuse my friends and I’ve had people tell me that Miss Coco deserves her own Facebook Fan Page.

But I realise that her life is good because of her perspective and attitude towards life and the challenges that she faces as a sole dog in a house filled with humans. She knows inherently that there are no problems, only solutions and deals with issues quite differently than we humans do.

If there is a puddle of water on the morning walk path – no issue- she just looks at it and changes the direction of her walk slightly to avoid getting her paws wet and continues.

This last example I think is part of her learning. As a puppy, if she saw a rain puddle, she’d jump right in and get wet which meant she’d be put in the bathroom sink and have her paws washed by a grumpy pet parent which isn’t as much fun as her regular baths in my lap which are preceded by grooming to get matted hair out and the entire pre-bath ritual.

More reason why I can genuinely say Coco knows the art of problem solving.

We all have problems in our everyday lives. Some are small ones that are dealt with easily so that they don’t appear to be problems and some are of a greater magnitude that require us to use our problem solving skills. It all comes down to our approach.

3 Canine Problem Solving Skills even Humans can use

A dog approaches a problem with an open mind and engages in possibility thinking.  As humans, many of us approach issues with annoyance and a negative attitude thinking of it as a hindrance rather than an opportunity to learn and grow. We set ourselves up for failure even before we begin.

When Coco’s ball rolls under the sofa, she gets excited and tries various options to retrieve the ball. Each time this happens, she finds new ways to solve her dilemma. She is persistent.

As a human, we most probably get frustrated if we cannot solve an issue immediately and look for easy short term solutions rather than looking at the big picture.

I’ve shared my observations with other canine companions and it appears their pet buddies do the same. I’m convinced Coco & furry company can teach us humans a thing or two. Problem solving is not only a valuable skill; it is also an art and based on my observations, I suggest the following subset of skills that are required.

Problem Solving Skill 1: Creative Thinking

The first skill is creative thinking. You can call it thinking out of the box. The ideas will flow if you engage your imagination during a brainstorming session. Write down your ideas on a piece of paper.

Problem Solving Skill 2: Objective Evaluation

The second step is to check each option that you have written for sound reasoning and weed out the unachievable options. Make sure that you are objective in your approach.

Problem Solving Skill 3: Open mind

The third and most important step is to approach each problem that you encounter with an open mind and positive attitude. That is the only way you will not only find solutions but better ones that work.

Now for the humans to prove that we too know how to solve problems.

Have any tips you’d like to share? Or a nugget of what your pet friend –dog, cat, gold fish or turtle has taught you? Do share with Coco and me in the comments box below.

PS. Coco doesn’t coach but her pet parent mentored by this wise little dog does!

Sometimes, the only way to solve a problem is to prepare for change. Do you find it easy to adapt to new circumstances? Find out your change management style with The Karmic Ally Coaching Quiz by clicking here or on the image below. It’s on the house!

Written By: Vatsala Shukla

Recently a friend emailed me this joke which I quote ad verbatim:

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade & $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass & at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil.

But jokes apart, I realize that there is a lesson hiding within the joke.

How many times have we faced a hitch or problem & gotten so enmeshed with solution finding that we have exhausted ourselves to get to the problem solved, procrastinated or made it into a larger-than-life issue?

Here are 2 real-life instances of turning molehills into mountains

If the boss asks about an update on a project and you have not completed an important step because other things took time or you got into a block, how many times have you created a lengthy monologue about the issue without getting to the problem needing resolution?

By which time I am sure that the boss is in an angry frame of mind and to put it mildly all hell is breaking lose.

Closer to home, how about the doctor telling you that you need more exercise for health reasons & you say you don’t have time & are already coping with work life balance issues?

Of course, there may be a problem building in the exercise in your already heavy schedule, but does it really need to be a problem?

The doctor said you needed exercise; he didn’t say to join a gym or enroll for a marathon!

Problem could be solved by parking your car a block away from your office & walking to work or climbing the stairs in the building whether at home or at work.

