Ever worked in a job where a slacker colleague or subordinate didn’t pull his or her weight in the office that created all round resentment? Not to mention stress?

I’m stating with 100% confidence that we’ve all experienced this particular kind of lazy co-worker who’s gotten our goat at some point or another. How we’ve handled it is a different matter.

Sometimes we’ve covered up for them. Other times we’ve allowed our resentment to be expressed especially when it affects our own work or team morale.

I met my first slacker colleague quite early in my career when I was part of an industrial secondment team for reviewing a Pension Equity Plan that needed financial support from the government.

Things were complicated because the accounting system had developed an issue and the Fund Managers had not done their job properly. Our mandate was to determine what should have been the value of each pensioner’s corpus in the plan.

It wasn’t the most glamorous assignment in the world but one that required concentration and efficiency as we worked towards a deadline. Colleagues were being pulled in from all our offices to work on it. We were put into micro teams to speed up the work.

My team leader and I were putting in the work but one of the secondees in our small team was too busy having extended lunches, doing her shopping and leaving work at closing time!

The rest of our team was eating sandwiches at our workstation at the time and clocking in extra hours.

There came a point when the rest of us couldn’t take more burden. The lady was out and sent packing back to her office.

It was the first time I heard the word slacker.

Since we were assigned a hotel room together and chatted, I thought it was more of a rebellion (more on that later).

A short background about the label of being a slacker

My colleague was definitely a slacker and fits the Wikipedia definition to perfection.

A slacker is someone who habitually avoids work or lacks work ethic.

It seems the term slacker goes as far back at 1790 or 1898 and gained recognition during the British Gezira Scheme in the early to mid-20^th century when Sudanese labourers protested their relative powerlessness by working lethargically, a form of protest known as “slacking”.

The word “slacker” was commonly used in USA during World War I to describe someone who was not participating in the war effort or avoiding military service (later termed as a draft dodger).

It’s not clear when the shift in the use of “slacker” from its draft-related meaning to a more general sense of the avoidance of work happened.

However, slacker has connotations of apathy and aimlessness. Other words that can be used for slacker include idler, do-nothing, loafer and layabout.

It is also used to refer to an educated person who avoids work, possibly as an anti-materialist stance, who may be viewed as an underachiever.

3 points to consider before taking action on the slacker

While slacking in the workplace should be discouraged and better work ethics be indoctrinated, it’s not always black and white.

Context of slacking is important.

For starters, is the person a habitual slacker or is this a one-off being triggered by a different set of circumstances?

The colleague I mentioned earlier had not wanted to come on the assignment. She was forced to do it by her manager who told her to put in 2 weeks and then he’d pull her out for other work.

I know this because we were sharing the hotel room and had some great chats about it.

As a junior trainee at the time, I was amazed she would allow her image to suffer the way she was going about it.

It was a learning lesson for me to be used later in my career – make sure my team members are all in or else find someone else to do the work.

Not everyone is a slacker – sometimes there are other issues going on that can lead to outward symptoms of laziness.

Your colleague might have problems on the home front or be unwell which prevents them from working efficiently.

In such a case, emotional intelligence and empathy are required as well as good management skills to adjust one’s approach.

Maybe give them time off or allow them to work from home while insisting the work has to be done.

Secondly, focus on your own productivity.

I know it’s irritating if your co-worker is not doing their bit but honestly, is their action or lack of it really affecting your productivity?

My colleague’s actions were definitely affecting my work. I was doing more than my share but I was still able to work independently even if I was slower in the evenings because I was tired out.

My team leader had to handle this for all of us. In general, if your productivity is not directly affected, unless you’re the manager, perhaps its best to not raise the issue.

Thirdly, if some minor tasks are slipping through the cracks, you might just consider doing them yourself provided this doesn’t become a routine activity for you.

One-offs are fine, all the time simply encourages bad behavior.

More ways to tackle the lazy Coworker

While it’s not your job to teach your colleague good work ethics, their active participation is required to get the work done.

If the 3 points I mentioned earlier are not enough, then here are 3 ways to handle the situation without adding to your stress.

Make the team member understand their role in the scheme of things. In other words, apply your skill of relationship building. When colleagues are part of creating the solution, they feel more responsible and wouldn’t deliberately let you down.

Maybe my colleague would have acted a little differently if she had not be thrown into the middle of a project. Instead of being told to pour over bank statements and find contributions from pensioners she was told what we were trying to assess.

Restructure your process. If the colleague still doesn’t get the message, you need to be proactive to ensure your productivity and deliverable don’t suffer. Can you restructure your job to bypass the coworker who misses deadlines?

Escalate the matter to your supervisor. This is a last resort tactic and to be used only if all other attempts to get your coworker to do their part of the work fails.

However, make sure you have already documented specific examples of their behavior and the impact on the work process first. Otherwise it can backfire on you.

How to get work out of Slackers when you’re their Manager

My early experience prove to be handy much later in my career when I had to manage a slacker in my Group. The story of extended lunches and leaving on time was further exacerbated with work that wasn’t up to the level required.

I was a new Manager in the Group and had already been apprised about this employee. Let’s say, her reputation preceded her. I wanted to give her the benefit of doubt and see how big a slacker she really was.

As it turned out, the lady had just had her first baby and her heart wasn’t really in the job she had. The office politics had turned dirty for her and she was on a Performance Improvement Plan. On top of it, her heart was set on going a more academic route.

Getting to know her was the best thing I did.

I discovered she had certain unique skills that were valuable for the projects I was doing but hadn’t been utilized by the other Manager in our Group.

She put in her papers about 4 months later when the tug of motherhood got strong and went on to pursue the line of education she wanted. During the time we worked together, this slacker was the most efficient professional I had!

There was no secret sauce or magic involved. Simply applying Emotional Intelligence with a good dose of trying to understand what made the other person tick.

Being a good manager means bringing out the best in one’s team while also ensuring the goals of the organization and those of the employee are aligned. I share another example with tips in my blog post How to bring out the best in reporting colleagues.

Quite often employees fall behind because they need training in skills. They refrain from telling their manager or coworker about it for fear of looking incompetent.

If you’re a manager, be proactive in identifying skills gaps. Ensure the employee under your charge is given access to the training, whether its offsite or an online course.

