When I wrote my account about the micro manager who we nicknamed Big Brother Cat and the team feeling like a galley of mice on a slave ship, I must have hit a nerve somewhere because it was a highly visited and read post. For sure each one of us has known one (maybe even 2 or 3) at some point of time in our careers.

The truth is, controlling bosses can slow us down and undermine our confidence. Nobody, and I mean nobody likes a boss or supervisor who second guesses our decisions and expects us to be available round the clock. It’s often a reason for employee attrition and one area that any manager can improve upon.

A professional who has been recently promoted to manager might indulge in micro-management at the beginning despite the leadership courses his employers might have sent him not because he’s a nasty person but in reality, there is a learning curve involved from making the shift from an Executive who executes to a Manager who manages.

The Art of Delegation has to be learned as is overcoming the fear that they might not be successful in their new role.

Then again, there are more experienced managers who still engage in micro-management like Big Brother Cat. I suspect in his case it was the feeling of a lack of control. His team was working more with the Technical Manager on the assignment, and he was reduced to doing a PR and Admin role.

The need to micromanage might also arise because the manager might have been let down in the past.

Perhaps he had worked for a micromanaging boss and having had no other role model, imbibed this style of management. It can also be caused by a deep sense of insecurity.

Whatever the root cause, it leads to low morale in the team and lowers productivity.

Some time back, one of my clients told me about a boss whom she reported to through her immediate boss who had become a monster. Not literally but the language in his emails had taken on a tone that she wasn’t used to and she started to wonder if she had done anything wrong?

She was working weekends to meet an important regulatory deadline and was throwing her work life balance out of gear for this deadline.

Fortunately she had shared details of the assignment with me during a previous coaching call and as an outsider I sensed what might be causing the Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde syndrome.

As a former Finance Director who had regulatory reporting requirements every quarter, I know the pressure to meet deadlines and report to the Board of Directors. Depending on the industry, there are key deliverables that are tied to the director’s remuneration, bonus and even job.

So, while the team might be working to the best of their ability, they are involved in a micro part of the delivery for which they are responsible but might not be aware of the big picture or how their work ties up to a bigger deliverable.

In such a case, a good boss would share the big picture with the team or at least his or her direct reports who would translate it down the line. Sometimes it happens and sometimes it doesn’t.

Either way, the top boss does experience a sense of not being in control and powerless and voila, micromanagement manifests.

This is documented in Drake Baer’s article, Bosses Micromanage When They Feel Powerless.

One of the best ways to overcome this is to keep them in the loop with regular progress reports or if there is a roadblock, talk to them to tap into their wealth of experience and get some much required guidance.

The minute my client started sending weekly reports, the top boss went back to being normal.

Overbearing management styles are all too common and counterproductive. Most employees say they’ve been micro-managed at some point in their career, and studies show that workers perform worse when they feel like they’re being watched.

If your boss is hovering over your shoulder, encourage them to give you more space. Try these steps to gain more freedom and still get along with your boss.

5 Steps you can take to reduce Micromanagement

Assess if your performance is part of the problem.

Do you show up on time and follow through on your responsibilities? Close supervision could be a rational response when an employee tends to be less than reliable. Start out by investigating whether you could be contributing to the situation.

Be proactive.

Once you’ve assured yourself that you’re on top of your work, you can turn your attention to how to cope with your boss’s management style. Just as my client figured out that the top boss needed weekly progress reports and her silence creating stress, identify their anxiety triggers and figure out your plan of action in advance. (Bonus reading: 9 Signs Your Boss Is a Micromanager—and How to Handle Them)

Coordinate with colleagues.

Chances are your co-workers experience the same issues you do. Coordinate your efforts to show your boss that they can trust you to pull together to overcome challenges even while they’re traveling or focusing on strategy.

Document your activities.

Logging your accomplishments creates a paper trail. Having your facts straight helps you to prove your worth and maintain your peace of mind. This step is crucial in case the micromanagement is not because of the reasons I’m stating in this post, but a tactic that is being used to demonstrate your incompetence and an exit from the company (yes, this too happens in corporate politics).

Seek intervention.

