Update 1 October 2023 – When I wrote this post back in 2013, my focus was on sharing my experience with the reader and how forgiving others benefits us mentally, emotionally and spiritually. The tools I shared were of a metaphysical nature.

There is another benefit of learning to forgive – improving our Emotional Intelligence and raising our Emotional Quotient (EQ). I address this further in the post.

The journey of forgiving unknown people.

In my post How to break free of limiting beliefs created by others without cutting off relationships, I mentioned the nightmare that ensued after my website had been hacked. I also mentioned receiving support and recognized the role of the Universe and Gratitude in my life.

What I did not mention was a tweet that caught my eye on Bucket Lists.

Or my on the spur reply that my Bucket List included someday forgiving the Hacker who made a mess of things for me. I needed the power of forgiving to heal. My reply was favourited by the Tweep.

Since then, I have ticked off that item from my list and forgiven the hacker. I also pray that it does not happen again and affirm that All Is Well.

I have taken control of my situation and am doing what is required to keep myself and restore the sanctity of my website/blog.

On a Good Friday afternoon, I started to reflect on what had happened and remembered a book I had read by Johann Christoph Arnold about a year ago titled ‘Why Forgive?’.

The book makes a lot more sense now. Whether it is how I felt or how any reader who has ever found themselves in a place where they have to forgive a wrong done to them.

What Forgiving has taught me

By forgiving, I have opened the door to peace and can focus on things and people that matter more to me. I have time to be grateful for the friends and colleagues who helped me, the internet friends who shared their stories and gave me priceless tips.

In forgiving, we are not belittling the hurt and pain that has been inflicted on us. Rather, we are shielding ourselves from being drawn into the dark place where bitterness resides.

It allows us to acknowledge and accept the fact that a wrong has been done to us without the need to retaliate or take out our frustrations on other people.

We rise above ourselves and from a place of objectivity, try to restore what is ours and if it cannot be restored, then accept and move on.

We also take the first step to healing.

Such is the power of forgiving.

It is easy, so very easy to give in to bitterness. Maintain a calm countenance and then let a small unrelated incident make us erupt like a volcano.

If we get away with it because family and friends understand, we might fall into the false sense that we can get away with it as and when we please.

It would not be too long before we would spiral into self-destructive behavior instead of stopping to smell the flowers and count the things that are good in life.

There may also be moments when our anger turns inwards on ourselves with the mind- game of reruns of how we allowed ourselves to be hurt.  When these thoughts start to invade, forgive yourself.

Use an affirmation that acknowledges that you have been hurt and proceed to forgive the perpetrator of the hurt and yourself. It does not have to be very complicated. Just a simple “In forgiving you, I forgive myself” can also work.

The book I referred to has a passage where it quotes the Gospel and the Sermon on the Mount where Jesus Christ says to bless our enemies and those who persecute us.  Who does not remember the famous words– “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do”?

From a coaching perspective, my suggestion is to focus on those actions that are in your control. If it is anger or frustration at events or people, then acknowledge your hurt or pain and take the steps within your control to protect yourself. Use the powerful tool of forgiveness to retain your dignity and control of your life.

Emotional Intelligence and Forgiving

Nowadays Emotional Intelligence is being valued as much if not higher than knowledge, skills or even IQ.  People with high Emotional Intelligence have certain traits and skills.

One’s social skills are important and the level of competence in this affects our level of Emotional Intelligence.

Forgiveness is one such social skill the lack of which, as pointed out by psychologists is an indication of low Emotional Intelligence.

Forgiveness is not only good for your health but it also helps us to avoid release frustration, anger and resentment. Internalize these and I can guarantee your blood pressure will shoot up which is definitely not good for your heart.

The way I see it, having high Emotional Intelligence helps us to forgive easily BUT, when we learn to forgive, we raise our EI too!

It comes down to the first quadrant of Daniel Coleman’s Emotional Intelligence Model – Self Awareness that I showed in my post on empathy and EI.

Self-Awareness starts with knowing yourself and the triggers that lead to an action or reaction.

Coming back to my story, it meant I accepted and acknowledged that I had been hurt. I even gave myself permission to cry and feel my pain and shock at the sight of a messed-up website.

Once the emotions were out of the way, I accepted the situation and explored how I wanted to deal with it.

I knew I had a choice. I could have shut down the website and wallowed in misery. Or I could choose to clear myself of resentment and anger at an unknown person or persons by forgiving them. And do what was required to bring my website back in order.

The deed was done and even though I chose the latter course of action, it was not easy working once again with my website developer to fix things and then employing another expert to check for back-doors and plug potential loopholes while also servicing clients and a workshop that I was running at the time.

It wasn’t just the unnecessary expenditure but the time crunch and having to wear a hat that I need not have but for this event that.