Some tips about getting the lazy team member to start pulling their weight are:

Share the big picture with the employee.

Employees will feel more engaged and motivated if they understand the purpose behind their activities. Talk about how their efforts contribute to the good of the organization and help others.

For example, a monthly report is being prepared for top management. You ask someone to pull out numbers without telling them the importance of those numbers and you might end up having to double check.

In contrast, when the person knows the relevance of the numbers, they’ll make sure their work leaves little to criticize.

Clarify roles.

Give staff members unique responsibilities to increase accountability. Design tasks that leverage their personal strengths.

As I discovered my team member had unique skills when it came to analyzing financial instruments and creating templates that could be used to plug and play for different clients. Imagine how many hours of work she saved us on different clients with complex loans and financial instruments!

Establish measurable goals and reward progress.

Employees may under perform if standards are imprecise. Set targets they can aim for, like number of billable hours per month or milestones to be achieved per quarter.

Follow up to let employees know that their accomplishments will be noticed and appreciated. Praise them for taking on a heavier workload successfully.

I had a boss who used to take us out for a meal when we’d successfully complete a difficult assignment or give us time off. Give the whole office an extra day off to reinforce a sense of teamwork.

Ask for input.

If you’re unsure how to proceed, enlist the employee’s cooperation by asking them for their feedback. They may be able to suggest whether they need closer supervision or a quieter workspace. Just being consulted may help them to feel more engaged.

That’s how I discovered my team member’s special skills. I asked her for her feedback and views, and she showed me a template she’d been working on.

The point I’m trying to make is one doesn’t have to go after the lazy employee with a whip to get work out of them. Sometimes trying to understand them and leveraging their skills can actually turn the situation around for everyone.

Besides, it makes us better coworkers and managers and develops our people skills too.

Self-awareness isn’t just a component of Emotional Intelligence that helps you with your career ambitions, it is also essential to coping with challenging times, change and how you respond to it.

Different people respond differently to change. Some go into a downward spiral while others find the inner strength to rise to the challenge.

Self-awareness is a strength that should be developed and maintained.

It’s knowing the state of your internal self, your intuitions, preferences, resources, and skills. Really, it’s about knowing that there is one thing you control in this life and it’s your perception of your world.

Self-awareness makes it easier to navigate difficult and unexpected situations when you’re in tune with your internal preferences.

But how Self-Aware are you?

Not sure? Sometimes checking indicators is a good method to find out as I share in the video blog. Prefer reading? The transcript is below the video.

Get your Self-Awareness Bundle here

Transcript

I’m curious, on a scale of 1 to 10, which 1 being a thumbs down and 10 being a thumbs up, are you already self-aware?

Have you reached the point where you can acutely understand any and every part of your body, being, and actions?

Self-awareness is a key trait essential to achieving true success and happiness in this life. You have to be aware of your actions and behaviours, body and mind, symptoms and limitations.

In this video blog post, I’ll help you identify just how self-aware you truly are right now and where you might need improvement with some common signs that you lack self-awareness.

If you notice these signs in yourself, it’s time to address the issue and adjust; don’t just sit idly by and watch it happen.

You’re a micromanager

Frankly speaking, no one likes to be micromanaged, whether it’s in the workplace or elsewhere. As a micromanager, you might not even realize you’re micromanaging your colleagues!

Some of the best excuses I’ve heard have included wanting things to be done perfectly or having too much at stake for things to go wrong or even the benevolent leader who thinks the that the person needs a little extra assistance or an extra push of encouragement.

Whatever the reasoning, you’re not taking into consideration how your micromanaging is affecting the other person.

Your desire to take controls is negatively impacting the very person you claim to be helping. Your micromanaging signals to them that you don’t trust them.

It also shows that you’re not self-aware enough to realize this.

To adjust: Challenge yourself to trust others and delegate your work.

You’re never at fault

This is a biggie!

We all can be guilty of shirking the blame or avoiding responsibility by placing the blame on someone else every once in a while.

If you find yourself frequently trying to deflect unwanted negative attention by passing off blame onto others, you’re not very self-aware and may be perceived as a person that’s dismissive and who avoids accountability.

To adjust: Work on receiving criticism better and owning your mistakes, shortcomings, and misunderstandings; take full blame and stop deflecting.

You’re not able to laugh at yourself

No one enjoys negative attention of any kind, least of all embarrassment.

There are some, however, that lash out at those around them in response to these moments, when they should laugh at themselves and let it go. If you’re unable to laugh at yourself, it could be a sign that you’re not self-aware.

To adjust: Try admitting to yourself what you’re feeling (anger, embarrassment or any uncomfortable feeling) and whether your response is over the top. Then modify your behavior.

You’re overly defensive

If you find yourself constantly getting defensive over general criticism or feedback, you aren’t being self-aware.

Being self-aware means you’re aware of your faults, flaws, and misgivings. You know you make mistakes and are ready to admit them and rectify them.

If you find the simplest of criticisms sending you spiraling off the deep end, this is something you’ll want to work on.

To adjust: Try changing how you view the feedback and remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes; channel the feedback into positive improvements to your self-awareness and personhood.

You have a tendency to say things you don’t mean and later regret

When we get angry or hurt, we have a tendency to say things in the heat of the argument that we don’t mean and later wind up regretting.

This isn’t as big of a problem for those who are masters of their self-awareness; they thoroughly think through what they say and consider the impact the words will have on the world around them.

To adjust: Pause before you say something and think it through, including potential repercussions.

If you’ve been wanting to improve your self-awareness, there’s no time like the present.

I’ve only outlined 5 areas where you could be lacking self-awareness but there could be others that are more specific to you. In that regard I wanted to share with you the Karmic Ally Coaching Self Study Bundle on Self Awareness.

It’s a workbook as well as a guide. In the guide, you’re going to discover your True Self and become aware of what are your Motivators and also learn ways to improve your Self-Awareness. The workbook that I mentioned earlier is going to help you in recording your learning and is set up on a daily basis.

So you’re actually able to see the progress you’re making and if that sounds good to you then I encourage you to click the link below and download your own self-study workbook and guide.

That’s all for now. I’m Vatsala Shukla from Karmic Ally Coaching signing off. Thanks for joining me for this vlog.

