Resources Mentioned in video:

Developing Self Awareness Bundle 

Emotional Intelligence: you need to apply authentic kind of Empathy

The Effects of Emotional Intelligence on Productivity

References:

Holtz, O. (2020). Virtual Team Functioning: Modeling the Affective and Cognitive Effects of an Emotional Management Intervention. Group Dynamics, 24(3), 153–167.

Gabriel, K. (2020). Are Coworkers Getting Into the Act? An Examination of Emotion Regulation in Coworker Exchanges. Journal of Applied Psychology, 105(8), 907–929.

Prefer to Read? Here’s the full transcript

As more studies show Emotional Intelligence improves employee productivity and job performance, it becomes a more coveted skill in the office and one that every serious professional needs to develop.

So, first things first, let us quickly recap.

What is Emotional Intelligence?

A quick definition is that Emotional intelligence is when you can understand the emotions of yourself and others and manage your own feelings well. It shows a balance between intelligence and self-awareness.

I go into great depth in this in one of my blog posts on emotional intelligence and being able to apply authentic kind of empathy.

But in a nutshell, these are the four categories where your emotional intelligence will be assessed.

So let us quickly go through this before we get into the tips.

4 categories of Emotional Intelligence

First one is Self-Management where you are able to think clearly in situations where you feel stressed, anxious, or angry. And Self-Management indicates being able to separate yourself and how you should act from your emotions.

In other words, for example, even if you are really irritated by a co-worker, you somehow manage to count to ten if necessary, and you give a calm response rather than screaming and shouting even if that is what you want to do.

Self-Awareness. This is going to help you to change negative habits, thoughts, or behavior. And when you have a high level of self-awareness, you can recognize how your beliefs and emotions affect your thoughts and behavior.

Then we have Social Awareness. Now this, one way of looking at this is your ability to “read the room.” You can understand what others need to feel comfortable, as well as see social dynamics at play.

Social Awareness indicates how well you pick up on social cues or needs. One way of looking at it is, when you walk into a room can you pick up the ambiance over there? Is it stressed or tense?

Many people say that is having empathy or even psychic abilities at some point, but the thing is, you’re aware enough to understand what’s going on even if nothing is being said.

And then there is Relationship Management where you manage conflict well, you work well with others, and you develop positive relationships overall. And, the best part is, relational management indicates good interpersonal skills and that is something you really do need if you wish to climb the corporate ladder.

Emotional Management Affects Productivity

So, before we get into the tips, let’s also look at some of the evidence about how Emotional Management is affecting productivity.

The Effects of Emotional Intelligence on Productivity (2018)

There is a thesis paper called The Effects of Emotional Intelligence on Productivity and I’ll share a link to see the study later.

But essentials of that study were that emotional intelligence is becoming an essential area of study to determine a person’s potential for overall success as well as success in the workplace.

And it also pointed out that although non cognitive skills are not always a factor that leaders use in determining workplace efficiency, but those skills can impact productivity.

Now this was a study done, it was a single case study in order to explore the impact of these non-cognitive skills and the perception administrators and employees have regarding skills that are critical to their jobs and work performance.

The conceptual framework that was used for this study was that of emotional intelligence theory authored by Daniel Goleman in 1995, which studied personality qualities.

The focus of this study comprised of 6 skills: communication, self-confidence, teamwork, work ethics, problem-solving ability, and leadership.

Several patterns and themes emerged relating to the effects of emotional intelligence on job performance and productivity. In fact, the findings from this study can impact future of non-cognitive skills in the work environment and could positively impact social change.

Organizational leaders could use the results to develop strategies that would enhance their decision-making process and develop tools to promote employee production and productivity.

Increases team cohesion

From there, there was another study done by the University of Valencia in Spain which demonstrated that increased team cohesion happened when there is emotional intelligence amongst the participants because of the synergy effect. This produces enhanced team task performance and has a positive effect on the motivational processes within the team, thus leading to more team engagement. In other words, a team can do better than as expected.

Improves co-worker relationships

It also improves co-worker relationships. Now there is another study which was done in 2020 which focused on the role of emotional regulation in exchanges between co-workers. And there, of course where deep actors refer to employees who “are driven to regulate their emotions with co-workers for pro social reasons”.

And the employees who were able to do that have the ability to build strong relationships with their co-workers and that in effect demonstrates benefits in productivity.

Conclusions from studies on workplace Emotional Intelligence

So the conclusions that I’d like to quickly sum up from these studies is that firstly,

Emotional intelligence is an asset.

The studies have shown that emotional intelligence training improved employee productivity. And that people who are emotionally intelligent can come up with solutions from a holistic perspective.

So now, are you interested in improving your emotional intelligence so that you can excel at work?

Good. Here are my tips.

Tips to build your Emotional Intelligence

The first one is Practice Self-Awareness and here are four ideas that you can use.

You can do reflections in journals. You can also notice when you react to something on autopilot. Think about the feedback you receive and practice seeing things from other people’s point of view too, not just your own.

Following from the self-awareness, learn to receive criticism with grace and use criticism as an opportunity to learn and grow.

You should also likewise see conflict as an opportunity to learn and understand more about others because conflict is going to happen, whether you like it or not. Whenever you have two people there will be, many times differences of opinion and it all comes down to who is able to handle it better and stay in control.

And then of course, learning to “read the room.”

Now here’s some tips for you.

How well do you pick up on the feelings of people around you? It’s the same thing I said when you walk into the room can you pick up a sense of what’s going on and from there do you know who to go to when you need a solution?

And what “unwritten rules” do people follow at your workplace?

Being able to read the room positions you as a change maker. So, it’s in your interest to start observing people and also assessing how they react so that you can come across better.

And then, learn to listen to others. Don’t do all the talking yourself. Make space for others as well. And in meetings many times people think that oh you know, if they hog all the talk time they are going to come across as you know being very intelligent. That’s not quite true.

You should try to listen in meetings and make an effort to ask people what they think. That’s what emotional intelligence is about – you also care about others.

But that of course doesn’t mean that you don’t speak up and express yourself. Do not be afraid to pitch your out-of-the-box ideas or make sure your opinions get heard!

We’re not saying just listen and keep quiet. We’re saying listen and also speak up.

And work to people’s strengths. Now you will have lots of people with different strengths and different kinds of talents. They may also have shortcomings. You have to learn to be flexible to the different types of people who make up your team.

And, to position yourself as a really good candidate for a further leadership role learn to create an environment for each person to thrive, be engaged and innovative. Because in today’s modern times, a leader is as good as his people are.

And the first step of course is to develop your self-awareness and I’ve got a simple self-study bundle where there’s an eBook with developing your self-awareness guide as well as the workbook where you can note down your findings and I encourage you to download it.

Final Words

So, my final words on the topic are that people with higher emotional intelligence have an easier time managing their stress levels, building better relationships, and reading the room.

Prowess in managing your own stress levels means that you can calmly lead a team through high-stress situations. That’s what influential leaders do. When you build better relationships it can help keep your team members engaged and motivated. And when they are motivated, they work better. They are more productive.

And being able to read the room means that you can know the right person to approach when you’re tackling a problem, or you learn to take action when you notice that a colleague feeling stressed. You know exactly when to step in before things spiral out of control.

So, I suggest that you try these suggestions for size and then let me know. And as a parting question, wouldn’t life be great with effortless stress management, better relationships, and being able to “read the room”?

Especially if it helps you improve your productivity as well as that of others in your workplace.

Resource in video blog and additional reading

Conflict Resolution requires you know how to handle Strong Emotions

Emotional Intelligence: You need to apply authentic kind of Empathy

Free Having Tough Conversations Tips Report

Transcript: Handling Personality Conflicts in the Workplace

Personality conflicts are bound to happen even in the best of teams. But it doesn’t mean that it cannot be handled with grace and ease.

Now, just as we have five fingers on our hand and each finger is different, so too are co-workers in the modern workplace different.

We all have different skills, talents and even shortcomings. The multi-location co-workers would also have different cultural, educational and geographic backgrounds which can at times create a bit of tension.

We all have our own unique way of working and even then, a diverse and inclusive workplace can actually improve the bottom line and can be a blessing.