I later learned it was part of a brute force attack at the time and I wasn’t the only person who got affected.

Yet something good came out of this harrowing experience.

I developed empathy for other business owners who in later years have had similar experiences. The experience put me in a position to help them cope with the indignation and outrage they were experiencing. Nobody likes the desecration of their online home where visitors are welcome but not intruders who mess up the home.

Forgiving helps lessen the impact of the action that has hurt us enabling us to move ahead.

We never forget what happened, but we remember it as a simple chapter in our life as we write new and better chapters.

Have you ever needed to forgive someone you did not know but who had caused you pain?

How did you cope with it? Did you demonstrate emotionally intelligent traits?

Additional Resources for embracing Forgiveness and Self-Awareness

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The book ‘Why Forgive?‘ by the famous author Johann Christoph Arnold is available on Amazon in both paper back and Kindle form. The edition that I am referring to is 2009 which has since been updated in May 2014. I’m providing a preview below of this must read book. Please remember to view my Privacy Policy should you choose to purchase this book.

Written by: Vatsala Shukla

Those of us who have lived in fear of terrorist attacks will empathize with the people of France. Especially with Parisians because we know the feeling firsthand.

We know that life changes and a fear sets in that when we step out of the house to go to the market or for an evening outing, anything can happen. When we see the police barricades on the road, a bunch of similar colored vehicles parked on the side and police officers checking the papers, we know that Intelligence has sounded an alert.

Cities that have witnessed serial bomb blasts and terrorist activity in India turn into high security zones during Independence Day and major festive holidays.

After 8 years, one is immune to the sight of police and army on the streets and the announcements in newspapers and television about staying secure and who to call if one sees a suspicious package. We are always on alert.

After 26/11, I feel more comfortable having my car checked when I go to a mall or a hotel. I don’t mind waiting a few minutes while the bonnet and back of my car are checked and even under the chassis. Driving at a snail pace through police barricades doesn’t irritate me because it means that there has been an intelligence alert. Someone is doing their job to keep me safe and alive.

But when one gets news of a terrorist attack even if it is thousands of miles away in another country, the memories that we push to the back of our minds to enable us to live in an Ordinary World resurface.

Ordinary Days that turned Nightmares

Delhi is no stranger to terrorist activities. I still recall the attack on the Indian Parliament in on 13 December 2001 and the sense of indignation that the symbol of democracy and sovereignty of India had been attacked. I saluted the people who died trying to protect the building and the country’s elected representatives in Parliament.

We demonstrated and showed determination to live normal lives.

I remember the 2005 Delhi serial bomb blasts and shudder when I recall that we were watching a comedy play at a famous venue just a few short kilometers away from one of blast locations. Incidentally it was my favorite shopping place way back in the mid-80s and a well-known Delhi haunt which was busy with shoppers because Diwali was around the corner. Our first inkling that something was amiss was when we were driving home and saw the lots of policemen on the streets. Imagine our horror when we reached home and saw the news.

I remember the serial blasts in Delhi in on 13 September 2008 and then again 2 weeks later. That evening we had 2 important art show engagements in 2 different parts of the city. About an hour before we were supposed to leave the house, my back started hurting and I had to lie down. I couldn’t move.

I told my mother to take a cab and attend both functions. She refused because her heart told her she needed to be with me. After settling me on the sofa, she went to the market to quickly pick up the clothes she had given to the dry cleaners.

I turned on the television and the news made me go cold.

Serial bomb blasts had taken place and 2 of the locations were near to the venues where we had to go. I called my mother on the mobile and told her to come home immediately. By the time she got back, another 2 blasts had taken place and Delhi was on high alert as were other major cities.

The strange thing is that once the blasts were over, my back returned to normal. My mother considers it Divine Intervention to make sure that we didn’t go out that evening. I think she may be right.

One of my friends told me how her brother had a morning client meeting at one of the Twin Towers on the fateful day that history remembers as 9/11. The meeting was suddenly cancelled minutes before he was supposed to leave, and he escaped a horrific death.

I remember the night of 26/11. As is our habit, we put on the television to check the news and there was nothing exciting going on and we went to bed. We awoke the next morning to find 3 days of terrorism had been unleashed on Mumbai. One of the victims was killed in her hotel room at the famous Taj Mahal Palace Hotel by the terrorists and was known to my parents. It tore at the core of our heart.

Each of the major cities in India has witnessed serial bomb blasts in the last 2 decades and it doesn’t matter which city is attacked. It cuts to the core of one’s Soul because the heart feels pain.

Friday, 13^th November 2015 was also an ordinary evening. As ordinary as the night of 26/11 or the morning of 9/11 before history changing events unfolded.