Please note:

Since Karmic Ally Coaching is offering non-tangible irrevocable goods we do not issue refunds once the order is accomplished and access is granted to the product. As a customer you are responsible for understanding this upon purchasing any item on this site.

Please note all digital products are non-refundable once payment is processed. This digital product is yours forever. If you have any questions or concerns, ask in advance of purchase at vatsala(at)karmicallycoaching(dot)com.

Goals. You just can’t escape them, can you?

I mean, even deciding not to have a goal for 2020 results in a goal!

If you take me seriously and decide you won’t set goals this year, then that itself will become a goal and your successfully achieving it will depend on all the factors that go to making goal achievement possible – motivation, SMART Goals, progression milestones and the works.

The truth is, we set goals because otherwise we wouldn’t be able to plan a route to achieving what would make a big difference for us or achieve what we want.

You need to set up goals to achieve your cherished desires and dreams.

The problem that usually arises is having too many goals and that results in running after your tail the way a dog does.

The difference between the dog and us is the dog is doing it for amusement or some agenda known only to itself while the human ends up achieving nothing but frustration.

Why not select the best goal as a starting point?

If you find yourself being indecisive about goals, here are 3 keys to mobilize you into action.

In the days when I was doing free coaching sessions for my certification practice, I found the person availing this precious session had more than 1 goal.

It was a challenge to get them to focus on the 1 thing that would make the biggest difference to them or provide the biggest transformation.

I’m grateful for the experience as it has trained me to ask specific questions and help my clients boil down their goals to The Goal.

Of course we work on the others too but The Goal is the one that creates the momentum for all the others too.

Does your head hurt from having too many goals?

As you can see, we all have lots of goals – some big and some small. Some that are essential to achieve our desires while others that fulfill a personal need.

It’s like one student client of mine whose father had hired me to get her to go back to University and complete her Masters in Information Technology.

Somewhere along the way, his daughter had lost her drive and it was important to get her to complete the remaining 6 months and get her degree.

At our first meeting, her most important goal was to become a Size Zero like her favorite Bollywood heroine (who has since gone back to a normal healthy size following the rage of young girls going anorexic).

The second best goal was to work in media. I didn’t see any signs of a goal for completion of her education.

Honestly, I didn’t know how to handle this. The challenge was not only to bring the horse to water BUT make it drink that water!

I had to find what would motivate her and tie it into her big picture goal.

Fortune favored me as I found a loophole that required her to go back to the University and mark her attendance. This place had a Radio Station and she could participate as a Radio Jockey.

I pointed out that it would help her build her resume for a RJ position later. Our focus shifted to her exploring the media and mass communication areas for a career but in the meantime she was back at University and she completed her education.

3 actions you can take if you’re overwhelmed with goals to find the best one

Look for overlaps in your goals

Sometimes there is a natural and logical relationship between goals.

Just like my student client, there was an overlap in goals – even if one of them was that of her father’s. In your case, it could be you want to have more leisure time and learn a new hobby.

You could take up candle making or art classes to pursue a new hobby while making the most of your leisure time and accomplish both goals.

Sometimes two goals seem to be in direct opposition to each other, like wanting to travel and having more time at home.

In this case, write out both goals and next to each of them write out why you want to do each of them. You might find that what you want is to be away from work.

Maybe your real goal might be to change careers. Or, you might discover that you can satisfy your desire for travel with a short vacation or a long drive with the family.

Get to the essence of the goal, and they’ll work themselves out.

Need more help? This worksheet will provide clarity.

Make the time for your goal

Your time belongs to you and you control how you spend this precious resource.

It’s easy to hide behind excuses like there are “only so many hours in a day,” and that we’re “too busy” to take on anything else right now. Wouldn’t a positive reframe throw a new light on your time?

Instead of saying “I don’t have time to learn a language,” try saying, “I’m not making time to learn a new language.” We find the time for the things that matter.

Be flexible in your goal achievement approach

It’s a good thing to put a timeline together and have definite dates and time-sensitive goals. But remember that life happens, and often it even gets in the way.

There is an ancient Greek saying that goes: “If you want to make the gods laugh, tell them your plans.” Having milestones and plotting points along the timeline is good, but don’t hold yourself to it so rigidly that you cannot adapt to the occasional curve ball.

Focusing on what’s really important will help you find the best goal.

This presentation provides guidance to determine and implement the one goal that can benefit you most if you achieve it.

Parting thoughts on having a multitude of goals

If it feels to you like you have too many goals or if the ones you do have are fighting each other, then find the essence of each one.

That will help you determine what’s most important to you right now. Then work on one goal at a time. By concentrating on which one means the most to you right now, you’ll put those goals into perspective, until they don’t seem like so much anymore.

How do you find and implement your breakthrough goal?

Did you take a stand against bullying this month?

It disturbs me a global phenomenon found in schools as well as the corporate world needs a day or even a month dedicated to raising awareness about it when we have all experienced it at some point in our lives.

We need to be proactive in preventing it every day of the year.

If you read this blog post you’d understand why I take a stand against school bullies and bullying in general.

Apart from being cowards, bullies are also toxic and need to be handled head on or put your mental health at risk.

Worse yet, they also have low Emotional Intelligence which influences their social relationships.

Some experts even believe that emotional intelligence has more of an impact on your chances of overall success in life when compared to one’s IQ.

While you may not be a bully or toxic, your emotional intelligence can play a significant role in how you interact with others, and with low emotional intelligence, you might find social situations difficult and full of tension. It also impacts your career success potential.

When TalentSmart tested emotional intelligence alongside 33 other important workplace skills, they found

• Emotional Intelligence to be the strongest predictor of performance, explaining a full 58% of success in all types of jobs
• 90% of top performers are also high in emotional intelligence.
• On the flip side, just 20% of bottom performers are high in emotional intelligence

If your career aspirations include a leadership role, this is one skill that you not only need to master (like yesterday) but you also have to be perceived as possessing a high Emotional Quotient.

How will you know you have low Emotional Intelligence?

One way of finding an answer to that question is to take an assessment (like the one I’ve shared above).

Another way is to look for indicators.

Here are my top 3 red flags that might suggest you have low emotional intelligence or need to improve your EQ.

You lack the skill of empathy

When you see someone suffering either physically or emotionally, what’s your reaction? Do you feel a desire to help them or offer words of comfort or do you shrug your shoulders and tell them to buckle up or tell them that ‘things happen’?