But it can also be a headache when there is a clash of personalities or working style.

For example, say you’ve got a colleague who loves to interrupt whenever you are speaking at a meeting. And in the beginning, you may think that okay you know, the person may have accidentally done it and hasn’t realized that you haven’t yet completed making your point.

But if it happens more than a few times you might start getting irritated and you may just realize that, you know, you’re having an issue with this person. You know what is the worst part?  Sometimes the other person who’s interrupting you doesn’t even realize that they’re creating a problem!

Now, has this ever happened to you?

Think back about it and I’m sure that you would find that there are people who sometimes do end up irritating you even if they don’t mean to in the workplace.

In fact, according to the Workplace Conflict Statistics 49% of workplace conflict happens as a result of personality clashes and egos. And that is an issue that really does need to be resolved.

Defining Personality

But first before we go into the How part of it let us look at a definition of personality. I’ve actually got 2 for you.

The first one is straight out of the Enclyopedia of Britannica where, they’re looking at it as a psychological concept and two main meanings have evolved in there.

The first is that consistent differences that exist between people, which in a sense, is a study of the personality and is focusing on classifying and explaining relatively stable human psychological characteristics.

And the second meaning is that these qualities that make all people alike and that distinguish psychological man from other species. In other words, it directs the personality theorist to search for those regularities among all people that define the nature of man as well as the factors that influence the course of lives.

Now these are really quite complex definitions, especially if you’re not a psychologist. So let us go with one which is easier, and which is more relevant to us.

And that is one from Kendra Cherry and Steven Gans, MD, where they said that “personality is made up of the characteristic patterns of thoughts, feelings, and behaviours that make a person unique. In addition to this, personality arises from within the individual and remains fairly consistent throughout life.”

The point to note is, that they’re talking about it is a consistent behaviour.

General Principles while handling Personality Clashes at Work

So, if you’re going to try to deal with personality conflicts in the workplace and get them resolved, here are some general principles to consider.

Instead of trying to change others, try and understand the other person and build on our relationships with them. And here’s the thing.

You need to demonstrate Emotional Intelligence which helps you to also further show you’ve got Executive Presence. And here we’re talking about Social Awareness and Relationship Management. They ensure that your efforts get noticed and position you for potential leadership roles.

Another thing I’d like to say is that instead of thinking of it as a personality clash; why not think of it as a relationship problem and then try to solve it because there’s always a solution to every problem.

Going further into our General Principles, I suggest the following steps.

Firstly, examine your own part in a situation. Acknowledge your contribution to the situation. Are you doing something which might be agitating the other person to behave in a particular manner?

Develop compassion which means trying to see it from the other person’s point of view also. Another emotional intelligence step is to use perceptions (perceptual positions) an NLP technique.

Also think positive and focus on their strong points and workplace contribution. You know, when you can think something positive it can sometimes make the negative part a little easier to handle.

Practice active listening and listen closely to what the other person is saying. Maybe they know something you need to know too. Ask them to discuss your differences and work on solutions together. It can be difficult sometimes to have challenging conversations, but it is worth it.

And reach out. In other words, talk to them. Sometimes you know, sending emails or talking on the phone is not enough. Try, if it is possible to meet them face-to-face. It helps to resolve issues easier.

Set boundaries.  In other words, if there is some behaviour which is not acceptable, let them know that it is not acceptable. Don’t allow them to build on it.

You can also ask for help or mediation. If you cannot do it yourself, ask your boss or even ask Human Resources to step in.

Recognize other issues. And more importantly as a potential leader or as a leader recognize that there may be other issues and take a different approach. It may not actually even be a personality! You know when you have people from different disciplines working in a team sometimes, they know things that you may not know, or they may raise issues that need to be resolved first if you want a successful project completion.

Specific examples for handling Personality Clashes

Now let’s take a look at some specific examples.

The first one is to be humble

Now how do you deal with a coworker who thinks they know it all? You need to keep in mind that they may be trying to compensate for their own insecurity. So, avoid being drawn into an argument and be firm if you want to discourage unsolicited input.

I’ve seen this happen many times even with my clients as well as during my own working life that there would always be an annoying know it all who wanted to be seen, wanted to be visible and used to be a nuisance. Handling them helped get issues resolved.

Stay on schedule

Now a colleague who misses deadlines and arrives late can hold up the whole team. So let them know how their actions affect others and set interim deadlines to help keep your projects on track.

Avoid griping

What happens when a little venting turns into chronic complaining? You may be able to help a coworker who tends to see themselves as a victim. But be careful.

Try to validate their feelings while also encouraging them to take responsibility for their actions and focus on solutions. This is what usually happens when people are not able to resolve something. And instead of trying to solve the thing or have an out of box solution and trying to implement it, they try to go into victim mode and put the blame on others.

Reduce the drama!

The other one is reducing the drama. Now maybe you find emotional swings and intense emotional displays a bit unsettling. We all have a Drama King or Queen in the office, and we need to know how to handle them.

But if your office is starting to feel like an opera company, then please take a deep breath and maintain a calm demeanor. Be part of the solution, not part of the catalyst to create even more aggravation.

Lighten up

And then lighten up. Now this is what I always tell people who are being micromanaged. It is, it does feel a little weird. It’s normal to feel undermined but it usually says more about your supervisor than it does about you.

And one tip that I have found that usually helps with these micromanagers is to actually give them detailed updates earlier on in order to ease any concerns that they may have.

Now coming back to something that I had mentioned earlier about having conversations and reaching out,

I have an extra resource which is free and that is Having Tough Conversations Tips Report. I invite you to download it. It’s for free and it will help you, give you some kind of guidance if you do find yourself having to have difficult conversations with emotional colleagues who are just unable to listen to you and at least try to get yourself heard.

Final Words of Advice

So my final words of advice are that conflicts are natural when you’re spending 40 plus hours or more a week with someone you might not choose for a friend outside of the workplace.

Knowing how to handle personality conflicts at work will help you to increase cooperation and reduce misunderstandings.

Think of it more as a relationship issue rather than as a personality conflict and reframe it from that vantage point. You might find better solutions.

And lastly download the Having Tough Conversations Tips Report to support your efforts in Relation Management.

So that’s all from me. I’m Vatsala Shukla from Karmic Ally Coaching signing off. Let’s go and make stronger relationships and avoid personality clashes in the workplace. Bye for now.

Gender Parity in the workplace isn’t a new topic. It’s a global issue that’s become even more visible in the post-pandemic world.

Prime Minister Narendra Modi spoke about it in his Independence Day speech in 2022. He reiterated the point about his vision for more women in the workplace. This is a sign that the disparity has been noticed.

In fact, at 25%, India has among the lowest female labour force participation (LPR) rates among its emerging market peers.

Another study highlights the significant pay difference between males and females who are engaged in similar kinds of jobs.

That study also states that the low female LFPR can be attributed to various factors like obligations towards the performance of domestic duties, conservative social norms, and lack of flexible work models.

It is also observed that household constraints trump financial need and individual preferences for job choice among women.

There can also be employer gender bias

I recall being invited for a job interview at a German multi-national for a senior finance position. My interviewer made it a point to talk about marital status. He told me they didn’t hire women engineers at entry level because these professionals tended to quit after getting married.

I doubt this company could have done that in Germany but this conversation has stayed in my mind for its lack of political correctness.

The world has changed a lot in the last 17 years. This company now states its commitment to Diversity, Equity and Inclusion. I’m sure it also recognizes the issue as a leadership challenge.

COVID-19 Pandemic severely exacerbated existing gendered barriers, widened India’s gender gap in the workforce, and affected (overwhelmingly female) caregivers and frontline workers.

Survey Findings of Impact of Pandemic on Women in July 2021 revealed that women made up just 24% of those working before the pandemic. Yet they accounted for 28% of all those who lost their jobs. Women also constitute 43% of those who are yet to recover their paid work.

Now with Modi taking a stand for women, there is hope because we continue to see his commitment to the cause even in 2024.

The COVID-19 and post-pandemic hybrid work models could become game-changers for many women – offering flexible and more innovative work options with increasingly empathetic work cultures.