That is exercise. The pain in unused muscles will confirm it. So will the indicators of better legs, smaller backside & more stamina.

Been there, done that with variations in life.

Sometimes, in problem solving, the best way out is to look for the simple solution rather than engaging in theorizing, projection & getting worked up like the NASA did in the above joke.

Use the 6 Step Approach to Problem Solving

1.   Write down the problem

2.   The why, who, where & what

Think a little more about the problem and the specifics. Get to the root or underlying issue.

3.   Break it down to manageable pieces

This is what we do in time management & believe me it works for problem solving too. What seems to be a problem may actually have a small element which is creating a hitch. Sort it out, problem solution surfaces or problem disappears.

4.   Brainstorming

There is nothing like a good dash of brainstorming. This does not necessarily need to be done in a group; you can do it yourself by writing down all your ideas of a solution to the problem at hand. Once on paper, look at each for merits, demerits and workability. The simple solution may be staring you right in the face shouting, see me, see me!

Of course, if there are other stakeholders involved, then solicit their inputs to get stronger, more viable & effective solutions which will work.

Remember, One Size Does Not Fit All – alterations are often required.

5.   Feedback and inputs

Sometimes another person’s perspectives when given with objectivity & detachment from the outcome can help in finding the right or at least workable solution. A friend, family member & best, a Life Coach can assist.

6.   Action Plan

Once you know the problem & the solution just get on with it! If the solution requires time or resources, then strategize, get the resources mobilized & know that it will take time. If the solution is simple – action it.

What if you still find it difficult to simplify?

You need to ask yourself if the problem really isn’t that simple or whether it is your mindset?

Your mindset determines the level of success you have with problem solving.

Do you tend to make mountains out of molehills and can’t see a workable solution? Most probably you have a fixed mindset.

You need to get out of the fixed mindset trap.

Use this free How to Overcome Trying Situations by Changing Your Mind Worksheet to gather your thoughts.

Whatever you do, remember, simplicity works best & if you can get to the underlying issue addressing it in a timely manner, there would be no problem at all. Just a temporary hurdle or glitch to be overcome.

Additional Resource:

Problem solving also involves goal setting and actions to succeed.

I invite you to check out my Kindle book: Goal Achievement Simplified: When Your Actions give Results below. The link is my affiliate link which means if you purchase it from here, I’ll get a few cents extra. 

Written By: Vatsala Shukla

Email security

Better yet, you have auto-routing set up for that account and find out about the hacking because your routed email account proudly displays the message from your service provider that the Password was successfully changed at 6.11 am – the time that you were not even logged onto the internet and were busy with the chores you do in the morning.

It happened to me today and I can assure you that one’s head goes into a spin. It requires stepping back, deep breathing and then getting into action to take back control of your privacy and your email account.

Consider it as a given risk that you will have your email, social media account and website hacked into. If you depend on online services, then you take the risk of some violation of your privacy and details. Think about the recent ebay account hacking.

Here’s how I went about it and did some good damage control.

Step 1. Ground yourself

You know you have a problem but don’t yet know the magnitude of that problem. The best way to handle is to keep calm (not an easy task at the time). I immediately grounded myself with the breathing exercises that I shared in my post http://karmicallycoaching.com/breathe-and-meditate-to-manage-stress/

I also try to forgive those who hurt me – not easy, thought it helps me to get back my energy for more positive and constructive tasks. I find forgiving helps to heal the psyche. (My post When Forgiving Helps to Heal tells  more about this)

 Step 2. Get access to your email account

You need to assess the damage. So after I got the notification of the change of password, I tried logging in from the login website of the service provider. I was not successful.

I then tried using the “Forgot my password” technique which usually works but this time, it did not because as I discovered later, my secret question had been changed.

If you have a similar situation, the next step to gain access is to call the Customer Service Help Line and ask for assistance.

No matter how stressed you are, comply with all their security information requests and ask them to reset your password.

My service provider was kind enough to text the new password to me and urged me to change the password immediately after login from the User Portal to a stronger one.