When appropriate, you may be able to consult others without alienating your boss. If senior management asks for feedback, let them know your supervisor’s good qualities in addition to changes that could help you do a better job. Your HR department or employee assistance program may also offer relevant advice.

7 Ways to Manage the Micromanager

It takes self-confidence and high emotional intelligence to tackle a nitpick boss and to ensure that your work doesn’t suffer because of it.

I call it the Manage the Manager method and share tactics to ensure that your work is noticed while making your boss look good in Get Noticed!

You need to take charge of the situation before it takes charge of you and requires you polish your Emotional Intelligence skills.

Being proactive and empathetic will transform your relationship with a micromanaging boss. Learn to collaborate as a team, or at least maintain harmony. You’ll enjoy more autonomy as a result.

Here’s how I would do it.

1. Provide updates. Frequent status reports keep your boss informed without their having to ask. Assure them that things are running smoothly.
2. Build rapport and create a personal connection. Respect and compassion enhance any working relationship. Remind yourself of what you like about your boss. Make time for small talk and sharing common interests. A strong foundation will make any disagreement easier to handle.
3. Create more opportunities. Is your boss interfering with your work because they don’t have a full plate of their own? Add value by presenting them with public speaking opportunities and sales leads. Helping your boss to shine is a smart way to advance your own career.
4. Clarify your role. Listen closely to your boss and observe their behavior. That way you can understand their preferences and anticipate their needs. Maybe they like booking their own travel arrangements. Maybe they care more about employees following instructions than taking initiative.
5. Ask for feedback. Find out what your boss is thinking. Ask questions about what results they’re looking for and how you’re measuring up. Pinpoint strengths you can build on and changes that they would like to see.

Reinforce any positive interactions by letting your boss know how much you appreciate their efforts when you’re allowed to take charge of a project or find your own approach. Tell them that you enjoy working with them and that they’re helping you to contribute more.

We’ve all experienced micromanaging supervisors in our career and good professionals learn over time to mitigate the adverse effects of the Big Brother Cat Manager.

What micro-manager managing tips can you offer?

Every Monday, I post a quote on Motivation on Karmic Ally Coaching’s Business Page on Facebook. The image above is an example of one that I posted using a favorite hash tag – #MondayMotivation

It reflects something that many of us are too scared to claim – our unique Point of View (POV).

Point of View is a statement that sums up what we deeply believe about our subject. It’s your opinion and what you want the world to know about you and your stand.

We may not use the exact words of our POV in our daily words but it should be something that is reflected in the way we see and approach the world and in our actions.

When you create a Life Stance Manifesto, you are giving voice to your views.

Your POV shows up everywhere – your conversations with family, friends, colleagues, customers and even in your social media activity.

Try this experiment. The next time you log onto Facebook check your newsfeed for updates and the interactions on them. Check one of your updates and see who liked or loved it and who left a comment.

Most probably they’ll be people with whom you have a lot in common and who share your views.

This is true even of friends who never tire of sharing cat and dog photos and who are most probably animal lovers will have their own friends liking and commenting on the photo.

On the other hand, try LinkedIn updates and see what happens. When it comes to professionals topics, you’ll find some people endorsing the post and others who might not know the person who has posted it adding their own spin and a different view.

We need to embrace our unique POV but also respect that of others (which incidentally is a sign of strong Emotional Intelligence).

Even if the opinions of others are not the same as ours, all dialogue should be done with courtesy, an open mind, tact, and remembering to align our words and actions with our ethics, integrity and beliefs – all components of a strong point of view.

Your POV sets you apart from other people who do similar work and helps you to stand out from the crowd. It’s your unique angle on a particular topic.

It’s not something that you can be coached or trained to create. Although a coach or trainer can help you move away from trite hackneyed statements that you might create by copying someone else’s.

It’s something that you believe about yourself, your work, your expertise or your subject.

It’s the preamble in my Meet Your Coach page on my website and isn’t some slick set of sentences written by a copywriter but one that was developed after spending hours working on what I truly believed and wanted to hold as the North Star for my business and myself.

My own point of view finds expression on my website, blog and on Social Media.

