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Transcript: Handling Personality Conflicts in the Workplace

Personality conflicts are bound to happen even in the best of teams. But it doesn’t mean that it cannot be handled with grace and ease.

Now, just as we have five fingers on our hand and each finger is different, so too are co-workers in the modern workplace different.

We all have different skills, talents and even shortcomings. The multi-location co-workers would also have different cultural, educational and geographic backgrounds which can at times create a bit of tension.

We all have our own unique way of working and even then, a diverse and inclusive workplace can actually improve the bottom line and can be a blessing.

But it can also be a headache when there is a clash of personalities or working style.

For example, say you’ve got a colleague who loves to interrupt whenever you are speaking at a meeting. And in the beginning, you may think that okay you know, the person may have accidentally done it and hasn’t realized that you haven’t yet completed making your point.

But if it happens more than a few times you might start getting irritated and you may just realize that, you know, you’re having an issue with this person. You know what is the worst part?  Sometimes the other person who’s interrupting you doesn’t even realize that they’re creating a problem!

Now, has this ever happened to you?

Think back about it and I’m sure that you would find that there are people who sometimes do end up irritating you even if they don’t mean to in the workplace.

In fact, according to the Workplace Conflict Statistics 49% of workplace conflict happens as a result of personality clashes and egos. And that is an issue that really does need to be resolved.

Defining Personality

But first before we go into the How part of it let us look at a definition of personality. I’ve actually got 2 for you.

The first one is straight out of the Enclyopedia of Britannica where, they’re looking at it as a psychological concept and two main meanings have evolved in there.

The first is that consistent differences that exist between people, which in a sense, is a study of the personality and is focusing on classifying and explaining relatively stable human psychological characteristics.

And the second meaning is that these qualities that make all people alike and that distinguish psychological man from other species. In other words, it directs the personality theorist to search for those regularities among all people that define the nature of man as well as the factors that influence the course of lives.

Now these are really quite complex definitions, especially if you’re not a psychologist. So let us go with one which is easier, and which is more relevant to us.

And that is one from Kendra Cherry and Steven Gans, MD, where they said that “personality is made up of the characteristic patterns of thoughts, feelings, and behaviours that make a person unique. In addition to this, personality arises from within the individual and remains fairly consistent throughout life.”

The point to note is, that they’re talking about it is a consistent behaviour.

General Principles while handling Personality Clashes at Work

So, if you’re going to try to deal with personality conflicts in the workplace and get them resolved, here are some general principles to consider.

Instead of trying to change others, try and understand the other person and build on our relationships with them. And here’s the thing.

You need to demonstrate Emotional Intelligence which helps you to also further show you’ve got Executive Presence. And here we’re talking about Social Awareness and Relationship Management. They ensure that your efforts get noticed and position you for potential leadership roles.

Another thing I’d like to say is that instead of thinking of it as a personality clash; why not think of it as a relationship problem and then try to solve it because there’s always a solution to every problem.

Going further into our General Principles, I suggest the following steps.

Firstly, examine your own part in a situation. Acknowledge your contribution to the situation. Are you doing something which might be agitating the other person to behave in a particular manner?

Develop compassion which means trying to see it from the other person’s point of view also. Another emotional intelligence step is to use perceptions (perceptual positions) an NLP technique.

Also think positive and focus on their strong points and workplace contribution. You know, when you can think something positive it can sometimes make the negative part a little easier to handle.

Practice active listening and listen closely to what the other person is saying. Maybe they know something you need to know too. Ask them to discuss your differences and work on solutions together. It can be difficult sometimes to have challenging conversations, but it is worth it.

And reach out. In other words, talk to them. Sometimes you know, sending emails or talking on the phone is not enough. Try, if it is possible to meet them face-to-face. It helps to resolve issues easier.

Set boundaries.  In other words, if there is some behaviour which is not acceptable, let them know that it is not acceptable. Don’t allow them to build on it.

You can also ask for help or mediation. If you cannot do it yourself, ask your boss or even ask Human Resources to step in.

Recognize other issues. And more importantly as a potential leader or as a leader recognize that there may be other issues and take a different approach. It may not actually even be a personality! You know when you have people from different disciplines working in a team sometimes, they know things that you may not know, or they may raise issues that need to be resolved first if you want a successful project completion.

Specific examples for handling Personality Clashes

Now let’s take a look at some specific examples.

The first one is to be humble

Now how do you deal with a coworker who thinks they know it all? You need to keep in mind that they may be trying to compensate for their own insecurity. So, avoid being drawn into an argument and be firm if you want to discourage unsolicited input.