The week had been one of festivities starting with Dhanteras on Monday and Diwali on Wednesday. In fact the 13^th was another Hindu festival – Bhai Dooj. An uneventful day and an uneventful evening while I worked on my new Kindle book on Wakeup Calls, determined to complete it over the weekend. I also engaged in a bit of banter on Facebook between friends and in the Groups that I participate.

I still remember chatting with my friend Roslyn about some more comments that I needed to respond to at my guest blog post on her website that week. We joked about Jason from the movie Friday the 13^th. Shortly afterwards, I went offline and to bed. I woke to the frightening news the next day.

The rest is history as news channels and the internet covered the incident in Paris the night before. Such was the power of the event that many people did not realize of a similar attack in Lebanon the day before.

Where do we go from here?

Frankly speaking, I have no idea but I believe in the power of prayers and the Love of the Divine.

The politicians and heads of States will do what is required with military intervention. There will be bloodshed and fighting in the fight against terrorism.

The families who have lost their loved ones will grieve. The world will join in solidarity with posts on social media and vigils and then return to their lives. The families will be left to cope with their loss as they rebuild their lives which will never be the same again. If they are lucky, they will get grief counseling and support to move on.

Media will share stories until it is yesterday’s stale bread and move on to the next happening event.

We will forget until we are reminded again.

What I do know is that this is time to remember that the human spirit is resilient.

Some of may decide that prayer and forgiveness are the best way to cope with the incident.

Others may choose to defy terrorism by stepping out and going about their work every day. They will be alert but they will not allow heinous acts to make them cower with fear.

This is what the people of Mumbai, the commercial capital of India did in 1993 when a series of 13 bomb explosions on Friday, 12 March 1993 shook the city to its core starting with the first blast at the Mumbai Stock Exchange.

The coordinated attacks were the most destructive bomb explosions in Indian history and the first of its kind serial-bomb-blasts across the world. There were 357 fatalities and 717 injuries.

What I remember with pride is that the people of Mumbai showed up the next day going to work. While there was much rebuilding of the city required and care for the injured and helping the innocent people who had lost members of their families, the spirit of Resilience showed.

There was no Facebook or Twitter in those days. So, there was no coloring the profile picture with the colors of the Indian flag or sharing breaking news with friends and followers. Media carried the stories and nations condemned this abominable act. It would be years before the masterminds were brought back to India and punished under the Indian legal system giving closure to those who had lost loved ones in the blasts.

People used telephones to contact each other and share the word that all was well.

In the new Millennium, we hold candlelight vigils near India Gate and condemn what has happened.

We use the power of social media to protest against the abuse of our human right to live in peace.

We remember we are a secular country and that terrorists who kill people in the name of God don’t look at the faith of the innocent person. For them it is a numbers game.

The best way forward is to show up every day, even when we are scared and frightened because true humanity wins the numbers game any day.

That is what we do when hit with serial bomb blasts in India and what Parisians will do once they come out of their 3 day national mourning.

And the world will join us in our vigil.  We need to keep the spirit of Resilience alive so that the tomorrows will be more peaceful than the today that has shaken us.

Update: This post was originally written in March 2013 and had a link referring to an article submitted by Vatsala Shukla to Ezine Articles. The original article received 3 prestigious citations and more resources on Forgiveness.

I’m a member of quite a few groups on both Facebook and LinkedIn where every now and then an empowered lady member refers to her own battle to overcome emotions and feelings of inadequacy created by loved and trusted ones and how she emerged to see the light of her own beautiful self.

It would not be presumptuous on my part to guess that each and every one of us has at some point of time had to face the pain and impact on our psyche caused by others where we had to deal with the gremlin without cutting off relationships or breaking ties with the pain giver.  This week, I’m bringing out an old post from my archives and sharing resources for readers who may be facing this situation in an attempt to help them move forward.

Background to my need to Forgive – big time

The early part of March 2013 was a nightmare.

My website joined the elite group of hacked websites and blogs. This hacking was extremely personal as the hacker went and changed wordings and links that had to do with me as a person. The hacker knew about Life Coaching. I ended up self-coaching myself with affirmations and stress management techniques that I usually teach to my clients!

But it was also a week where I found support and encouragement when I needed it.  My Gratitude Diary is filled up.

Colleagues whom I admire and who are also friends shared the fact that their websites too had been hacked at some point and understood my plight.

The bottom line?

I asked the Universe for help and guidance and the Universe provided tenfold. Gratitude and visualization do work!

It was also a week where a dream came true. I stepped out of my comfort zone and took a leap of faith which worked. My article was published in Ezine Articles and I share the article with you.

Do you need to forgive your loved ones for hurts that affect you in your adult life?

More often than not, there is a session in my Intuition Workshops where one of the participants will talk about the behavior of a relative or friend that brings out the worst in them and enforces the limiting belief of inadequacy or incompetence. This is usually followed by nodding heads across the room and more stories are shared.