Nothing is impossible if you are willing to step out of your comfort zone and take action to achieve what your heart truly desires.

That’s why the majority of my blog posts and updates always show lots of how to do things or attempt to prompt you to think.

How to develop a robust Point of View

Here’s an interesting fact. Back in school, when you were writing a book report agonizing over first, second and third perspective or a paper in college; you were being really being asked to present your point of view. Even if it did not feel so at the time.

You might have picked up opinions about the book or topic from elsewhere and presented it in a perfect manner only to have your teacher or professor ask you about what you really thought.

That is what having a point of view is about.

Figuring out what your own opinion is can be challenging when you’re deeply immersed in the opinions of other people.

This can range from what a group of friends should eat in a restaurant all the way to our political and spiritual views.

In this post, we’ll look at how you can approach topics with an objective mind, and how you can work out what you really think about something or even life and work in general.

1. Read widely and on diverse topics

The first and most crucial point about forming your own opinions is that it’s vital to read widely – and consider what you read critically, looking for holes in arguments.

Reading books outside of our professional interest or of other genres helps to stimulate the mind to look at things from a different perspective and establish our own unique viewpoint.

It fuels our imagination and when we can look and think beyond what is in front of us, we get an opportunity to understand ourselves better. It opens the door to further thinking about other perspectives and views on the same topic.

Do we agree with other views or do we have a different one?

2. Consider and take into account any personal biases that you have

Perhaps calling it biases is harsh but the truth is our backgrounds, upbringing and experiences shape how we view the world and how we respond to it.

I still remember the day Mr Bob introduced Karl Marx to his first year undergraduate class for Politics 101 back in the University of the West Indies. It is something I will never forget because his prophecy came true.

To lightly paraphrase

“Ladies and gentlemen in the class, I am now going to introduce you to a man and his philosophy that will inspire you till the end of your graduate years but when you step out into the real world and start looking for a job, you will also realize that capitalism will feed your starving belly.”

We were all in awe of Mr. Bob and as he predicted, a herd of Marxists was born, who argued with everybody and quoted stuff like ‘religion being the opium of the poor’.

Our view of the world and the establishment became biased because our friend Karl Marx’s point of view had captured our young imagination.

My parents found it amusing putting it down to youthful exuberance but must have been relieved that we were at that time, halfway across the world from my grandparents in India, who would have had a fit hearing me talk like that.

We transformed into capitalists 6 months after graduating because we had to earn a livelihood and those principles really didn’t work unless you were in a completely socialist setting. The fact that the USSR disintegrated a few years later and India went in for liberalization only proves the point.

As I learned through this experience, when it comes to finding your true opinions, you need to overcome bias by assessing the evidence behind the opinion, the facts as they stand and force yourself to look at things objectively.

3. Maintain a journal or blog

Writing a journal helps us to articulate our thoughts clearly. Whenever an independent thought comes to mind, write it down. You may end up finding something that contradicts your thought, but this is all part of the process of reaching your own conclusions.

Another good way to discover your true point of view is to start a blog. Sharing your views with others will lead to comments from those who either support your view or provide a different view altogether that might lead you to assess your original ideas.

When we understand other’s point of view, it enables us to express our own in language that they would feel comfortable with and thus willing to listen to us too.

Final advice to help create your unique view point

While developing your point of view, remember that having unique ideas is not the same as articulating it properly to others.

You have to present them in a fair-minded and rational way taking into account that the other person is intelligent and has his or her own experiences that they will use to evaluate your stand and point of view.

You will need to demonstrate the strength of your point of view using the skills of reasoning, evidence and persuasion. Your arguments to support your opinion will appeal to others if they are presented with reason, ethics and emotion.

Be ready to support your claims with specific instances and concrete facts to appeal to the other person’s common sense and rational thinking.

Fluffy stuff won’t work and misrepresenting facts will be counterproductive. At no time should any of your actions or words give others a doubt about your principles, integrity or character.

The goal of stating our point of view is to get others to consider it with an open mind. It isn’t a contest with a gold medal at the end and using unethical means is the best way to ruin your credibility and reputation.

