Have you ever had a critical boss, colleague or “friend” who has managed to put you down in such a manner that no one noticed it apart from you?

Think hard, has there ever been a time when you have been receiving so-called constructive criticism or well-wisher advice that has left you knotted in the stomach?

Or confused you when you replayed the conversation wondering whether your response was adequate and appropriate to the situation?

Do You recognize Passive-Aggressive Communication when it’s staring you in the face?

Quite possibly you have been subjected to Passive-Aggressive communication with mixed messages that can easily trip even the most assertive individual.

This style of indirect communication is quite destructive. It’s often not easy to identify as the body language may not match the tone or choice of words.

Sometimes the comment may be funny or full of sarcasm. Warning bells should sound if you are receiving mixed messages which are leaving you confused or making you resentful.

You might be dealing with a toxic colleague.

Then it is time to take action before your self-confidence takes a hit.

One example that I remember from my teen years happened to a friend which illustrates the point.

On hearing that statement she was completely stunned – was it a compliment or a jibe?

Hours of girl-talk later, we were not sure but felt it was criticism and knew she should have responded. If only we had known, about the assertiveness skill of fogging to diffuse criticism and prevent conflict.

How to master the assertiveness skill of fogging

Fogging is based on agreeing with your critic like a fog bank. Here, we look at the criticism as feedback accepting that it is only that person’s opinion. Your own opinion about yourself is the one that matters.

But what if there is some truth in what the other person is saying, however sloppily it is communicated?

Instead of launching into a defensive attack or arguing, would it not be more productive to try to get to the root of what is being communicated?

With fogging you acknowledge what the critic is saying or some part of it which may be true.

You may not agree with what is being said as relating to you, but you agree with the possibility that what they say is true.

In other words, you absorb the criticism without getting defensive. You stay calm, leading to further dialogue as the other person feels they have been heard.

You can also ask the critic to clarify their assertion thus putting the burden on the critic to explain themselves.

Don’t be surprised if the critic backs off.

It is quite exhausting to continue criticizing someone who is not reacting in the manner the critic would like.

In my friend’s case the options would have been:

1. If she felt, there was some truth in the statement. You’re right, my eyes do take attention away from the acne on my cheeks

2. If she didn’t agree with the criticism but was willing to admit to the possibility of the critic being right. Sometimes my eyes and other features do deflect attention away from the acne on my cheeks

3. If she didn’t agree with the criticism, she could simply admit to the principle of the criticism. Sometimes it helps to have other features to cover for the flaws on a person’s face

Past the absorption stage the next step would have been to ask for clarifications. Like, what should one do about the acne?

My friend might have learned something useful about acne treatment or better yet, the critic might have backed off!

In such a situation, which option would you use? 

PS. Carrying off this assertive technique requires self-assurance and confidence. If you feel you need help in that area, please do check out my Kindle book – Self Confidence in 8 Steps.

Know someone who is suffering from criticism and needs a strategy to tackle the aggressor? Please share this post with them using the share buttons below. Thanks!

Written By: Vatsala Shukla

Every so often, we meet people who make comments and we are stunned to the extent that we don’t know how to respond. It could be a simple remark about your attire or even a derogatory comment.

It could also be a toxic boss or co-worker in the office.

Stumped in the moment, have you ever rewound the situation after the event? Played out what you could have said or how you could have acted?

Bullies or meanies, as I like to call them are essentially cowards or folks trying to raise their own self esteem by putting others down.

Important lesson from when I handled a bully in kindergarten

I remember as a kindergartner in New York, there was a meanie in my class. The good news was that she bullied everyone. The bad news was I got more than my fair share of nasty hurtful comments. 

None of the parents took our complaints seriously. Stacy (name changed) was absolutely angelic when the parents were around.

In fact she had a wonderful mother who in spite of being a working mother helped out at the kiddie events the school organized for us.

On one occasion things got out of hand and I turned to my father whom I considered an authority.

Instead of promising to talk to the class teacher, he told me I had to learn to stand up for myself. He suggested I first find out from her why I was being given the special treatment. 

In retrospect, I was being taught to first identify the root of the problem and then find a solution.

It took tremendous courage on my part but the next time she hit out at me, with great trepidation, I asked her, “What is it about me that you don’t like?”

Stacy the bully was stumped and ran off blustering incoherent words.

We did talk later about the root cause of her particular attention to me. Her parents were divorced, and she only met her father for a few days during the holidays. Her anger against me was because my father dropped me off to school every morning. 

I told her my father was a busy person and the morning walk to school was the only time I really saw him during the week.  Stacy melted a bit when she heard I was in bed by the time he returned from work. 

The happy ending to this story was that she targeted another kid and left me alone. 

3 Questions guaranteed to stun the Bully

Looking back, that was a lesson in assertiveness for me.  By asking for a clarification, we force the aggressor to back off while buying us time to think of an assertive response.  It is a far better technique than becoming defensive or crying.

So calmly ask the person who makes a derogatory remark

“What is it about my suggestion/idea/comment that you find ridiculous?’

“Can you tell me what it is about me that you find unacceptable?

“What is it about me that you don’t like?”

If the other person is targeting you to vent their frustrations, they will have to think twice.

Quite possibly, there is something in your behavior that is upsetting them and they are having trouble being articulate. This might be the beginning of clarification and change of behavior; theirs, yours or even both.

In my experience, the inability to handle mean people or bullies is often a reflection of lack of confidence in ourselves.

That’s where my Kindle book Self Confidence in 8 Steps is a valuable resource to help you build your self-esteem and confidence (learn more here).

Ever had to deal with a meanie? How did you approach the situation?

Additional Resources to handle Toxic People and especially Bullies 

Detox Your Toxic Workplace – The Savvy Professional’s Guide to handling the Toxic Boss or Colleague with Confidence. 

Update April 2024: This course is available at Karmic Ally Coaching’s Success Solutions.

Emotionally Intelligent People don’t bully others. They possess 10 traits that help them stand out from others.

Find out if you have them with this free checklist.

This post was originally published in May 2012 and updated in April 2024 for relevance and value to the reader.