Such new work models may improve gender diversity at work, in traditional organizations as well as in the gig economy.

Women face challenges in the workplace globally

This issue is not isolated to only Third World countries or emerging markets.

The problems exist in other countries too, as recorded by PWC in their report Women in Work 2021 which reviewed the impact of COVID-19 on women in work.

The recommendations in that report about policy responses to support economic recovery from COVID-19 need to specifically address the impacts of the pandemic on women.

According to the latest Women in the Workplace Study by McKinsey & Company in 2021, women are more burned out now than they were a year earlier.

It’s a matter of concern that as a result of the pandemic, one in three women has considered leaving the workforce or down shifting their career. This is a significant increase from the one in four in the first few months of the pandemic.

Additionally, 4 in 10 women have considered leaving their company or switching jobs—and high employee turnover in recent months suggests that many of them are following through.

Update February 2024 – Proposed World Bank Gender Strategy.

The formal consultation process on the draft Gender Strategy 2024-30 is closed. A new strategy will be formally launched in 2024.

As their brief affirms, Gender Equality is an urgent imperative.

The brief recognizes the fundamental human right of gender equality for all people, a matter of fairness and justice. It is a foundation for a peaceful and prosperous world and essential for development.

It also acknowledges that achieving gender equality is uniquely challenging and complex.

The WB Gender Strategy 2024-30 proposes a focus on innovation, financing, and collective action to end gender-based violence, elevate human capital, expand and enable economic opportunities, and engage women as leaders.

How can women help improve this situation?

While the policy makers and industry figure out a viable solution, women can do their bit and more.

In my post on champions and sponsors for women in the workplace, I shared quite a few stories where champions had helped raise the profile of women professionals mentoring them to achieve their potential.

In the post-pandemic world, women can support other female co-workers at work.

This is one way to protect gender equity and help women deal with growing challenges.

Many female employees are facing financial insecurity, along with increased burdens on parents and caregivers.

Without additional resources, it’s easy to burn out.

Try these practical strategies for bonding and collaborating with other women.

Cultivate Relationships

A study by Harvard Business Review found that both male and female executives were likely to have a diverse network of well-connected peers.

However, women seeking greater authority and higher pay also needed an inner circle of close female contacts.

Use your skill of Emotional Intelligence to create a difference.

Keep these strategies in mind:

1. Focus on giving. Professional networks and personal friendships depend on helping others. Reach out and share your time and expertise. Perform random acts of kindness and build mutual support.
2. Be selective. The quality of your friendships matters more than the quantity. Find other women who share your values and interests. Move on if someone consistently turns down your invitations to get together or fails to respect your boundaries.
3. Pace yourself. Healthy reciprocal relationships take time to blossom. Be patient. Get to know each other gradually.
4. Have fun. Friends see each other outside of the office and talk about stuff besides spreadsheets and coding. Host parties and organize outings.

Encourage Work-Life Balance

Women continue to bear responsibility for the majority of work at home. The American Psychological Association warns that this causes stress and other health issues and lowers productivity.

Try these techniques to enhance work-life balance:

1. Suggest flexible hours. One upside of the pandemic has been a big increase in the opportunities for remote work. Maybe supervisors at your company are willing to experiment with alternative schedules as long as employees complete their responsibilities.
2. Examine benefits. Let your employer know what perks matter to you and other women in your office. Maybe you’d rather have gym memberships instead of bean bag chairs and coffee machines.
3. Review workloads. Are your performance reviews based on realistic expectations? Discuss the situation with your colleagues to see if adjustments are needed.
4. Take time off. Research shows that excessive overtime and unused vacation days actually lower productivity. Set an example by leaving the office at a reasonable hour. Take advantage of your annual leave.

Develop Leadership Skills

Women at the top are struggling too. The McKinsey report also describes Onlys: women who are the only or one of the only women at their level in the workplace.

They’re more likely to feel pressure to work more and face a variety of microaggressions.

These strategies can help:

1. Support mentoring. Depending on what stage your career is at, you can look for a mentor or become one yourself. You might even do both. These relationships provide guidance and build community.
2. Advocate for others. Unfortunately, there’s some truth in The Devil Wears Prada kind of stereotypes. Even if your company culture tolerates bullying other women, break the cycle. Have the courage and compassion to provide constructive feedback. Help other women advance in their careers.
3. Network with women. Join a professional group for women or start one of your own. Mingle with other women when you attend conferences and follow up with interesting acquaintances.
4. Make referrals. One of the most effective ways to help other women is to make introductions and referrals. Bring others together to find new partners, clients, and friends.

One woman’s success can benefit others too. It’s up to you to do your bit to create an environment that maximizes and celebrates each other’s accomplishments.

Do strong emotions affect the way you manage conflicts whether in the workplace or at home?

If you nodded in agreement, then take heart.

Even for the most seasoned pros, resolving conflict can still bring up some powerful emotions.

Have you ever wondered why this happens and how you can avoid getting sucker-punched by your feelings while you are trying to fix a tricky situation?

Hi, I’m Vatsala Shukla, Chief Encouragement Officer at Karmic Ally Coaching. In this presentation, I’ll be discussing how to manage strong emotions when dealing with conflict.

Your composure or lack of it impacts people’s perception of your having Gravitas and a level of Emotional Intelligence. These in turn impact how others perceive your Executive Presence.

Strong Emotions & Conflict Resolution: Prefer to read? Here’s the transcript

Conflicts inherently come from an emotional place. It is vital you practice self-awareness, know how to control your feelings and resolve them successfully.

Understanding Conflict

To begin with, let us try to understand conflict is.

Conflicts come from differences between two or more people. You may disagree over goals, perceptions, needs, ideas, or values, and this rift triggers an emotional response because the other person is threatening something we hold very dear to us.

It may not even be the differing ideas or goals that are the real source of the problem; instead, it is about what these differences mean to having your need for safety, understanding, respect, acceptance, or another emotional requirement fulfilled.

These unmet needs are the real source of conflict, and because they are connected to our emotional health, we feel them very strongly when they are under threat.

The most common emotions that are activated during a conflict are anger and fear, which can manifest in many different ways.

It could be your body language sending out combat signals, that knee jerk email that you can’t recall. Or even shouting at the other person which goes against you even though you may be right about the issue. Think about it. Has this ever happened to you?

When you’re in the middle of a conflict, it’s common to automatically enter into a “fight or flight” mentality.

You experience an adrenalin rush. If you’re not able to control it or aren’t aware of what’s happening to you, you end up reacting rather than responding in an emotionally intelligent manner.

So let’s first understand and then manage our emotions during conflict.

Understanding and Managing Emotions during Conflict

In my blog post Conflict Management can be easy and without losing one’s mind, I recommended focusing on the issue.

It’s easier said than done when our emotions come into the picture.

One of the most important steps in managing your emotions to resolve a conflict is first identifying them and understanding their source.

Getting in touch with your anger or fear (or sadness or whatever else you are feeling) is vital.

Until you know what you are feeling and why, you cannot possibly hope to get your feelings under control. Doing this outside of the conflict situation is imperative.

You cannot rationally discuss a problem with someone else while simultaneously trying to work out why you are feeling the way you do.

It is also helpful to look at how this emotion has influenced you in the past, and if those actions were productive.

When you’ve been angry before, did you lash out physically or use your words to demean someone else?

What were the consequences of your hostile actions, and why would you have or rather what would you have done differently?

Recognizing the emotions of the other person’s also essential. Why do they feel the way they do, and how are their emotions influencing their actions?

Use the exercise of perceptual positions to get a feel of the other person’s point of view. And above all, don’t let your emotions feed the other person’s emotions. Maintain composure and don’t allow the other person know how you’re getting upset.

This will help you to find a win-win solution.

Understand your Emotional Buttons

Understanding your emotional “buttons” is crucial to making sure that your emotions do not take over when you are trying to resolve your problem.

What are the issues, comments, or actions that are most likely to make you upset or feel frustrated? When you hear or see these things, what can you do instead to minimize your emotional response to them?

Once you know your trigger points, it’s easier to manage your response to them and not feel blindsided when they come up during conflict.

In fact, I usually ask my clients about the trigger points when they mention that they got upset or they lost their cool. And normally, it turns out that there is something else going on in the background.