Even if you’ve never had the experience the other person is going through, it doesn’t mean you cannot acknowledge their situation or pain and offer a kind word.

I remember the time my pet April died a painful death due to wrong medication given by a stand-by vet which perforated her lungs.

My boss understood my need to take a few days off to help the other 3 dachshunds at home cope with this event. He knew I was preparing to take legal action – which I did and won after a full 18 month battle – the vet went to jail for 3 months and the Consumer Protection Act was amended for death by medical negligence.

The drug, Nimesulide drops was banned later after a few children died from it and a Public Interest Litigation by a Good Samaritan citizen.

Sadly his secretary didn’t and on my return to work, while others understood my feelings she told me it was only a dog and couldn’t believe a Manager would get emotional.

What happened next led to our boss counselling her on sensitivity and the need to maintain discretion about her views.

My boss obviously applied the exercise of Perceptual Positions and 18 years later, we are still in touch. And he still inquires about the health of my present furry family member!

You find it challenging to under how others feel

People that have low emotional intelligence are often oblivious to the feelings of others like the Secretary was.

They simply don’t get that someone might be angry or irritated with them.

While it may be difficult to read people in a situation, it’s not rocket science to observe, understand the emotional tone and then act appropriately to the situation.

You seem to have arguments with everyone

It’s natural and even healthy to get angry about things that matter to you but if you’re finding yourself embroiled in arguments with everyone – family, friends, colleagues and strangers, then you need to pause and think about it.

Some people are angry by nature and need to develop anger management skills.

These people also have low emotional intelligence because of their inability to understand the feelings and emotions of others.

They tend to be overly critical of others and believe their point of view is the only one.

In contrast, an emotionally intelligent person will defend their point of view but will also be open to hearing the views of others and if they find merit in the other person’s opinion, they are open to reconsidering their point of view.

Such people are also unwilling to take responsibility for their mistakes or actions. Instead they take the easy exit route by blaming others for their problems or even justify their actions by saying they had no

Low emotional intelligence can wreak havoc in not only your life but the lives of others.

If any of the above signs sound familiar to you, it might be time to work on improving your emotional intelligence.

A quick win method to manage your Emotional Intelligence

There are countless ways to improve your overall life and improving your emotional intelligence can create a significant difference when it comes to your happiness and success.

If you’re looking to increase your emotional intelligence, then one of the fastest methods I can think of is to take a pause before you judge others.

In other words, resist knee-jerk reactions and pause. We usually think of knee-jerk reactions when it comes to emails or 2 am in the morning phone calls for reasons best left to the caller.

In fact, I wrote a blog post about email knee-jerk reactions some time back and the guidance in that post is relevant to anyone wanting to improve their Emotional Intelligence.

Here’s a link to that post.

Judging others is often a knee-jerk reaction that has become second nature to many of us. However, if you want to increase your emotional intelligence, you need to identify your judgmental thoughts and try to pause before you make a quick judgment.

When you take the time to think about it, you may find that you are not upset at the person, but you are dealing with stress in another part of your life.

If developing your Emotional Intelligence is important for your career then consider How to Develop Emotional Intelligence with Ease, a step by step guide to help you develop self-awareness, improve your people skills and create happier relationships. Click the below image for the guide and 3 awesome bonus resources.

Update 1 October 2023 – When I wrote this post back in 2013, my focus was on sharing my experience with the reader and how forgiving others benefits us mentally, emotionally and spiritually. The tools I shared were of a metaphysical nature.

There is another benefit of learning to forgive – improving our Emotional Intelligence and raising our Emotional Quotient (EQ). I address this further in the post.

The journey of forgiving unknown people.

In my post How to break free of limiting beliefs created by others without cutting off relationships, I mentioned the nightmare that ensued after my website had been hacked. I also mentioned receiving support and recognized the role of the Universe and Gratitude in my life.

What I did not mention was a tweet that caught my eye on Bucket Lists.

Or my on the spur reply that my Bucket List included someday forgiving the Hacker who made a mess of things for me. I needed the power of forgiving to heal. My reply was favourited by the Tweep.

Since then, I have ticked off that item from my list and forgiven the hacker. I also pray that it does not happen again and affirm that All Is Well.

I have taken control of my situation and am doing what is required to keep myself and restore the sanctity of my website/blog.

On a Good Friday afternoon, I started to reflect on what had happened and remembered a book I had read by Johann Christoph Arnold about a year ago titled ‘Why Forgive?’.

The book makes a lot more sense now. Whether it is how I felt or how any reader who has ever found themselves in a place where they have to forgive a wrong done to them.

What Forgiving has taught me

By forgiving, I have opened the door to peace and can focus on things and people that matter more to me. I have time to be grateful for the friends and colleagues who helped me, the internet friends who shared their stories and gave me priceless tips.

In forgiving, we are not belittling the hurt and pain that has been inflicted on us. Rather, we are shielding ourselves from being drawn into the dark place where bitterness resides.

It allows us to acknowledge and accept the fact that a wrong has been done to us without the need to retaliate or take out our frustrations on other people.

We rise above ourselves and from a place of objectivity, try to restore what is ours and if it cannot be restored, then accept and move on.

We also take the first step to healing.

Such is the power of forgiving.

It is easy, so very easy to give in to bitterness. Maintain a calm countenance and then let a small unrelated incident make us erupt like a volcano.

If we get away with it because family and friends understand, we might fall into the false sense that we can get away with it as and when we please.

It would not be too long before we would spiral into self-destructive behavior instead of stopping to smell the flowers and count the things that are good in life.

There may also be moments when our anger turns inwards on ourselves with the mind- game of reruns of how we allowed ourselves to be hurt.  When these thoughts start to invade, forgive yourself.

Use an affirmation that acknowledges that you have been hurt and proceed to forgive the perpetrator of the hurt and yourself. It does not have to be very complicated. Just a simple “In forgiving you, I forgive myself” can also work.

The book I referred to has a passage where it quotes the Gospel and the Sermon on the Mount where Jesus Christ says to bless our enemies and those who persecute us.  Who does not remember the famous words– “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do”?