Communicating our point of view is not a unilateral activity. It helps to understand the other person’s point of view or sentiments to enable us to present our opinion on a matter in a way that will appeal to their logic too.

Getting others to buy into your point of view requires impacting them at an emotional level, which is what happened with our class of undergraduates when we discovered Karl Marx.

On a bigger world stage, it was Gandhi’s argument for Home Rule that the Indian population found appealing and they followed him.

When the Jallianwalla Bagh Massacre took place and Mahatma Gandhi declared it was time for full independence, the nation followed his call to action.

The rest is history but the essential point is, Gandhi had applied the 3 keys of appealing to his audience – reason, ethics and emotions.

Your turn now.

Do you have a point of view on topics that are important to you? Do you see how it affects your view of the world?

Share your feelings and findings with me in the comments box below.

Once you have a point of view, you need to articulate it in the right way to be seen as an influential leader. That’s why it’s equally important to develop your Signature Voice. Click here to learn more or on the image below.

Effective leaders and managers know the value of time and utilize this precious resource effectively and efficiently to create results.

Things can go haywire when our productivity is dependent on others. That is what happened with this particular client of mine.

During a recap of the previous week’s action plan with a client of mine, a new problem surfaced which he had not associated with the original need to get a grip with his time mismanagement.  

A hardworking individual who managed to fit in a lot during the course of the day, but still wondered where his day went, there was utter chaos. Our common goal was to bring order back into his day so that he had a chance to step back and look at the big picture like a true business owner and leader.

A whole session of brainstorming with 22 action points was produced. The client was given the option to implement any 3 of them based on his own priorities and what he thought he could achieve.  One of the actions he chose was the To Do List.

A week later, he was able to confirm that the days when he prepared his To Do list were much better and more productive for him. He was directed to celebrate and give himself a pat on the back.

But by Friday of the week, he had slipped from the wagon. He hadn’t prepared the list since his Thursday had been a day from hell.

Even with a robust To Do list, why did the day become so bad?

There were many reasons, which included putting in too many things for action.

But more importantly, there were tasks that had to be urgently completed. The employee responsible for preparing it had not done it. The excuse?

He had other things to do compelling him to go into a firefighting mode at 6 pm since the documents had to be submitted to a statutory authority.

This brings me to the point for this week on two aspects of efficient time management:

Firstly, the number of tasks on a To Do list should never be more than 8 or 10 unless the tasks can be completed quickly. More than 12 in a day is a sure way to fail and the associated feelings are not worth it.

Secondly, where a particular task requires inputs from others, make sure that the other person knows the necessity of his input to get the task done.

What may be an urgent and important task for you may be an urgent but not important task for the other person who will find ways to be busy with less important tasks which are worth doing but which are low on the priority list for you.

This is the combination of the arts of delegation and assertive behavior.

In other words, the strategy for time management where your success depends upon others requires, they be made aware of their responsibility to get the job done.  Be more specific, give timelines and THEN follow up at the specific appointed time.

Do not sit down to do the task yourself but insist that it be done. Your subordinate or colleague or even family member may slip up a couple of times but the message that you are being firm and assertive will get through.

Assertiveness is a key ingredient in this type of time management.  

Instead of doing the task, you have a talk with the other person. Do not ask why the task was not done, which would put the other party on the defensive.  Excuses such as ‘I was busy doing other things’ or ‘Sorry, I made a mistake’ will only provoke you into further frustration and reaction which you might not like when the dust has settled.

Instead, say ‘This document/report/letter had to have gone out by the end of today. What exactly stopped you from completing the task?

The answer could be anything from their not realizing the importance or even that someone else had delegated a task to them with a clearer sense of urgency.  Worse still, they might know that if they delay it long enough, they won’t have to do it since you will get around to it.

In the meantime, reassess your method of delegation. Give clear and concise instructions and set deadlines. Having been assertive, stick to your guns no matter what the provocation.

More importantly, the message that you are sending out will be clear.

As you can see, my client’s efforts at time management hit a roadblock when it came to managing others to manage his own time and he had to set up boundaries and conditions while delegating tasks.