I’ve seen this happen many times even with my clients as well as during my own working life that there would always be an annoying know it all who wanted to be seen, wanted to be visible and used to be a nuisance. Handling them helped get issues resolved.

Stay on schedule

Now a colleague who misses deadlines and arrives late can hold up the whole team. So let them know how their actions affect others and set interim deadlines to help keep your projects on track.

Avoid griping

What happens when a little venting turns into chronic complaining? You may be able to help a coworker who tends to see themselves as a victim. But be careful.

Try to validate their feelings while also encouraging them to take responsibility for their actions and focus on solutions. This is what usually happens when people are not able to resolve something. And instead of trying to solve the thing or have an out of box solution and trying to implement it, they try to go into victim mode and put the blame on others.

Reduce the drama!

The other one is reducing the drama. Now maybe you find emotional swings and intense emotional displays a bit unsettling. We all have a Drama King or Queen in the office, and we need to know how to handle them.

But if your office is starting to feel like an opera company, then please take a deep breath and maintain a calm demeanor. Be part of the solution, not part of the catalyst to create even more aggravation.

Lighten up

And then lighten up. Now this is what I always tell people who are being micromanaged. It is, it does feel a little weird. It’s normal to feel undermined but it usually says more about your supervisor than it does about you.

And one tip that I have found that usually helps with these micromanagers is to actually give them detailed updates earlier on in order to ease any concerns that they may have.

Now coming back to something that I had mentioned earlier about having conversations and reaching out,

I have an extra resource which is free and that is Having Tough Conversations Tips Report. I invite you to download it. It’s for free and it will help you, give you some kind of guidance if you do find yourself having to have difficult conversations with emotional colleagues who are just unable to listen to you and at least try to get yourself heard.

Final Words of Advice

So my final words of advice are that conflicts are natural when you’re spending 40 plus hours or more a week with someone you might not choose for a friend outside of the workplace.

Knowing how to handle personality conflicts at work will help you to increase cooperation and reduce misunderstandings.

Think of it more as a relationship issue rather than as a personality conflict and reframe it from that vantage point. You might find better solutions.

And lastly download the Having Tough Conversations Tips Report to support your efforts in Relation Management.

So that’s all from me. I’m Vatsala Shukla from Karmic Ally Coaching signing off. Let’s go and make stronger relationships and avoid personality clashes in the workplace. Bye for now.

Conflict resolution is an important skill both in the workplace as well as in one’s personal life. But it’s not an easy skill to master because our emotions get in the way.

One of the biggest challenges I’ve faced as a Team Leader and Manager was bringing the different members of my audit teams to work as one and not a group of individuals brought together for an assignment.

One had to manage the project close, the goals of each individuals and ensure they worked as a group while managing personality and working styles.

When professionals are from different disciplines, this is normal and it’s up to the leader to manage the clash of personalities and even egos sometimes.

Even then, there were times when conflicts arose and had to be handled with tact and understanding.

Sometimes the conflict can be with the boss as I narrate in my post Dealing with Ethical Dilemmas can be Easy and the steps to take if you’re in that situation.

Be honest, how do you feel about confrontation?

Have you ever had a difficult confrontation that made you wonder at the end of it, that you were going bonkers or wee bit mad?

Does the thought of confronting someone at home or work leave you feeling anxious or depressed?

Are you the kind of person who actively goes out of your way to avoid conflict, even when doing so makes your life more difficult?

Maybe you’re the kind of person who is ready to charge into the arena like a bull agitated by the Matador and take the conflict issue head on.

Or you make every effort to avoid conflict and bury your head in the sand like an ostrich.

Either way it’s an uncomfortable situation and the solution is nonviable in the long run.

For most of us, the idea of confronting someone about a problem we have is enough to trigger a flood of feelings.

And when you imagine yourself sitting across from that person, talking about something that has been bothering you or causing you pain, you can’t help but get emotional just thinking about it.

You don’t want to get emotional in front of them, but you can’t see a way to resolve your problem without confronting the situation.

The non-resolution of the conflict exacerbates into higher stress levels and ultimately your health and work performance.

Sadly, most of us were not given a great model for this or taught these skills in school. Many of us have learned to avoid conflict or become passive and hope it will go away.

Sometimes it becomes even more difficult because the other person is toxic and simply baiting you to bring out the worst in you.

So, what are you to do?

The good news is, confrontation and conflict don’t have to result in anguish or late nights wondering what YOU did wrong.