Acknowledge and Label your Feelings

I recommend that you acknowledge and label your feelings.

And this comes from Susan David, who’s the author of Emotional Agility, who points out that when you’re feeling emotional, the attention you give your thoughts and feelings crowd your mind and there’s no room to examine them. And you have to distance yourself from the feeling and label it. Call a thought a thought and an emotion an emotion.

You see, labelling allows you to see your thoughts and feelings for what they are: the transient sources of data that may or may not prove helpful. And when  you put that space between these emotions and you, it’s easier to let them go — and not bury them or let them explode.

What’s Your physical response?

Becoming more aware of your physical response to emotions can also help you get a handle on them in times of stress. When you are upset or angry, what happens to your pulse? How does your stomach feel? What sensations do you notice in other parts of your body?

The more you are aware of these responses, the better you will be able to recognize them as they are starting to build up rather than waiting until you are in full-blown reaction to begin to de-escalate.

Other ideas to handle strong Emotions

I have some other ideas that can help you to handle strong emotions. Mindfulness and breathing strategies can help to calm you when your emotional response kicks in.

You can use the power of mantras or affirmations to calm yourself down. You can try saying ‘all is well’ or ‘this is not me/ about me’. Or anything else that can help you to calm down in the moment. You can also try tapping your collar bone just below the neck to release any pent up emotion.

Learning how to talk about your feelings and the unmet needs can help you to resolve your problems.

And, without blaming, you should be able to express to the other person how their actions or beliefs are actually making you feel, and you should also practice listening to their responses, which can give insight into the situation.

If nothing else, request a break and stretch your body or simply stand up and walk a bit.

Another technique that I find works well is to touch each finger with the thumb until one feels calm. And this is one that I have actually tried before and I suggest it. Nobody would even know what’s going on.

Extra Resource: Having Tough Conversations Tipsheet

I have an extra resource that will help you, especially when you’re having tough conversations and can help you to avoid conflict. The link to my special report Having Tough Conversations is given below this video.

So having shared all of that, I’d like to leave you with a quote and a question.

The quote is from Frederick Lenz and it’s very true.

“Learn to control your emotions. Be able to glide through them. By practicing concentration exercises and meditation, you will find that when strong emotions strike, you will gain the ability to not be swayed by them.”

And overall, becoming more emotionally aware will help you avoid feeling ambushed by your feelings while also learning to channel them productively into finding a resolution to your source of conflict.

That’s all from me for now but I’d like to leave you with a question, for you to consider and perhaps even leave me with a reply.

That is, which tip will you apply first the next time you’re experiencing strong emotions during a conflict situation?

With that, I leave you to reflect on this question. I’m Vatsala Shukla from Karmic Ally Coaching signing off. Bye for now.

Every professional worth his or her salt knows that demonstrating Executive Presence is important for their career, especially if they are aiming at a Leadership position.

But what about toxic behaviour? Did you know that toxic behaviour can actually ruin your efforts to show Executive Presence?

Resources mentioned in video blog

Blog Post: How to Peacefully Handle Toxic People with Grace

Free Emotional Intelligence Traits Checklist

Course: Detox Your Toxic Workplace (click here or on the image below for details)

Update April 2024: This course is now available at Karmic Ally Coaching’s Success Solutions

Prefer reading about how Toxic behaviour ruins our Executive Presence? Transcript below:

Hi, I’m Vatsala Shukla, Chief Encouragement Officer at Karmic Ally Coaching and in this presentation, I want to discuss toxic behaviour and its impact on Executive Presence.

The topic came about while I was preparing my micro course on handling toxic workplace culture. And then it struck me that, what if, we ourselves are the toxic person in question.

But first things first, let’s have a look at something else.

And that is, a question about, what does executive presence mean to you?

Now the reason I’m asking this is I’m not looking for a textbook explanation or something you may have read in an article, but what does it actually mean to you?

And that it can mean different things to different people and it is quite a difficult concept to explain at times.

When I asked a couple of people what Executive Presence meant to them, I came up with a couple of answers and the 5 main ones were that they wanted to walk into a room and command attention.

In other words, command the place.

They wanted to be charming enough compared to others to compete with others for a prestigious promotion.

They wanted to demonstrate gravitas and wow people even if they didn’t know how to make it work. Or they wanted to impress with their expertise.

But most of them felt the following two. And that is, they wanted, desired more respect and they wanted to have their voice, recommendations and ideas heard and to be taken more seriously.

So that is fine. They understood what Executive Presence is.

But where do we go wrong in understanding Executive Presence?

It’s all about how you come across to others & present yourself.

Basically, Executive Presence is a soft skillset, it’s a behaviour or competency that a professional can develop provided they’re willing to put in consistent practice.

In other words, it’s not just for a presentation or for a meeting, but it has to be done consistently throughout.

And most importantly, it’s not about you!

It is about how those who you are presenting before or working with experience you. So, I also noticed there are certain behaviours which show that you do not have Executive Presence or that you are lacking in it which are also quite similar to toxic behaviour.

The 3 that I have identified are, that you speak too much and you dominate the conversation. Now it could be that you are eager to impress and you don’t realize that your behaviour may be seen as lacking Executive Presence.

You struggle to moderate your emotions or struggle to adjust to others’ emotions. In other words, your emotional intelligence is low.

And much worse, you are prone to outbursts and emotional outbursts will definitely make sure that nobody considers you for the next position.

Now here’s a short case study of my own

If you remember, in my blog post on How to Peacefully Handle Toxic People with Grace, I spoke about a new boss who had come in, who wanted his own team and he set about making sure that those of us who were still there had a hard time.

He wasn’t in the mood to fire but he definitely wanted us out.

And, apart from being a bully, his actions actually ruined the ambiance in the department and all of us who had been working quite well with each other suddenly became backstabbers and because our team actually interacted with people outside of the department, their activities were noticed by everyone.

Suddenly all of us started to lose what we had as Executive Presence.

The question is, how did we become so toxic?

The truth is we became fixated with the wishes of the boss.

We were under psychological distress and our organization didn’t bother to either acknowledge or address the powerful communicator and we continued that way.

Instead of focusing on the mission of the organization we started focusing on what the boss wanted so that we wouldn’t get targeted by this boss, who made sure that the targeting was done in open space.

Everything became urgent. In other words, we stopped looking at tasks or prioritizing them, looking at urgent and not urgent.

The Covey quadrant went out of the window, everything was urgent and our patience threshold started to decrease which meant we were all snappy at each other and cranky.

And we drove each other to exhaustion but we didn’t reach out for help because by that time we were completely intimidated by the behaviour of the boss.

The truth is, that, no one is born toxic. But toxicity not only hurts the other person but it also takes away a lot from us.

According to experts, stress and undue pressure inculcates this toxic side in people, who more often than not are not even aware of their toxic behaviours.

Maybe that was the situation with our boss also who had been brought in to achieve a certain goal and he needed to deliver. So toxic behaviour could be situational.

Now, coming back to you, do you think you’re toxic?

Here are 9 signs that I’d like you to consider and see if any of them resonates with you.

Firstly, you criticize others for no rhyme or reason and you blame them for delays or lapses.

You squeal about others to your boss in order to earn brownie points.

And this is something that happened to me with that same toxic boss because one of my assistants was so scared of losing his job he started speaking ill about me to the boss who was more than happy to get notes on what all I was upto whether it was true or false.

You start to look for the negative in every situation or proposal and beat down people if they come up with an idea.

You talk more than using the skill of active listening and you end up micro-managing your team and keeping checks on them. In other words, you don’t really let them function.

You’re so scared, you’re so stressed out that you don’t want a mistake so you don’t let them do their work.

You tend to react aggressively when someone confronts you and you insult others in public instead of having private conversations behind closed doors. In other words, you hit at the other person’s self-respect and self-esteem.

And you simply need to have the last word in any conversation or disagreement. That is the power of being or becoming toxic. So my question to you is

Considering what I’ve spoken about earlier, are you lacking Executive Presence or are you toxic?

And if you feel you have become toxic,

Here are the 3 steps that I can suggest to reclaim your Executive Presence and reduce that toxic behaviour.