What barriers come up for you when your productivity is dependent on other colleagues?

Are you a career professional, independently practicing professional, consultant, or freelancer who’s overwhelmed with all the tasks you need to complete during the day?

If yes, then you need to check out this course

5 Simple steps to win your Time Management Challenge

This post originally appeared on my blogger blog back in August 2011 and has since been updated for relevance.

Written By: Vatsala Shukla

In my post on building a positive reflex for career success, I shared the fact that while co-workers and bosses gave Gravitas a 67% score in evaluating Executive Presence, Communication or how we speak accounted for 28% of the score.

I’ve gone further into the need of a powerful vocabulary for exuding Executive Presence and a Professional Brand and covered some of the words that one should avoid.

But there’s more to our words and how we use them to communicate than we might realize.

Effective communication lies at the heart of assertive behavior and using your Signature Voice raises your presence.

Apart from your body language and tone of voice, the use of wrong words, or ‘poison phrases’ can alienate people for a lifetime.

One such word is using ‘You’ when communicating unless the intention is to alienate the other person.

Ever considered if you are inadvertently alienating people with the ‘You’ word?

How the You word wrecked agonizing havoc for a little girl

This is a real story about how ‘You’ created a lot of problems for a young girl.

Years ago, when my sister and I were at residential school, there was a student in my sister’s group – not because of any shared interests but simply because this set of students had joined school and grade at the same time and were yet to completely integrate with the class which had known each other since nursery.

The student who shall remain nameless managed to alienate the other members of the Group and damage control took place much later during Founder’s Day when her Mom came to the school and helped mend fences.

The girls called her a bully and rude. Her favorite phrases were full of ‘You’ and words like angry, irritate and annoy. Her conversations went along the lines of

Alka, you irritate me

Arti, you annoy me

Bhavna, you make me angry

And then walking away without giving the recipient of the message a chance to talk.

The first few times it happened with my sister, I told her to let it go. Maybe her friend was upset and not able to express herself. Then I told her to seek clarification, similar to Fogging the Critic or one of my favorite approaches to get specifics by Stun Gunning the Meanie.

The tactics didn’t work. Each time, her friend walking off in a huff.

Shortly after, I observed the girl was lonely and lost. She was labeled Aggressive and nobody wanted to talk to her or even sit with her at the dining table until the Founder’s Day event where parents are invited. Her Mom along with the other parents did the needful to facilitate the patch up.

When I look back, I realize she might have been overly assertive and her words did not quite communicate her message the way my pet friend Miss Coco, who’s an effective communicator extraordinaire does.

Had she moderated her words, this post might have had a different angle.

Assertive phrases are always better for effective communication

Assertiveness means being honest & calm and comes from a place of respect and trust.

It means communicating your viewpoint whether in words or deeds from a place of self-assurance, not fear of the other or the desire to dominate.

It means being mindful of what you are saying or doing and owning your communication.

We often don’t realize the effect that our words have on others or how it makes them feel. So in this case, when the girl was saying, for example, “Arti, you annoy me”, she made Arti feel confused and left wondering what she had done wrong.

Such phrases are also called “poison phrases” for the damage that they cause. A better way to get the same message across is to clarify the verb being used and the use of “I”. In other words, express how YOU are feeling. So to rephrase

When you pick your nose Arti, I feel annoyed

Leave room for dialogue, it helps in the long run.

Other assertive tips include being specific and not making sweeping generalizations. So be mindful of using words like always and never. Be honest and accurate; give examples of a specific behavior.

Honest and accurate descriptions also go a long way to maintain relationships. In the student’s case, her ex-friends judged her based on her behavior and labeled her aggressive.

Instead of having judged her, an honest and accurate description of her behavior which could have mended fences earlier would have been “she makes hurtful comments when we talk.”

Ever put your foot in your mouth and alienated friends with the word ‘You’? If the answer is yes, then try out the tips for size and come back to share your experience. 

Talking of vocabulary and assertiveness, are you demonstrating Executive Presence. Download Karmic Ally Coaching’s Executive Presence Checklist and mini ecourse here or by clicking the below image. It’s on the house!