From a coaching perspective, my suggestion is to focus on those actions that are in your control. If it is anger or frustration at events or people, then acknowledge your hurt or pain and take the steps within your control to protect yourself. Use the powerful tool of forgiveness to retain your dignity and control of your life.

Emotional Intelligence and Forgiving

Nowadays Emotional Intelligence is being valued as much if not higher than knowledge, skills or even IQ.  People with high Emotional Intelligence have certain traits and skills.

One’s social skills are important and the level of competence in this affects our level of Emotional Intelligence.

Forgiveness is one such social skill the lack of which, as pointed out by psychologists is an indication of low Emotional Intelligence.

Forgiveness is not only good for your health but it also helps us to avoid release frustration, anger and resentment. Internalize these and I can guarantee your blood pressure will shoot up which is definitely not good for your heart.

The way I see it, having high Emotional Intelligence helps us to forgive easily BUT, when we learn to forgive, we raise our EI too!

It comes down to the first quadrant of Daniel Coleman’s Emotional Intelligence Model – Self Awareness that I showed in my post on empathy and EI.

Self-Awareness starts with knowing yourself and the triggers that lead to an action or reaction.

Coming back to my story, it meant I accepted and acknowledged that I had been hurt. I even gave myself permission to cry and feel my pain and shock at the sight of a messed-up website.

Once the emotions were out of the way, I accepted the situation and explored how I wanted to deal with it.

I knew I had a choice. I could have shut down the website and wallowed in misery. Or I could choose to clear myself of resentment and anger at an unknown person or persons by forgiving them. And do what was required to bring my website back in order.

The deed was done and even though I chose the latter course of action, it was not easy working once again with my website developer to fix things and then employing another expert to check for back-doors and plug potential loopholes while also servicing clients and a workshop that I was running at the time.

It wasn’t just the unnecessary expenditure but the time crunch and having to wear a hat that I need not have but for this event that.

I later learned it was part of a brute force attack at the time and I wasn’t the only person who got affected.

Yet something good came out of this harrowing experience.

I developed empathy for other business owners who in later years have had similar experiences. The experience put me in a position to help them cope with the indignation and outrage they were experiencing. Nobody likes the desecration of their online home where visitors are welcome but not intruders who mess up the home.

Forgiving helps lessen the impact of the action that has hurt us enabling us to move ahead.

We never forget what happened, but we remember it as a simple chapter in our life as we write new and better chapters.

Have you ever needed to forgive someone you did not know but who had caused you pain?

How did you cope with it? Did you demonstrate emotionally intelligent traits?

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The book ‘Why Forgive?‘ by the famous author Johann Christoph Arnold is available on Amazon in both paper back and Kindle form. The edition that I am referring to is 2009 which has since been updated in May 2014. I’m providing a preview below of this must read book. Please remember to view my Privacy Policy should you choose to purchase this book.

Written by: Vatsala Shukla

Growing up, when things were not going the way I wanted them to, cribbing to my mother that I was not happy did not yield the desired sympathetic response. Instead, she would refer to the Bhagavad Gita and remind me that happiness came from within.

I was too young and inexperienced to understand the depth and meaning of those words. But I did understand that while I could not, beyond a point, control the externals I most certainly could do something where I had control. That became my attitude and reaction to situations and life in general.

This thought was further validated and reinforced in the form of a book that my father gifted me to back up my mother’s sage views – Bertrand Russell’s The Conquest of Happiness.

Russell believed that happiness could only be achieved through thought and effort. The book of essays is guide on living a happy life. If I may dare add a true self-help classic from a time when the concept of self-help didn’t exist. It’s one of many books that I recommend reading. While the cover of the book that is available is not as pretty as the one I got as a teenager, the essence is more important than the look.

In my post Self-Help Tip for Happiness, I’ve addressed the art of happiness from the metaphysical aspect and teachings of the Bhagavad Gita. In this post, I’m addressing happiness from a practical habit-forming perspective.

5 Habits of Happy People

With the book I was gifted, I found new insights and information presented in a logical form (not surprising as Russell is considered to be one of the 20th century’s premier logicians!).

From there the happiness habit began to form which I find does help. While one size does not fit all, there are 5 habits that one can start with and then make new habits once you get the hang of it.

Be grateful for the good in your life

Understandably, when things are going wrong, it is difficult to be grateful for anything. Our experiences make us who we are and there is always something to be found even in a bad situation which helps you to avoid mistakes further on. Being grateful for all the good things already present in your life will make the tough times easier to handle.

Believe that hope floats

No matter what is going wrong in your life, make positivity and optimism your secret ally. Focus on your actions and detach yourself from the results and the things that are outside of your control. Treat each experience as a challenge and an opportunity to learn and grow. Make optimism a habit and you will see the same world from a different perspective.

Develop your coping strategies

You know yourself better than anyone else will. Analyse and understand how you react to situations. Are your actions always the best for coping or do they aggravate the situation? Knowing your reaction triggers and working out a strategy in advance helps you to cope better with whatever situation you find yourself in. Different strategies may work for different situations. The strategies don’t have to be very complex, sometimes calling a good friend or going for a walk might just work.

You can also consider the tools in this book as part of your coping strategies. These exercises plus tips have worked for my clients and participants in my Creative Visualization workshops. Click the image or here to learn more.

Develop meaningful social relationships

Happy people are surrounded by meaningful relationships whether they are with family, friends, colleagues or personal relationships. These are people whom you may not talk to or even meet very often but are there for you when you need them and vice versa. It may be cool to have hundreds of cyber friends on Facebook but they don’t have the same impact as genuine social interaction where you can chat and share your life experiences.

Do little acts of kindness without any reciprocity expectations

This is my favorite habit. The feel-good buzz from helping a senior citizen at the post office or even helping out a friend in distress without any reciprocity expectations cannot be described. It has to be experienced. Ironically, the more you selflessly do little things for others, for some reason, the Universe does respond and send you helpers and guides when you need them the most.

Need help forming habits or breaking bad habits? Try the tips in the following chart.

Tips to Break and Form Habits from Karmic Ally Coaching

At the end of the day, it all comes down to the lens with which you view the world. A happy person will always find something to be happy about, the silver lining while an unhappy person will find fault with everyone and everything.

Given a choice, I would much prefer being Sunshine than Whinny.