We all have beliefs and thought patterns inside of us that our conscious thinking minds are even aware of. Some of these are inherent in our DNA while others are acquired and lie dormant in our sub-conscious mind yet affecting our behavior and reactions in many ways.

One of the most common sources of beliefs and patterns that we are conditioned to, start right in our childhood when parents, teachers or other adults teach us about right and wrong, good or bad. When it results in a positive attitude and a healthy approach to life, it is great but quite often the ones that we remember are the negative reinforcements and criticisms.

Some beliefs and thought patterns are taught to us directly by our parents and other adults by their repeatedly saying things to us like “That is not good enough” or comparing us with others and bringing out the fact that others are better than us. They may mean well, but that is not what happens!

The comparisons and hurtful words may have been spoken at a particular point in time and in a particular context which has long been forgotten but the sense of inferiority remains. In other cases, there has been emotional and other abuse which acts as a gremlin in our adult life and paralyzes us from moving forward.

Children are sensitive and do pick up the vibrations and unspoken body language. I would venture further and say that they absorb the energy in the auras of those who are stronger than them and the effects stay for a much longer time.

The same applies when we are dealing with people who are stronger than us and are able to influence us whether it is through domination or otherwise, until one fine day, as adults, we realize that we are hurting ourselves and feel the need to take back control of our lives and destiny.

Do Affirmations help to resolve self-doubt?

One can use affirmations and creative visualization to overcome self-doubt and find the inner resources to achieve goals but what if these affirmations do not work?

Affirmations are wonderful tools to instill confidence but if the root of the problem is deep and related to someone who is close to you or with whom you have regular and direct contact, whether a parent, sibling, teacher, boss, friend or someone who has influence over you, then no matter how many affirmations you may say, they will not work until you are able to silence that inner voice that says something to the contrary.

Your buttons will still be pushed and you will react rather than act. At the very best, you will be installing a counter belief but the limiting belief will still exist; you will achieve a neutral state but still find yourself swimming in a mental soup.

So, what should you do in such a case?

There is a technique that you can try without worrying about any side-effects which involves affirmations, forgiveness and your taking control of the situation.

The first step is to decide which limiting belief you wish to release yourself from and the perpetrator of that limiting belief.

Next, drink a glass of water visualizing that with each sip, you are cleansing yourself and preparing to take the required steps in a state of complete emotional calmness.

Then ground yourself using the technique of visualization. Perform this exercise seated on a chair with your back straight and feet flat on the floor or sit cross-legged on the floor with your back straight. Close your eyes and focus on your breathing.

Breathe in a normal fashion for a few seconds and then start your visualization breathing as follows:

Inhale deeply and visualize that you are inhaling white light smoke which is cleansing you of your negative feelings and beliefs. Visualize that it is going to the bottom of your stomach.

Then with every exhalation, visualize that this white light smoke has turned black and is carrying with it all the negative feelings that are inside your body.

Repeat this exercise for about a minute. Return slowly to consciousness by counting backwards from 10 to 1 and slowly open your eyes. You will feel balanced, rejuvenated and refreshed.

Once you feel that you are ready, say the following affirmation in a clear and strong voice:

“I accept that ______(name of person) has hurt me and I accept that I have allowed myself to be hurt. I forgive _________(name of person) and in the process I forgive myself. I now cut any and all psychic ties between ________(name of person) and myself. These ties are lovingly released, healed and sent into the Light and SO IT IS.”

Acknowledging that you have allowed the other person to hurt you returns control of the situation to you. By forgiving the person, you are letting go of the grudge and allowing yourself to be forgiven. In the open and sacred place created, you let go of any remaining remnants to be neutralized by Love and Light. While one cannot erase memories, one can remember them with neutrality, or at least take the sting out of them.

The best part about this technique is that you can do it on a daily basis as well as to heal past hurts. From experience I have noticed that something amazing does happen and interactions with the people for whom we use this technique actually improve.

Is it releasing Love into the Universe or releasing ourselves from our limiting beliefs and fears? It could be both. What I do know is that it works.

When we take back control, it reflects in our self-esteem, attitudes and perceptions and that is all that is needed to change the world for ourselves. It can take time, but the first step begins within us.

Have you ever had to apply the art of forgiveness to move forward? I’d love to read about your experience and tips that you can share with other readers who may need to know that forgiveness is possible.

Additional Resources on Forgiveness:

This post would be incomplete if I did not share additional resources that I have written or shared in the past on the topic of Forgiveness.

 When Forgiving Helps to Heal and Improves Emotional Intelligence

Instead of Stoking the Flames of Resentment, Forgive by Vatsala Shukla

     Why Forgive? By Johann Christoph Arnold

PS. The book Why Forgive is suggested reading because I enjoyed and benefited from it. Please read my Privacy Policy (link in the footer of the website page) before considering your decision to read or purchase this book.