Firstly, start with reviewing your behaviour and making the changes required.

You’ve already got 9 signs of toxic behaviour. You’ve got 3 places where people lack Executive Presence and show toxicity. Make the required changes.

Secondly, stop handing out permission slips to others who provoke your toxic reactions because it could be that you’re responding to them in the wrong way.

And thirdly, use the guidance and actions that I’ve put in my new course Detox Your Toxic Workplace.

This course will show you exactly what is toxic behaviour. It will help you identify and manage toxic relationships, a toxic boss and also toxic colleagues.

On top of it, I’ve also included certain other resources that will help you to build your resilience so that you stop being toxic and start focusing more on demonstrating true Executive Presence. As a final word,

I’d like to leave you with this beautiful quote from Osho which I think sums up what you really need to do and that is  to remain in the world, act in the world, do whatsoever is needful, and yet remain transcendental, aloof, detached, a lotus flower in the pond.

That’s all from me. This is Vatsala Shukla signing off. See you next time.

Ever had the unsavory experience of working for a mercurial boss? You know, the Dr Jekyl and Mr Hyde type?

I have and I can tell you from first-hand experience that working with an unpredictable volatile boss is rough on one’s mental health and confidence.

This particular ex-boss used to blow hot and cold. He’d leave the employee of his attention completely confused by being friendly one minute and then snubbing them or worse yelling at them in front of the entire office the next minute (which is humiliating in an open office setup).

He was low on Emotional Intelligence and made my life miserable with his unpredictable behavior. I was grateful to God when I was transferred to another department where they needed my experience for a particular project and we didn’t need to interact with each other too much.

This man had been brought into the company for a specific purpose. He was a pro at keeping top management happy who could see what was happening to the department morale but ignored complaints making things worse.

Things came to a head when he tried the same stunt on the tea boy who decided to stand up for himself and literally threw the rule book at the Managing Director. This man had to formally apologize and after that, things got a little better.

There’s a big difference between a boss who might occasionally lose his cool when there are deadlines and he’s under pressure and one who needs to manage his emotions and behavior.

Intimidation and mood swings don’t lend to emotional intelligence.

The story I’ve shared is 20 years old. Had this behavior been repeated in today’s day and age, the boss would have been out of the door or there would at least have been an inquiry.

Our employers have a duty to provide us with a safe workplace but it is equally important that we be proactive in creating psychological safety for ourselves.

I wasn’t surprised when I read that Management expert and psychologist Dr. Robert Hogan said in 2016 that “seventy percent of American workers would take a pay-cut, if someone would fire their boss.”

For the record, the young tea boy went on to open an office catering business and was doing well in later years.

Perhaps standing up for himself and owning his worth in the workplace gave him the confidence to reach for his dreams.

If you feel you’re being bullied, then I have provided detailed guidance in my post on handling workplace bullying.

In this post, we’ll focus on some coping strategies to protect your well-being and career.

Consider these tips for dealing with an unstable hot-headed boss.

3 Steps to safeguard yourself from the boss’s unpredictable behavior

Step 1: Stay calm, stay positive.

It can be hard not to take things personally during the boss’s outburst but keeping yourself calm and collected is important. Unless you’re really bad at your job, know that such behavior is more about them than you.

Staying calm helps you to stay in control of the situation and not add fuel to an already burning fire.

If you feel you’re about to lose your cool or composure, step away from the situation. It could be excusing yourself to get a glass of water or just walking a bit. That’s how I used to take time out to reclaim my composure.

Likewise, maintain a positive attitude. That will help you stay productive and keep a control on your stress levels.

What’s the worst that can happen? You might decide to update your resume and find a better job elsewhere.

Whenever my clients feel overwhelmed by their boss, I always advise them to take the proactive step of updating their LinkedIn profiles, resume and explore opportunities.

The very action of doing a passive job search gives us the confidence that there are other jobs elsewhere that might lead to a fulfilling career.

Make sure you’re not contributing to the outbursts.

When you’re working with someone, you tend to get to know their inclinations and triggers for mood swings.

I recommend working on your timing and figure out the times and situations when your boss tends to be more approachable. That’s one way of demonstrating Emotional Intelligence.

They may be less perturbed by negative news after lunch or on days without management meetings.

Prevent becoming a victim by making sure you put your agreements in writing.

Document all tasks by creating a paper trail with email and other evidence that you can refer to when there’s a conflict.

It will also provide valuable evidence if your boss is also malicious and if matters come up with HR at a future date.

 If you think it would be helpful, consult HR or a colleague that you trust. Be tactful and discreet so your boss won’t think you’re going over their head.

5 Ways to manage your Boss

If you are currently dealing with a quixotic boss, here are 5 ways to handle him or her immediately.

1. Look for patterns. I mentioned triggers earlier. Can you spot the triggers behind your boss’s behavior? Maybe they expect you to respond immediately to their emails or they act grumpier when deadlines approach. If you can anticipate stressful times, you’ll be able to plan for them.
2. Ask questions. Clarify priorities and expectations. Let your boss know that you care about your work and want to cooperate.
3. Focus on content. Not everyone is an effective communicator. Try to distinguish between what your boss is saying and how they say it. Look for the kernel of truth in their feedback even if you think they’re exaggerating. Be open to their worthwhile ideas even if it creates extra tasks for you.
4. Empathize and validate. Look for ways to be supportive while you’re having conflicts. Let your boss know that you realize the pressures they’re under. You can listen attentively and acknowledge their emotions without having to agree with their choices.
5. Express appreciation. While you’re dealing with their unpredictability, remember what you like about your boss. Demonstrating some sincere gratitude and kindness could create a more positive foundation for your interactions.

Always remember, you’re not married to your job or company.

There is always the probability that despite your best efforts, you won’t be able to handle the boss’s behavior or the toxic workplace ambiance. Especially if his or her bosses will back them because they are indispensable at the time.

If anything, learn from them and what you don’t want to be when you become the boss.

If your career ambitions include reaching the top rung of the corporate ladder, then you need to develop your emotional coping skills.

You may be or think you’re the smartest person in the room at work.

You might be better at delivering quality work than your co-workers or even hold more qualifications and certifications than your colleagues but you might not be getting the kind of raises and promotions you feel you deserve.

If any of this resonates with you, then you want to look at your emotional coping skills.

Your boss and HR might not tell you in clear words what’s missing during performance appraisals or counselling although you will find yourself labelled as ‘difficult’ or ‘too emotional’.

You might also be put on a performance improvement plan with the real issue masked by an easier topic.

You need to understand that a high IQ and other hard core skills aren’t enough to get you promoted or considered for a leadership position in the modern corporate world.

Of course you’ll get the pay rise and a bonus but after a point, that’s not enough on the Maslow Hierarchy of Needs and you’ll want more.

I’m not speaking from the top of my head – I’ve seen it happen.

Many years ago when I was a Finance Manager for a global energy sector company, I used to interact with a highly knowledgeable and competent Senior Manager from a Big 4 firm for the personal taxes of our expat employees.

This lady professional knew her area of expertise in comparison with one of her team members who I personally felt was over-confident and cocky at times.

Besides he’d make mistakes which included misspelling the Country Manager’s name on documents that needed to be signed before submitting to the authorities.

Imagine my surprise when I learned he had been promoted and then 2 years later made Partnership.

By chance there was another firm dealing with our corporate tax and company returns who had worked before with this lady in another company and he revealed her prospects were limited because of her outbursts and alleged lack of people skills when working under pressure.

She must have undertaken training to express her emotions in a manner that was not perceived negatively or maybe she became aware of her self-sabotaging behaviour because years later, she made partnership which honestly should have come earlier.

If you’ve worked even a day in the corporate world, you’d know it’s not unusual for people who are obviously less intellectually-gifted than you to get promoted not just once, twice, but all the way to the top.

What’s going on?

Part of it will be intelligence scores. In fact, in study after study, IQs have been correlated to life success. IQ tests are almost universally accepted as a good indicator of overall life success.

But this begs the question, “how come people with high IQs don’t always become successful?”

In fact, if we’re talking about really spectacular levels of success, I’m talking about corner office CEO type of success, when factoring an IQ, is not always the case.