Whether your conflict is professional or personal, learning how to resolve these problems successfully is an important skill to have. You need to know how to apply emotional intelligence in the workplace.

When you can do it properly, you’ll feel good about the resolution, and you will finally stop tossing and turning at night. Here’s how.

3 Steps to resolve conflict without a headache

Get Mentally Prepared for the Conflict Situation

Before confronting someone, be sure you thoroughly evaluate what you believe the problem to be, how it makes you feel, and the specific issue you think needs to be addressed.

Be sure to focus on the problem at hand, NOT the emotions, concerns, or other factors that may be related but are not relevant to this discussion.

Prepare for your specific conversation, including how you will respond to their likely retorts or justifications.

The more prepared you are, the better you think and manage your emotions in the moment.

What is it that this person really cares about? What is their perspective on this issue?

Trying to understand their point of view using Perceptual Positions helps you be better prepared with your counterpoints.

What is your ideal solution, and how can you make that work for them?

Another suggestion is to do role play.

Role-playing with someone can help you prepare and figure out where your emotional triggers might be.

Get feedback from others about how to approach the situation or respond to their arguments.

Remember you are there to talk about the specific situation, not the other person.

This is about resolving the problem to protect your relationship, not to destroy them.

Create a Productive Engagement

I go into more detail in my course Detox Your Toxic Workplace but in essence, here’s how you create an ambiance where both parties can engage in constructive dialogue.

Talk with the other person in private or another safe environment rather than in front of other people.

Remember to focus on the positives so that you can build from there and stay firm on your need to address the problem you are having.

Speak in facts, not emotions, and then allow the other person to respond.

Allow them to express their point of view and genuinely listen to what they are saying.

Focus on your needs and feelings without bringing others into the mix.

If you bring up how others feel, it will make them feel attacked and judged, and it makes you look weak that you need their support to justify your claims.

Remain calm, focus on the real issue, and do your best to explore solutions and possibilities, even if they are different from your own.

Come prepared with support, facts, and data that back up your claim to what you believe you are entitled to from this outcome.

Be confident that you are asking for what you deserve or need.

Stay Focused on the Issue

Throughout your conversation, don’t take anything personally. It will be tough but stick to the agenda of the conversation – the issue.

You are there to resolve a problem, not to feel better about yourself. This is not about you. This is about addressing the issue.

Do not use inflammatory language, and use “I” statements to focus on how this situation is affecting you.

Avoid absolute language (never, always), as well. Assume that the other person has positive intentions and would like to see this situation resolved, as well, and you may find you get a better result.

It’s okay if the outcome that you agree upon is not your idea, as long as it is something you can live with.

Focus on finding solutions that give you both what you need and want and discuss the pros and cons of any resolution together before making an agreement.

Agree what each of you will do to resolve the problem and set a time to meet again soon to check in on your progress.

Be sure you follow through with your end of the deal, as well. You are one-half of this relationship, so do your part to solve this problem, too.

Bonus Tip: Confront and Banish Your Fears and Weaknesses

You may be scared of what outcome will emerge by taking the above approach to conflict resolution. Fear in dealing with such situations is normal. While you can’t control the outcome completely, you can control your Inner Feelings.

My suggestion, whether metaphysical or not is always to confront the fear or weakness by acknowledging it, analyzing it and then letting it go. The letting go part is the difficult one just as breaking a bad habit.

This Confrontation Technique will give you the confidence you need to do the right thing.

Final Words on Conflict Resolution

You do not have to choose between staying in control of your emotions or finding a resolution to your conflicts. You can have both.

You just need to learn to manage your feelings more effectively while asking for what you need.

I know I’m not alone in dealing with conflict and I chose to have both. Do you?

Imagine how knowing how to manage conflict will reduce your stress levels.

Setting clear boundaries and mutual expectations can help us avoid most conflict. It also helps us build relationships based on trust.

So many professionals have asked me about managing their emotions when dealing with conflicts.

And I’ve seen so many make the mistake of internalizing their feelings without addressing the issue at hand and then let it fester until there is an outburst. And that’s just backwards.

So I’ve put together a report for free that would help professionals like you, learn a few techniques to focus on the right things during conflict resolution so that you get what you need without losing your cool.

Conflict management skills are a lifetime practice.

It may still feel uncomfortable and stressful when conflict arises but using this short report will increase your confidence having tough conversations and respond well.

Any of the items in the report can provide valuable insights, even if you only do one.

Would this be of interest to you?

Click here or on the image below and get your copy now.