Written by: Vatsala Shukla

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Photo Credit: Cat and Mouse by Vince Mig

Have you ever had a critical boss, colleague or “friend” who has managed to put you down in such a manner that no one noticed it apart from you?

Think hard, has there ever been a time when you have been receiving so-called constructive criticism or well-wisher advice that has left you knotted in the stomach?

Or confused you when you replayed the conversation wondering whether your response was adequate and appropriate to the situation?

Do You recognize Passive-Aggressive Communication when it’s staring you in the face?

Quite possibly you have been subjected to Passive-Aggressive communication with mixed messages that can easily trip even the most assertive individual.

This style of indirect communication is quite destructive. It’s often not easy to identify as the body language may not match the tone or choice of words.

Sometimes the comment may be funny or full of sarcasm. Warning bells should sound if you are receiving mixed messages which are leaving you confused or making you resentful.

You might be dealing with a toxic colleague.

Then it is time to take action before your self-confidence takes a hit.

One example that I remember from my teen years happened to a friend which illustrates the point.

On hearing that statement she was completely stunned – was it a compliment or a jibe?

Hours of girl-talk later, we were not sure but felt it was criticism and knew she should have responded. If only we had known, about the assertiveness skill of fogging to diffuse criticism and prevent conflict.

How to master the assertiveness skill of fogging

Fogging is based on agreeing with your critic like a fog bank. Here, we look at the criticism as feedback accepting that it is only that person’s opinion. Your own opinion about yourself is the one that matters.

But what if there is some truth in what the other person is saying, however sloppily it is communicated?

Instead of launching into a defensive attack or arguing, would it not be more productive to try to get to the root of what is being communicated?

With fogging you acknowledge what the critic is saying or some part of it which may be true.

You may not agree with what is being said as relating to you, but you agree with the possibility that what they say is true.

In other words, you absorb the criticism without getting defensive. You stay calm, leading to further dialogue as the other person feels they have been heard.

You can also ask the critic to clarify their assertion thus putting the burden on the critic to explain themselves.

Don’t be surprised if the critic backs off.

It is quite exhausting to continue criticizing someone who is not reacting in the manner the critic would like.

In my friend’s case the options would have been:

1. If she felt, there was some truth in the statement. You’re right, my eyes do take attention away from the acne on my cheeks

2. If she didn’t agree with the criticism but was willing to admit to the possibility of the critic being right. Sometimes my eyes and other features do deflect attention away from the acne on my cheeks

3. If she didn’t agree with the criticism, she could simply admit to the principle of the criticism. Sometimes it helps to have other features to cover for the flaws on a person’s face

Past the absorption stage the next step would have been to ask for clarifications. Like, what should one do about the acne?

My friend might have learned something useful about acne treatment or better yet, the critic might have backed off!

In such a situation, which option would you use? 

PS. Carrying off this assertive technique requires self-assurance and confidence. If you feel you need help in that area, please do check out my Kindle book – Self Confidence in 8 Steps.

Know someone who is suffering from criticism and needs a strategy to tackle the aggressor? Please share this post with them using the share buttons below. Thanks!

Written By: Vatsala Shukla

Receiving feedback or constructive criticism, yes but being criticized?

Emphatic NO!

Bossy feedback

By being too critical, the message is lost on the receiver who hears the bad parts and goes into defensive mode.

Even if there is some truth in the criticism, it gets lost in the communication. Instead of improved performance, conflicts grow which only hamper productivity both for the individual and the organization.

The Boss who excelled in Monday Morning Bashing

The other nice thing about Manager was that he was democratic in meting out Monday Morning Bashing. The team was bonded by confusion and analysis sessions post bashing.

I leave it to the reader to figure out how productive our Mondays were!

Somewhere along the line, Manager must have learned about sandwiching criticism, so the dialogue would have gone like this.

Manager “Good morning, You did a great job getting out the report on Friday”

Subordinate “Thank you, I did my best”

Manager “You met the deadline, but it was the worst report I have ever read. It is blah blah. Everyone says it is this that and the other” (and lots of generalizations)

Subordinate (In stunned silence trying to figure out what is being said)

Manager “Well, do better next time. Keep up the good work”.