Step 3. Assess the damage and set up tighter security

Once you have access to your email account, the first thing you need to do is change your password. Change it to a long and strong password using numbers, multiple cases and if your service provider allows special characters. Refrain from using real words.

After that, look at all the settings to see if anything has been changed.

I found my auto-responder email address had been changed to that of the service provider which I changed again to the one I had originally set up.

On an aside, I also noticed that the email notification for password change had conveniently been deleted. So check everything!

This will prevent the hacker from getting back into your email account.

The next step is to go back to the service provider’s website and log into your user account and check for any changes to your User Profile, change your password if you have logged in with the reset password and haven’t already changed it and set a more difficult Security question.

My service provider advised me to do the needful and then write back with full details of the hacking to enable them to look into it. Always inform the service provider both before and after you have taken the needful action.

Step 4.  Check your other accounts

Now we get deeper into damage control mode.

If you have used this compromised email as a User Name for any of your other internet activities, such LinkedIn, Facebook, Twitter, PayPal, internet banking or any other service, then check to see if anything is amiss. The same holds for any application you use to access your emails. You need to change the password to the new one.

I personally make sure that each service has a different password but sometimes we don’t. First call of action – change the passwords!

One other thing I checked was my Inbox, Junk and Trash folders for any other indications of password reset emails. That was when I found the success notification for the hacking.

In fact, as a precaution, change all passwords related to that email where it is your User Name.

Step 5. Check for spam and let others know what has happened

I have a feeling I was part of a bigger game of hacked email collection to be used later as I was able to take timely action, even if 4 hours later.

Apart from the verbal and written notification to the service provider, I put out a notice to my friends on Facebook that my email id had been compromised and that if they received any weird email from me, then know that it wasn’t from me.

This is 1 step you should do once you have your back-end sorted out. The last thing I want is for my friends to think that I stuck in a foreign land and need money or have found a video that they really must watch and get them compromised as well.

In fact, I’ve been monitoring that email account since 10.30 this morning to check if anything funny is still happening and if I need to write any personal emails to apologize or inform them of the situation.

Step 6. Looking forward

This happens once and you take the right actions after the event. Here are a few pointers that my email service provider sent me which I am sharing with you.

• Choose a strong password- Like I mentioned before, it should be a long and strong one with a mixture of numbers, cases and symbols to increase the strength and complexity of your password. This makes sure that the hacker needs to take more time to break the password. 

• Avoid real words or something that can be second guessed by looking at your profile on social media. Better yet, randomly generate a string of characters and note it down somewhere safe or a password manager and use when you need to log in.

• Don’t share your password with others

• Always log out if you are using a computer with other users

• Change your password every fortnight

• Change your secret question from time to time so that nobody can guess the answer

• If you forget your secret question and answer, contact your service provider for assistance

If anything else, I finally understood the importance of a 2 factor authentication system. The banks use it and many of the social media sites allow you to set it up too. Do you really need it? It all depends upon your choice and preference though yes, at least on Facebook, I record the location of login and for my other email accounts I’ve used their extra security recommendations.

This is a longer post than I had originally planned but I wanted to share as many tips and steps as I possibly could.

Did I miss out anything? Has this ever happened to you? How did you handle it? Please do share in the comments box below.

PS. Never use the same password twice!

Written by: Vatsala Shukla

Picture yourself on a Friday afternoon at the office during reporting season. Your colleagues and you are working hard towards a reporting deadline. The progress signal has already turned from Green to Amber.

If you guys don’t pull out all the stops and go for broke, it will go Red.

So will the management of the company where you work when they try to explain the delay to stakeholders.

Along comes the auditor who has to review the work and sign-off. Although for this particular report, he won’t be auditing the numbers, he comes up with a piece of information which on first look is not relevant to the current report.

You believe it can be put in as a note for the future. It will not impact the report but not humoring the auditor may result in a delay in the sign-off.

Leave management alone for the moment, you and your colleagues, worn out from late night working are seeing red. You’re ready to gore the auditor who is simply managing his risk. He’s trying to “add value” to justify his fees at what I would describe is a most inopportune time.