There can be a number of factors including being the favourite of the boss, being part of the right group or even being at the right place at the right time.

But if we were to account for all of that, there is one other factor that shines forth. It cannot be ignored.

This is called emotional intelligence.

One key part of your emotional intelligence is your skill in coping emotionally with certain social situations. This might be holding you back.

If you have tough time dealing with task completion and you tend to say the wrong things to the wrong people at the wrong time, don’t be surprised if this all blows up in your face when promotion time comes around.

If you find yourself always locked into some sort of negative emotional feedback loop with certain types of personalities in your office, don’t be surprised if this has a negative effect on your career trajectory.

These situations are impacted by your emotional coping skills or lack of it.

How do you deal with difficult people?

How do you interact with people who seem to oppose you at every turn?

How do you manage people who have negative attitudes or a corrosive personality?

These problems are not going away nor can they be explained away.

Your high IQ might help you engage in battle with these difficult types of people but you can’t wish them away.

This is where emotional intelligence comes into the picture and you need to develop this skill.

Besides, a deficiency in your emotional coping skills maybe preventing you from going up the corporate ladder as fast as you wish.

Before developing Emotional Intelligence, consider your Emotional Coping Skills

The pandemic years have brought focus back on our emotional coping skills and our mental health during times of an uncertain future.

Coping has been defined in Wikipedia as the conscious or unconscious strategies used to reduce unpleasant emotions.

The article goes on to explain that coping strategies can be cognitions or behaviours and can be individual or social and shares the different outcomes of research.

While the classification of these strategies into a broader architecture has not been agreed upon, highly regarded researchers have tried to group coping responses rationally, empirically by factor analysis, or through a blend of both techniques.

For example, Susan Folkman and Richard S Lazarus identified 4 groups of coping strategies – problem-focused, emotion-focused, support-seeking, and meaning-making coping.

Weiten has identified four types of coping strategies – appraisal-focused (adaptive cognitive), problem-focused (adaptive behavioral), emotion-focused, and occupation-focused coping.

Billings and Moos added avoidance coping as one of the emotion-focused coping.

Despite the various groupings, one thing is certain, people can used multiple coping strategies or even apply different strategies to deal with the situation at hand.

When we use emotion-focused coping strategies, we try to manage the emotions that accompany the perception of stress.

The five emotion-focused coping strategies identified by Folkman and Richard Lazarus are:

• disclaiming
• escape-avoidance
• accepting responsibility or blame
• exercising self-control
• & positive reappraisal.

There are a number of ways we can try to minimize or even reduce the emotional components of the stress creating trigger, namely, seeking social support, reappraising the stressor in a positive light, accepting responsibility, using avoidance, exercising self-control and even distancing ourselves from the stress creating situation.

When choosing an emotional coping mechanism, one has to consider whether we need it for a specific incident or if the need is a long term one.

For example distancing ourselves when the boss is in a crabby mood is a short term strategy but if you’ve had a job loss or bereavement, having a robust social support system to see you through the life altering event is better.

While some mechanisms require using sources or actions external to us, longer term strategies require us to introduce changes within ourselves.

That’s where activities such as breath work, meditation, yoga, chakra balancing, aromatherapy, exercise or acquiring a hobby like art and pottery help us refocus from the stressor by using physical or mental distractions.

Emotional Coping Skills and Emotional Intelligence –Concluding Thoughts

Accepting we need to develop coping skills of any kind takes a lot of courage and honesty because most people don’t want to accept that there might be something wrong with them or that they are part of the problem.

But if you want to make progress, you need to look at your emotional coping skills with clear eyes.

Be honest with yourself and when you find yourself handling a situation in less than the best manner possible, ask yourself

Am I handling this situations in the best way I am capable of?

Do I really need to react?

Do I have to always pull rank?

Can I come up with a sort of win-win situation?

Asking yourself these questions will lead to your mastering the first component of Emotional Intelligence – Self-Awareness and if you get that right, then you will make progress in understanding and applying Social Awareness.

Unfortunately, most people are ill-equipped to handle these questions and that’s why we achieve success on a fairly random basis. Sometimes we do well, sometimes we don’t.

As with every behaviour modification and change, this takes time.

The question then is, are you willing to do it?

If you want a little bit more predictability in managing your day to day success by honing your emotional coping skills check the resources below by clicking on the images (the recommended reading are affiliate links).

Karmic Ally Coaching’s How to Develop Emotional Intelligence with Ease

Difficult colleagues or co-workers whose moods and behavior spoil the workplace ambiance – every office has at least one of these. These guys don’t understand the meaning of team work or play political games for one-upmanship.

This issue isn’t one to be taken lightly. The Randstad Employer Brand Research (REBR) revealed that more than 1 in 5 employees had considered leaving their jobs in just the first six months of 2021.

Employees had stayed put during the pandemic for stability but would move out to meet their new needs in the post-pandemic world.

One of the reasons in the article that covered this research was incompatibility with manager or team.

These people can have a negative impact on your mood and performance.

While there may be many reasons for your colleague’s discontent like personal problems on the home front that are spilling into the workplace or even feeling that they’re not getting the right amount of recognition and reward for their work, this should not affect your emotional health.

You can’t control the behavior and conduct of your colleague but you can take measures to ensure you don’t contribute to conflict.

Your skills competence will take your career far but when it comes to leadership roles, your emotional intelligence and people skills will play a major role.

One way of preparing yourself before talking to a difficult colleague or any person is to decide your desired outcome and how you intend to achieve it. It requires using Emotional Intelligence.

Follow these 4 steps and you’ll definitely come up with some creative out of the box ideas to deal with the difficult person.

1. Stop thinking of them as ‘difficult’. In other words, drop the label you’ve given them and proceed with an open mid.
2. Ask yourself ‘What do I want them to do differently?’ Be specific in what you’d like them to do differently. Your job isn’t to counsel them or tell them to change their ways, just what you need from them.
3. Ask yourself ‘What’s in it for them to do what I want?’ People respond better to requests if they feel there’s some benefit for them. Think of how your request can help them too.
4. Tell them exactly what you want them to do differently, including what’s in it for them.

Preparing to deal with the difficult co-worker without losing your mind

It’s never easy to take on someone who is being difficult without knowing what’s actually triggering them and definitely hard if the person isn’t aware of the impact of their conduct.

If I were you, I’d do the following: 

Put yourself in your co-worker’s place and remember their good qualities. It will be easier to maintain a pleasant work relationship with co-workers if you try to understand their point of view. Keep their strengths in mind to balance any tendencies that you find irritating.

Beware: Empathy doesn’t mean you start making excuses for their behavior.

Encourage constructive exchanges while avoiding griping. Keep up daily pleasantries for an amiable environment.

Maintain your sense of humor. Any situation is easier if you can laugh about it. You may be able to find some entertainment value in your colleagues’ bellyaching.

Develop a strong support network. If you still sense negativity at the office, keep yourself strong with a good support network. Get the support that works for you from family, friends, or your faith tradition.

Now that you know what you want and how to appeal to the other person, let’s look at some strategies to put it to work.

Strategies for more peaceful communications with difficult colleagues:

#1 Talk with your colleague first. For any workplace dispute, supervisors appreciate employees who demonstrate the maturity to resolve their own conflicts. Start by speaking directly with the individual.

So if you have a colleague who loves to escalate matters and you find yourself wasting time explaining things to your direct boss, have a chat and get on the same page with them.

Tell them how it comes across and how you’re made to feel.

Most of the time, the other person doesn’t even realize how their behavior is affecting others or damaging their reputation.

It’s easier for colleagues to develop trust in each other and work as a team if everyone is committed to being respectful and straightforward even when there are disagreements.

#2 Know when to consult your supervisor or the human resources department. If you and your colleague can’t resolve the situation privately, you may need to escalate.

Follow your company’s grievance policy or ensure your colleague is aware of the appropriate avenue to express their concerns.

#3 Focus on inappropriate behaviors. When speaking with your co-worker, be specific about the conduct that you think is inappropriate. If necessary, explain how it’s disruptive.