Practice these 5 habits for 21 days and see how it raises your happiness and positivity level. You’ll notice you start attracting opportunities for further happiness and success without any effort on your part because your vibration level will attract more happiness.

As a parting motivator, I’m sharing a favorite quote from Kevyn Aucoin. I feel it sums up all our choices – including the one of forming a lifetime habit of being happy.

What about you? Is happiness a habit you strive to perfect? How do you manage to stay upbeat and cheerful when the chips are down? I’d love to read your tips.

As a veteran professional from the service sector, trust me when I say that it takes years to build a relationship with a customer and just one major goof up to jeopardize that relationship. You need to know how to keep a customer.

One simply cannot downplay the important role that client facing employees or outsourced customer service representatives plays in being the face of a company.

Armed with the knowledge that the customer really is King (or Queen) and the presence of other service providers for the same service who would love to have their patronage, what is good customer service all about?

The story of how an internet service provider sent me to the Twilight Zone

Early 2014, newspapers were abuzz with 4G services and my internet service provider decided to move their core technical people into upgrading the system to cash in on the action.

It appears they also revamped their Customer Service Staff by enrolling part-time youngsters but forgot about induction training because the evening shift was manned by staff who obviously had not been trained to handle queries from customers with serious problems during the upgrade or had any real knowledge of the products that the company sold. It was as good as talking to a voice mail service except here there was a human reading spouting answers from a screen and looking for variations of possible frequently asked questions.

Here’s the story of my horrific trip to the Twilight Zone that forced me to walk away from, an up to then, highly trusted service provider after almost 8 years.

It all started on the morning of the first Sunday of January 2014 when I could not access the internet with my dongle card. Normally when this happens, it means an upgrade is in progress and services are restored after a few hours. The Customer Service Staff knows what is going on and informs the customer. I did not think too much about it and went about my weekend routine.

The fun started at 7.30 in the evening when I still did not have a connection and did a reset which normally worked but not this time. So I called Customer Service where the rep told me to uninstall my software and reinstall it as the problem was at my end.

I explained that the original installation had been done 8 years earlier using a CD and that I did not know where the CD was so if anything went wrong, I would be in trouble.

The rep told me that the software was installed in the Dongle and I should proceed. I was assured that if anything went wrong, I would be assisted in downloading the software.

No second guessing but when we tried to reinstall my software, there was nothing to be installed and the rep told me that it was my fault that I uninstalled it.

I was admonished for not having 2 internet service connections and nothing could be done about it until I got a connection. When I asked to speak to his supervisor, he disconnected my call.

After that, I was on the phone trying to find someone of the right seniority and 3 hours later, I finally got through to a real employee of the company who apologized for what had happened and informed me that my model of the Dongle did not have built in software which was a new product.

In any case the software that his junior had mentioned was not available for download as I had an older model of the Dongle and the company had discontinued providing the software download. He promised to report the matter at a higher level and proceeded to inform me that I needed to take my computer and Dongle to the nearest service centre which was 50 kilometers from my house.

It was taken for granted that I would do whatever was required to undo their mistake and I was expected to step out of the house in fog ridden Delhi and travel to some unknown place because they were The Company.

As you would have guessed, I did step out on Monday morning and based on the recommendation of my computer guy, changed my service provider. The way I saw it, why would I want to pay 2 service providers for the same product?

Once my new connection was in place, I  called The Company’s disconnection department and after narrating my story asked them to terminate the connection as I did not have a working Dongle.

It seems that damage control only comes into play once the customer has left because after that I received dozens of calls offering to send someone to my house to provide me with a CD to reinstall my Dongle and I could use both service providers!

Perhaps the damage control department had not realized it but Elvis had left the building.

Then to my amazement, the threatening calls started telling me that I had to pay extra money since I was disconnecting the services mid-cycle and I just told them that if paying extra money meant that I was seeing the last of them, then so be it.

As I found out from the franchisee outlet where I went to make the final settlement, I was not the only one who was changing service providers. Quite a few disgruntled customers were walking in because their present connectivity had gone haywire and other horror stories. I thanked my stars that I had taken prompt action.

Out of the Twilight Zone and into the Light

Fast forward 2 years later, I am still peaceful and happy with my new service provider whose customer service is much better and I can manage any upgrade of my connection and payment without having to have any human interaction if I so desire.

On the one-off occasion when I have needed to make a call, there are friendly voices at the other end and no one troubles me with cold calls for sales. I receive emails whenever they have a promotion or if they believe there is something that could be useful for me. Guess what, I’ve even done upgrades and changed plans as needed with no problems!

I often wonder whether my previous service provider, a market leader and a highly reputed company known for being at the forefront of technological initiative and market penetration of the internet in India had ever thought through their upgrade project or did they just jump into it real time because they thought their customer base would accept bad service in lieu of better service in the future? Friends who had used their service and jumped ship before me had similar tales of woes.

Had they really trained their staff to deal with disaster management which is what this migration required?

I’ll never know and frankly, I don’t care. What I do know is that this company was again in the news recently for all the wrong reasons and clearly I jumped ship at the right time.

How to provide good customer service

The contrast in the service delivery and customer support of the two companies is so apparent that this week’s blog post is dedicated to what I believe are important tips that will help anyone who provides services to handle their customers better; whether you are engaged in over-the-phone customer service or operations involving interaction with customers.

Always Wear A Smile

Start every call with a smile. The caller may not see it but he will definitely hear it in your voice. Company B staff all sounded supportive and happy to be there for me on a national holiday. In a face to face interaction do smile and look helpful but don’t sneer or sound patronizing!

Put Yourself in the Customer’s Shoes

The fact that the customer has to talk to you means something is wrong and needs to be addressed. You are the face or voice of your organization and a lot depends upon the empathy that you are able to display. This will help you to choose the right words.

Listen and Be Attentive

There is nothing more irritating than a Customer Service Representative who keeps on asking the same question repeatedly. Listen to key facts and make it a habit to note down what the customer is saying. Paying attention to important details saves time and will give an impression that you are really serious on being of help. I had to repeat my complaint details each time and that really got my goat.

Watch Your Tone of Voice

Irate callers usually make a Customer Service Representative equally irate. But you should not allow yourself to be “infected” with their emotions. Remember, the customer is always right. So no matter how the customer is getting on your nerves, remain patient, understanding and again, empathetic. While it is normal for you to be annoyed, just make sure it doesn’t show in your tone.