The auditor with his new information becomes a problem.

It is up to you to decide the magnitude of the problem as well as how to solve it.

Since the auditor interacts with higher management, it would not be a good time to launch into criticism and shoot him down as a problem-solving option.

Besides, the auditor may have inadvertently brought up a point which may require some attention and more than just a line in your report.

Perhaps an acknowledgement that an issue is developing but that the outcome can only be determined when more information is available. Or that the outcome cannot be quantified will be enough?

One of you is delegated to have a quick look at the issue and you confirm that it is not relevant right now. A one-liner or two in the report suffices and you can proceed with the task at hand.

But what about Mr Auditor, who having alerted management to the issue will now require justification to prove him wrong and is going hammer and tongs with his emails to your team and management?

Do you shoot off emails left, right and center criticizing him?

Not a good idea.

For one, you still have to work with the auditor this year. For another, most people respond defensively when receiving criticism.  You don’t want Mr Auditor seeing red!

You also don’t have the time to launch into the finer aspects of constructive criticism which would anyhow be out of place in this scenario since the auditor is not your subordinate or reporting to you.

Still, a message has to be conveyed to Mr Auditor and management has to receive justification for not changing the decided action plan.

At this point, you need to kill two birds with one stone without upsetting anyone.

You could still go with the problem-solving approach wherein a meeting would be held with the auditor and minutes forwarded to management.

The emphasis here would be on solving the problem by getting the team members and auditor involved, listening to their views, and depersonalizing the criticism.

There goes the rest of Friday too…….

Apply the 4 Step Persuasion Approach for Problem Solving

A better way out in this scenario would be to use the persuasion approach, where the team leader does more talking than listening and appeals to the person’s interest or desire.

Using this approach shows understanding of the person’s concerns and issues and stresses the potential positive outcomes.

Assuming that you now have the information you need to confirm your viewpoint, instead of talking, compose a memo to be sent to the team’s reporting manager. He will then take the initiative of forwarding it to the auditor and any other relevant stakeholder. Proceed with your work to make Amber go back to Green instead.

My suggested approach before writing your memo would be:

Step 1
Plan your persuasion approach by jotting down notes on all the points to be covered. In this case, double check for accuracy of facts with the team member who took time out to do the extra research.

Step 2
Start writing your memo and discuss only the specifics, which would include any future actions or outcomes (or both).

Step 3
Write down some things that you can say to show understanding to the auditor or other party. Make sure that you do write something positive for the other person.

Step 4
Indicate what steps you have taken and also those that you intend to take including an action plan to be tabled for a meeting in the future with all parties, if necessary.

The problem may not disappear immediately but having made a written business case based on facts, you can use the art of persuasion to bring others around to your viewpoint.

Send off the memo to your reporting manager and get back to work!

If you need to work on your persuasive skills check out my post, How to Influence People with Authentic Persuasion.

And if you want to lead others with influence, here are the 6 top qualities you need to develop!

Get your Leadership Presence Tutorial here

Are you having similar problems at work and need to learn how to handle them? Share in the comments area and let me see how I can assist.

Contact me today for a free consult and learn more about our Career Coaching service.

Last Year in December I wrote about Releasing Negative Trends – A New Year Resolution.  I touched upon the differences in the perspectives of positive and negative thinkers with a strategy for positive thought patterns.

The strategy works but eliminating negative thoughts can be challenging at times. That’s because they are charged with emotions which may be missing with positive thoughts.

A prescription diet of thinking more positive thoughts might not necessarily work although they are effective through the programming route suggested in the above blog post.

How does one work out how many positive thoughts need to be thought to neutralize one negative thought?

The next time you find a negative thought creeping up behind you, try one of these tips and banish the thought from your mind for good.

Your turn now. How do you keep negative thoughts at bay? Or use them for a positive purpose? 

Additional Resource: Mind Mastery for Professional Women

Light Of Grace (B.G.R) by Anonymous User

Written By: Vatsala Shukla