For example, if negative statements were made in front of clients, describe how that could hurt the company’s reputation. Consider applying an effective feedback technique that would work to get the message across without making the other person feel humiliated.

Likewise, be open to any feedback about your own conduct that could be contributing to the situation and guide the discussion towards finding solutions.

#4 Help the perfectionist to be more realistic. Some people complain because they have high expectations that are difficult to meet with the time and resources available. Try to reach a consensus about what is feasible.

Encourage your co-worker when they do a good job and congratulate them on their successes. Let them know you recognize their talents – from strong presentation skills to knowing how to make newcomers to the team feel welcome.

#5 Introduce change gradually. Some are resistant to change and find it unsettling. If you anticipate that upcoming events are likely to create conflict, try to give notice or hold a staff meeting to discuss the situation.

People may accept unwelcome changes more gracefully if they’re notified in advance and understand the reasoning behind them.

#6 Avoid personal criticism. Making fun of others is often a sign of insecurity. If you’re working with a co-worker who makes disparaging remarks about others, the situation can sometimes be improved by helping them to feel more secure and confident in their own abilities.

Another option is to simply change the conversation to something positive. In any case, avoid participating in the mockery.

#7 Follow up. Once you make progress towards a more positive workplace, maintain the momentum with constructive follow up.

Inquire if your co-worker’s legitimate complaints have been resolved to their satisfaction and thank people for all their efforts.

Difficult co-workers can make getting through your day and completing your work hard for you.

But a proactive approach to create a more positive workplace can help eliminate tension and boost your own morale.

Additional Resource for dealing with difficult colleagues and co-workers

Check out this book on using Emotional Intelligence when dealing with difficult people.

Based in India? Click here.

Composure is an important characteristic of Gravitas and Executive Presence. It requires the skill of Anger Management.

Think back to your early corporate world days and tell me, which boss was the one you wanted to emulate as you progressed up the career ladder?

The one who maintained his composure and knew how to control his temper during crisis?

The one who used to keep shouting and screaming like a mad person and intimidating you and your colleagues?

Click here for the Developing Your Self-Awareness Bundle

You can continue reading the transcript below:

Hi, my name is Vatsala Shukla and I’m the Chief Encouragement Officer of Karmic Ally Coaching and we’re continuing on our series of quick wins with Executive Presence Tips.

Now the question I asked you, you must consider because the mad mind, mad cap manager most probably didn’t get very far with his career and if he’s the role model you chose, then I’m sure you’ve had enough issues with your career.

If you went, if you chose to emulate the one who managed to keep calm and composed during crisis time, then I’m sure that by now you really don’t need to listen or watch this tutorial.

It reminds me of the time when as a Senior Audit Manager, I was working for a client who was highly strung to say the least and had a serious anger management issue.

In fact, there was one time when for no rhyme or reason he decided to take out his temper on me in front of his staff as well as my audit team.

He literally had me in tears. I phoned my boss and I told him what had happened.

And the boss simply said to get out of there for the day which I did and later on I told my boss that I was not going back in until this person gave me an unconditional apology which of course didn’t happen because this was a very important client and my boss, the Partner of the firm decided to go with the client.

That’s fine because a few months later I quit the firm because as far as I was concerned, an employer who does not value my dignity as a professional and as a lady, and who is willing to allow the client to misbehave with me in front of my team and put down my credibility, I didn’t want to work with such a company. And I soon after forgot about it and I moved on.

Come six months later and I got a couple of calls from my former audit team members telling me about an incident that had taken place recently when the audit, final audit was taking place.

This time round, my boss, the Partner was there for the finalization of the audit and this same client screamed and shouted at HIM in front of the team and of course my boss had to take it with a pinch of salt because this was a high paying client, very important client but it made an impact on my team members and soon after that they also moved on to companies where they were valued and they were respected because they felt that a boss who cannot stand up for himself or a lady manager was not worth working for.

About a few weeks after that, I got another call and this time it was from somebody at the client whom I had known quite well and whom I’d continued to stay in touch with and it seems that particular man had been fired because having gotten away with insulting me and then my boss, he took it one step too far and in a fit of anger he assaulted the Head of IT.

After that there was no turning back.

A person who had spent 25 years of his career with an organization in different countries was asked to leave because they could not have him assaulting people just because something was going wrong.

And all of that, an entire career went down the drain.

So you might be asking me now,

What’s Anger Management got to do with Leadership or Executive Presence?

But here’s the thing, the reason I shared this little story with you was because there are some severe effects of anger in the workplace and one of the most prevalent problems that employees say they face in the workplace is a leader prone to anger.

In this particular case, I have seen it with the audit client whose staff had also seen it and it went too far. And as you’d have guessed by now, anger is the most destructive emotion that a leader can exhibit.

And in fact, each year, millions of employees they either disengage from their jobs or leave them entirely due to their inability to endure their leader’s anger.

Now before you think that these are one-off incidents, anger at the leadership level is actually an old issue.

It’s one that has improved a little despite a greater focus in recent years on self-assessment, workplace behavior and anger management.

In fact, I’d go as far as to say, that Leaders who have learned to control their anger experience amazing responses from their people, as efficiencies, morale and engagement climb significantly.

And I have seen that too with leaders who knew how to maintain their composure in trying times and lead from the front rather than taking out their frustrations on their team.

4 Characteristics that impact Gravitas

So, when we think about Gravitas, there are actually 4 characteristics. If you’d like to learn more about what Gravitas is, then there is a link to a post where I explain it further but for now, there are 4 characteristics that impact Gravitas, which is your WOW factor, the one which makes people actually notice you when you walk into the room and know that there is something different about this person.

One is the Reputation, the other one is the Signature Voice. Then there is Composure that we’re talking about and Competence. Now today we’re going to focus on the composure element.

Composure means that you embrace challenges with vigor, seeing them as a call to do your best. It’s composure that calms fears and diffuses tension.

It clarifies thinking and focuses energy on solving the problem at hand which unfortunately my audit client didn’t seem to know how to handle. And this composure actually comes from exercising Emotional Intelligence.

It encompasses a leader’s ability to communicate and align with people and to align those people. Think back again to the question I had asked you.

If you had a choice between a leader who screamed and shouted and one who remained calm during crisis or under pressure, who would you prefer to emulate?

Which brings me to the question that, how could we avoid becoming a Leader turned Hulk like the client had and I’m sure many of you have your own personal examples of your workplace.

Well, I’ve got a couple of tips to help you with that. To maintain, control your anger and also to be able to present or demonstrate Executive Presence. But it all begins with you.

Allow Yourself to Feel Anger – For a Moment

And the first one is you’ve got to allow yourself to feel the anger but only for a moment. Because anger is actually a very natural emotion. And if you’re going to try to pretend that you don’t feel it, it’s only going to prevent you from processing those emotions in a natural way.

So understand that you’re human and give yourself a moment to allow yourself to feel angry. And then find a way to let the anger out. You can ask yourself what’s happened and why did it anger you?

And once you have a firm grasp on your thought process, then you have to ask yourself whether it is helpful? If it is helpful, then learn what you can from it. And if it isn’t helpful, then you’ve got to stop thinking about the problem and start thinking about what you need to do next.

Look at the Future instead of Dwelling on the Past

Another thing you should do is start looking at the future instead of dwelling on the past. In other words focus on solutions instead of on the setbacks because anger is never productive.

It is a waste of time and energy that could go into finding a solution to the problem.

So when the servers down and you’ve got a deadline, instead of shouting and screaming all around and getting angry, how about trying to figure out how to get the server up again or is there a backup you can use?

You can tell yourself, “it is what it is,” and then just keep moving forward.

Focusing on what to do next isn’t just productive, it also helps you to feel better after a setback. And looking for a solution helps to get your mind off of the setback by distracting you from what just went wrong.

In fact this is something I’ve seen with a lot of people.

They seem to keep thinking about what went wrong, what went wrong, they missed a promotion, this happened, that happened and I keep telling them, “Okay, what’s happened is in the past and you can’t really return or remove it but how about looking forward and seeing if there is something better that you can do or something better aligned to what is good for you?”.