Make a Recap

Once you have gathered and written down all the pertinent information you need from the customer, do a recap to make sure you get all the details correctly. Give the information that the caller needs and wrap up the conversation, making it clear that resolution was made or is being processed.

Final Words

As a guideline, keep in mind that politeness and patience go a long way. Even better, be honest with the customer. If there is a problem technical or otherwise, inform the customer of a specific date or time by which the problem will be resolved and not the 48-72 hours estimate. If you do give an estimate, make sure the work will be done by then otherwise take the initiative to call the customer and explain the situation. If you don’t know the answer, tell the customer that you will revert and consult a senior who knows how to solve the problem.

These are my 5 tips for good customer service. Have I missed any? Do share your views and what you expect from your service providers staff in the comments box below.

PS. If customer service stresses you out, would you like to try the Burnout Self Test? Click on the image below to access the test of fill up the form below. Don’t worry, I don’t inundate email boxes with floods of messages and I don’t share emails. You will receive messages from me about twice a month with news, resources and offers and can always unsubscribe if you want to.

Have you ever been in a situation where you know you need to do something or step out of your comfort zone to achieve a goal and then clammed up?

Let me tell you, you’ve been bitten by the Fear Bug and yes it’s itchy –but not if you apply the right tools.

Fear Bug bites differ from person to person but the outcome is the same. It’s the inability to act in a manner that is beneficial to them coupled with agony of status quo or a worsening situation.

A person may be quite articulate in person but ask him to call someone on the telephone and procrastination sets in. Some of us suffer from stage fright or feel awkward introducing ourselves at networking events.

I personally had to deal with the fear bug as a child when the needle used to give me a Yellow Fever injection got lodged in my arm. The nurse did not notice it until my sister pointed it out.

Thus began my tryst with Fear Bug Fever with future nurses having to chase me around the clinic with a syringe in hand. In time, I overcame my fear which was very real while it lasted.

We all get bitten at some point or the other. While it is good to have some fear and adrenalin rush, too much or unmanageable fear can prevent us from seeing the problem or issue in the right perspective and taking the required decisions and actions.

This week’s post is dedicated to my top 5 tools to combat the Fear Bug. I welcome more suggestions in the comments box to help readers who find themselves with similar problems.

Tool #1 Ask yourself – what’s the worst thing that could happen?

Just a simple question – What’s the worst thing that could happen?

This question, also called the Dale Carnegie Technique is a powerful method to confront fear where having identified your fear, you list out all the things that could go wrong and check if you can handle them if they happen. The key here is that by acknowledging the worst possible scenario, you manage to reduce the magnitude of the fear thus taking the sting out of it and move forward.

In my case with the syringe, my worst-case scenario was history repeating itself but I also realized that I could check my arm after the injection to make sure there was no needle.

Tool#2 Chant a mantra or affirmation

The best example of this tool that I have seen in recent times was in the movie Three Idiots where the hero would tap his heart and say “All is well” before proceeding to save the day when all felt lost.

Sometimes a bit of self-talk can help you to overcome a moment when fear is getting the upper hand. Here the chanting of the mantra or affirmation helps to calm the mind by shifting your brain waves to a more relaxed frequency.

Take a page from the hero’s book and select a word or short phrase that resonates with you. Then when you feel the fear simply close your eyes and say the phrase over and over again until the fear subsides.

Tool # 3 Breath Management

Think about the last time you were stressed out or scared. Did you notice how you were breathing? Most probably the breathing would have become rapid and shallow. You would have felt as if you were being smothered.

This tool is a beginner exercise in yoga for practicing Pranayam. Simply close your right nostril with your right-hand thumb and breathe deeply through the left nostril. Then cover your left nostril with your ring finger and breathe out through the right nostril. Repeat a few times and you’ll notice that you return to a calmer state.

Tool #4   Grounding

Grounding is one of my favorite tools for stress management and works well in releasing fear, anger and anxiety. There are many different ways to ground yourself which also facilitate Fear Management such as the exercises that help balance your Root and Sacral Chakras.

Another wonderful visualization technique involves walking bare foot or even with shoes on in the garden and visualizing that the soles of your feet are sprouting roots that travel down deep into the earth.

Having established your ‘roots’, now breathe deeply and with each exhale imagine that your fear is flowing down through your feet and into the earth. As you inhale, imagine that you are drawing up healing, regenerative energy from the earth into your body. Can’t go outside? No fear. Simply visualize that the roots from your feet are travelling down through the building and into the ground beneath it.

Tool # 5   Get an Objective Opinion from someone you trust

Remember the saying ‘a problem shared is a problem halved’? Well it works for fear bug busting too.

Sometimes, the best remedy for fear is to talking about it with someone whom you trust. This could be a family member, a trusted friend or your Coach. Simply talking helps to bring the problem or fear into the correct perspective, get another person’s objective opinion and chart out a plan of action.

Please note that I said ‘another person’s objective opinion’. What this means is that choose a confidant who is open-minded, would be supportive and balanced. Nott one that is judgmental or overly negative and would pull you deeper into your vortex of fear. What you desire is insights and perspectives that you might have overlooked in the throes of the fearful situation.

Bonus Tool: Use the Confrontation Technique in my post Confront and Banish Your Fears and Weaknesses

Have you ever been bitten by the Fear Bug? Did you combat it with any of my top tools or another one in your toolbox? Please do share with me in the comments box below!

Written By: Vatsala Shukla
Photo Credit: Tube by Gustavo Renzende

Visualize this scene and think of how you would handle it

You have just finished a presentation in front of important stakeholders for approving a project.

You’ve put in a lot of hard work and many an hour outside of work to get it just right.

The stakeholders buy-in. Your project gets the much coveted Go Ahead Signal.

A colleague walks up to you, shakes your hand and says, “Well done. You were brilliant!”.

How do you respond to the compliment?

Do You

1. smile and say “Thank You”
2. smile but wonder if the colleague has a hidden agenda and what he wants
3. smile and brush it off saying it was not all that great and that you got lucky

Which one did you select?

Was it A? Responding with a simple smile and Thank You reflects healthy self-confidence and Assertive Behavior.