Look at Things as Challenges instead of Problems

And then the third one is look at things as challenges instead of problems. If you can just do that, then it will actually help you to move forward faster. It will also stop you from getting so angry that you lose your composure.

In fact, reframe and think of the setback as a challenge. This is a mindset thing. Because most advancement and recognition in this world comes from overcoming challenges.

And if you could just for a moment stop griping about what went wrong, look at the situation as, okay, this is a challenge, how am I going to fix it because everything that goes wrong is actually an opportunity for those of us who can find a way to correct it.

What if another person upsets you?

Now you might ask me, what if another person upsets you? What then? Well, I’d like you to then think about it.

Did this person actually mean to upset you? Or is it something else that is going on inside you that makes you feel that the person deliberately tried to upset you or you got upset?

Remember the times when you have also done things inadvertently and managed to upset someone else. Did you mean it? Was it intentional?

Sometimes it’s better when someone has upset you to just calmly talk to them. Tell them what they did that hurt you or upset you and give the other person the chance to explain.

For all you know they wouldn’t even have known they have gone and upset you. You know getting upset is also a very personal thing.

So I have a quote from Mark Twain that I’d like to share with you which ties up with what I was saying about anger being so destructive and that is that anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than on anyone (to anything) on which it is poured.

In other words change the way you look at things, change your mindset, change your attitude, don’t let anger get the better of you.

Now to understand better about what triggers you, you need to have a higher level of Emotional Intelligence.

And the first thing you have to do to develop that Emotional Intelligence is to become more self-aware of what you’re all about, how you feel, what your triggers are, how do you react or respond to situations and for that I’ve got a wonderful self-study bundle.

It’s a self-awareness guide along with a workbook to help you and it’s not very expensive. But it will help you a lot in developing your own Emotional Intelligence and what sets you off.

To Recap our Anger Management Tips

So to recap, leaders with anger issues affect employee morale and productivity. You don’t want to be seen as that kind of a leader.

Instead you want to be seen as a calm, collected and composed person because composure impacts Gravitas which is one of the biggest elements when you’re trying to demonstrate Executive Presence.

High Emotional Intelligence is important for composure and managing anger and your mindset and perspective enables you to manage anger and demonstrate Executive Presence.

So as always, I have a question for you.

Do you find it easy to control your temper, manage anger and maintain composure?

If yes, then do tell me your little tips that I can share with others and if not, maybe its time for you to sit down and think about it as to where do you need to improve on it.

And do let me know in the comments. Bye for now.

Everyone’s talking about the need to develop Emotional Intelligence if you want your career to go places and even bag a leadership role. But did you know that being a compassionate person helps with demonstrating Emotional Intelligence?

Here’s a question for you.

When thinking of someone who is compassionate, do you associate it with someone who has a martyr/victim personality? Most folks associate compassionate people as soft or weak.

However, compassionate people have an amazing superpower – they know how to use compassion as a strength and not a weakness.

Let’s look at Mother Teresa, who was known for her compassion. Do you see a weak old nun or do you see someone who was a pillar of strength?

That’s what possessing compassion does for us. Had Mother Teresa been in the corporate world, she’d have been seen to possess Executive Presence too.

To make sure we’re both on the same page, let’s look at the definition of compassion.

The Cambridge Dictionary describes compassion as

A strong feeling of sympathy and sadness for other people’s suffering or bad luck and a wish to help them.

I personally prefer the definition from the Merriam-Webster dictionary where compassion is described as a sympathetic consciousness of others’ distress together with a desire to alleviate it.

Either way, compassion involves our feelings and awareness of others and the desire to do something about it.

What is the difference between empathy and compassion?

There’s a difference between empathy and compassion.

Compassion is the broader word: it refers to both an understanding of another’s pain and the desire to somehow mitigate that pain.

Empathy refers to the ability to relate to another person’s pain vicariously, as if one has experienced that pain themselves.

Compassion involves both a feeling and the action that stems from that feeling while Empathy tends to be used for just the feeling.

(Source: Merriam-Webster Dictionary )

Social workers, leaders who take their fellow countrymen to independence possess compassion. The person who sees a stray dog run over by a car and takes the dog to the vet for treatment is definitely a compassionate person.

Compassion in the corporate world

As I mentioned earlier, the skill of Emotional Intelligence is important for a leadership role.

The ability to show empathy for our co-workers and team members plays an important role in being seen as an influential leader.

But there is also a new field of research that suggests promoting an ethic of compassion to help propagate a better workplace environment that in turn would lead to happier employees and better financial results.

This is discussed in the article Why Compassion in Business Makes Sense, which talks about research done by Jonathan Haidt at New York University that showed helping others brings about a heightened state of well-being or ‘elevation’.

Not only does watching a compassionate act make us feel elevation but we’re more than likely to act with compassion ourselves.

When Haidt and his colleagues applied his research to a business setting, hey found that when leaders were fair and self-sacrificing, their employees would experience elevation.

As a consequence, they felt more loyal and committed and were more likely to act in a helpful and friendly way with other employees for no particular reason.

I’ve seen leaders apply compassion when a team member has a sudden bereavement in their family thus encouraging other workers to reach out to help the grief stricken team member.

How many other ways can you think of applying compassion yourself?

The ability of a leader to influence his team in such a manner definitely leads to good team dynamics.

While there are still those leaders who feel showing compassion would make them look weak, I believe there is a strong business case to imbibe compassion in the workplace.

We earn to live and not live to earn. There are times when our personal life simply has to take priority.Like when a child is unwell or a family member is about to have a surgery and we need time off in the middle of a busy business period.

A leader who can show compassion and help the employee and accommodate the crisis will earn the trust, respect and goodwill of the employee which will be returned in full and more once the crisis is over.

Can you learn to be more compassionate?

The answer is yes, adults can learn to be more compassionate.

A new study by researchers at the Center for Investigating Healthy Minds at the Waisman Center of the University of Wisconsin-Madison shows adults can be trained to be more compassionate.

The report, published by Psychological Science, found that training adults in compassion can result in greater altruistic behavior and related changes in neural systems underlying compassion.

(Source: Association for Psychological Science)

In that study, investigators trained young adults to engage in compassion meditation using a traditional Buddhist technique of meditation that includes methods designed to develop loving kindness and compassion for oneself and for others.

3 Powerful Habits that define Compassionate Leaders

A good way to determine if you’re demonstrating compassion is to consider these 3 habits of highly compassionate leaders.

They don’t take things personally

People who emulate compassion both to themselves and for others, have learned the art of not taking things personally. They know when a mistake happens, that is simply a fact – a mistake happened.

They don’t focus on the feeling of failure. Instead, they simply focus on the problem without internalizing it as being about themselves. This allows them to take the next step.

They move forward quickly and rebound

Since compassionate people practice self-compassion as well as compassion for others, they can move forward quickly. They don’t make the problem, mistake, or situation about them.

There is less ruminating, worrying, and talking about problems. There is more of a focus on moving forward and coming up with creative solutions.

They come up with solutions to problems

Rather than ruminating, compassionate people come up with creative solutions to difficult problems.

Compassionate people can feel into what it is like for someone else to experience pain, almost as if they were the ones experiencing it. This offers them an amazing vantage point to problem solving.

This one quality has many benefits:

• In relationships, compassionate people can empathize with others and are better problem solvers.
• In business, compassionate people feel their client’s pain points, communicate with empathy, and help them find creative solutions.
• Socially, compassionate people invite others to be vulnerable due to their trustworthy and empathic qualities.
• Compassionate people have a superpower in being able to listen effectively to what people are saying and even what they are holding back on, as well.

These people have an uncanny sense about other people. This enables them to feel, see, and hear what others are experiencing. Compassion is an attractive quality.

They can draw near to them people who need their gifts, skills, and talents. This gives them an opportunity to not only succeed, but to excel in personal relationships as well as in business settings.

The personality trait of being compassionate is not one of weakness. It is one of personal strength.

Maintaining a balance between compassion and having strong boundaries is a winning combination.

Where in your life can you find ways to be more compassionate to yourself?

Where in your life can you find ways to be more compassionate to others?

When you practice compassion, you’re already ahead of the pack in the race to the top.

You’re showing Emotional Intelligence and can nail this skill even further.

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