If your response was B then the suspicion on your part indicates aggressive patterns while a C reflects a low sense of self-esteem and confidence in one’s abilities.

How you respond to a compliment is a good indicator of your sense of self-esteem and self-confidence

One can learn a lot about oneself and others from the way compliments are received or given. We may not realize it but an honest compliment when given with sincerity can make a big difference to both the giver and receiver.

Assertiveness is all about having the ability to respect and admit your self-worth when receiving compliments. It is also about respecting the worth of others when giving compliments.

It may not be all that easy though. We all have our cultural backgrounds, parental and school tutoring where we may have been taught that being confident of our abilities was a sign of arrogance, how being humble was more important and not to show off.

In some cultures, there is an instilled fear of the ‘Evil Eye’ – don’t be happy if others notice your achievement, you will have bad luck!

However, there is nothing in our backgrounds that tells us that we need to be aggressive or so meek that we cannot be honest, open and direct in our communications with others. Nothing that says we cannot accept our worth as well as that of others.

When you know you have done a good job, smile, be happy and graciously accept the compliment. Maybe give a return compliment, like “Thank You. I really appreciate your support.” The choices are endless.

The next time you find yourself displaying behavior that is not assertive, take a step back and ask yourself, where is it coming from? Which limiting belief is holding you back? Is it a fear or self-perceived weakness?

If you are aware of your fear or weakness, then practice the Confrontation Technique in my post Confront and Banish You Fears and Weaknesses Better yet, do the self-coaching exercise on

Sometimes it’s more a case of lack of self-confidence and this is covered in my Kindle book Self-Confidence in 8 Steps.

So, coming back to my original question, how do you receive compliments? Tell me about it in the comments box below!

Face The Monster

Sometime back I ran into a photographer friend and his 2 young guests at an art show. They were introduced as models. One of them was an outright exhibitionist who insisted on showing his bare- chest photographs to every lady present whether she wanted to see it or not. Ladies were running in every direction to avoid him.

The other was an aspiring model with a day job at a multinational firm and for all intents and purposes appeared decent.

So, when I was invited to become friends on Facebook, I accepted.

The beginning of my first and last Facebook Wall invasion

The young executive started to post his ‘model’ pictures on my Wall. He was posting faster than I could delete. A chat with my friend revealed the wannabe model had tagged along with the exhibitionist. He did not know him from Adam.

My time is a valued commodity and I spend only 15 minutes on Facebook in a day.

I started having concerns about the impression that a semi-nude guy with chains and whips would make on friends. Some of these friends go back to elementary school and they know me offline as well.

Tired of hitting the delete button, I Unfriended him in what had to be the shortest friendship ever. Friend had turned into Fiend. I was not having my Wall subjected to a narcissist invasion.

Thank God Facebook allows such safety measures!

Now Facebook does not inform people when they have been Unfriended.

I guess Fiend in the disguise of Friend found out when he tried to load the next batch of portfolio photographs. There were a few sheepish text messages which I ignored. I was furious and counting to 100 did not help.

One’s social network page is similar to your living room; it is your sacred space. Visitors are allowed in only by invitation. I was not taking on stress when I had power to control and be rid of the ill-mannered guest!

I thought I was a one-off case but recently learned of much worse invasions of Facebook Walls of friends with posts that really should not have been there, third party friends passing rude comments on their Walls and even marketing their products without the friend’s permission.

In some cases, people were being added to Groups that they didn’t even know about, and which were not relevant to them.

We are all in control mode now and reviewing and revising our privacy settings as a precautionary measure. There is enough going on in the world to create stress and social networking is meant to make us happy, not create angst.

There is something called Internet Etiquette and while one might forgive spammers, one does not forgive friends or connections.

For Facebook, in addition to the privacy, terms and conditions sections, I highly recommend going through the details in their Help Center. There used to be an Official Facebook Etiquette page which has now been changed.

It is quite easy to block people and forget about the nuisance but here are 2 tips that can help avoid getting to the point, where blocking and reporting SPAM become the only way out.

First things first, remember that it is your Wall

The bottom line is that your Facebook Wall is YOUR WALL which means that you control the content.

It means that you have the right to delete messages, pictures and anything else that you find inappropriate or offensive.  It is your sacred space, keep it that way.

Try simple deletes and a private message/phone call to the poster explaining your position. If the poster does not understand what you are saying, go ahead and block them or at least put in controls where your approval is required before a post is loaded on your Wall. Check your account settings and establish necessary controls.

You may not want to go to the extreme of Unfriend someone or blocking the Fiend invasion but yet want to control the content on your Wall.

In this case, you can block the person from posting on your Wall. Here is a great how –to –do-it link:

http://smallbusiness.chron.com/block-person-posting-facebook-wall-unfriending-28404.html.

Think twice before accepting Friend Requests from strangers

The second tip is a no-brainer but yes, it happens and then what?

You might have inappropriate photographs on your Wall, you may find posts that are really not you and again, what would your friends think?

It is a sad fact that there are people out there that have the idea that their status and popularity depend upon how many friends they have on Facebook.  They may not necessarily know many of their friends in real life. That is their self-esteem issue, not yours.

While it is possible to make new friends on Facebook especially if you belong to a group, try to find some common ground.  I have done that with great success and yes, we all took time to get to know each other and learn about our new friend’s boundaries.  We use the Inbox when required and do not air private matters on Walls.

Some people have this idea that the number of ‘friends’ you have in Facebook is a status indicator of your popularity in real-life. That may be true if these ‘friends’ are people whom one knows offline, and not strangers whom one randomly adds while browsing through the Facebook network.

Treat Facebook for what it is

It’s a social networking site with a purpose, not a mail order catalog where if you like a photograph, you befriend.

You can also accept requests through introductions from existing and real friends.

The Facebook experience should be fun and engaging but not in a manner that can upset or embarrass others.

Be aware at all times of the public nature of Facebook, take appropriate measures to protect your privacy and engage with friends to be a valuable part of their Facebook experience and yours too!

Which means, you too should not engage in any activity that can lead to being unfriended.

Instead use Facebook as a platform to network in a more casual environment.

Remember, if you take the ‘r’ out of Friend, you get a Fiend.

Do you have a Facebook Invasion story that you would like to share?

Do tell us about it and how you solved the problem.

Written By: Vatsala Shukla