The above dialogue is a sanitized version of what actually used to happen.

When I joined the department, I was stunned the first few times and coped thanks to the camaraderie of old veterans of Monday Morning Bashing who were supportive. I was advised to ignore it and just focus on my work.

Going to Human Resources was not considered an option because Manager exercised great clout with the higher ups. Those who could not handle it left for greener pastures.

I must have gotten out from the wrong side of my bed one Monday

Because I found my voice during my allotted session. Saturated beyond my limits, I asked a simple question

“What exactly have I done wrong? Please give me an example”

Manager flustered and went into generalizations but by now I was not in the mood to let go.

Politely but firmly, I kept repeating my request, like a broken record, for specific examples.

I think Manager got the message because my sessions were always shorter and sometimes, I did get feedback for improvement. Others who followed the same method noticed the difference in their sessions too.

The Art of Negative Inquiry to Tackle Criticism

We had stumbled upon the art of using negative inquiry to tackle criticism.

In other words, we wanted to hear more negative talk.

We were willing to listen but retained the right to agree or disagree.

Tired of listening to vague and obtuse criticism, we wanted to get to the specifics of any problem and then deal with the problem.

Negative inquiry is an assertiveness skill. It has you do exactly the opposite of what you naturally feel like doing in the face of criticism.

Instead of going on the defensive, you try to get to the real issue which is bothering the criticizer.

A good strategy is to firstly listen to the criticism.

Then absorb it by either agreeing with the criticism or the principle.  After that, seek clarifications without getting upset or going on the defensive.

Could you please give me a specific example?

Please tell me more; I want to understand this better

What specifically/exactly did I do?

When asked to offer clarification, the criticizer has to step back and take on the burden of explaining himself better.

Like Fogging, the critic might actually back off since it is quite exhausting to continue criticizing someone who is not reacting in the manner the critic would like.

It might also lead to getting more information to reach the crux of the matter and finding a solution with minimum conflict and bad blood, especially if you are dealing with a boss who is a micro-manager.

Have you experienced the Monday Morning Basher treatment? How would you suggest an employee handle it? 

Being Assertive is easier when you have a good sense of self-confidence and high self-esteem. You will learn this in my Kindle book Self Confidence in 8 Steps.

Learn more about this Self-Help Book by clicking the image of the book below. The book is available in all Amazon markets.

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For more details, check out my full disclosure in this website’s Privacy Statement (there is also a link at the bottom of every page)

A few months back, I was watching a children’s television show with my nephew about Indian folk tales in cartoon form. The story is one that even features in the Osho Zen Tarot Card deck as the explanation for the Major Arcana card called Conditioning.

It’s about a lion that was brought up by a herd of sheep and even thought he was one.

In the television version, the lion even wore a sheep skin and made sounds like a sheep, sharing their habitat and eating grass.

Then one fine day, an old lion that was passing by saw the sheep-lion and literally forces him to see his reflection in the forest pond. 

At that moment, the sheep-lion awakens to his identity and lets out a huge roar that resounds throughout the jungle. Leaves fall, birds fly away, the deer go scampering and the rest as they say is history.

I’d say the lion found his Gravitas!

Looking at it in modern day context, quite a few of us get caught in a herd mentality.

We forget there is a difference between personality and individuality.

It’s an indicator of low Self-Awareness and consequently low Emotional Intelligence.

We adopt a personality based on others’ perceptions and externals instead of looking within and finding our true voice – Our Roar.

The 2 Life Direction Choices Before Us

This story brings out the two choices that we have for direction in life.

We can either go along with the majority of society without thinking for ourselves. It is easier not to take decisions and responsibility for the quality of our lives.

Or we can choose to break free of conditioning and be guided by our inner Higher Source of wisdom. 

A person who is tuned into one’s Higher Source or God-Mind will find that they will be intuitively self-directed to rely on that intuitive self-direction from a Higher Source.

The many benefits of choosing to turn to the Higher Source

When one embraces guidance from one’s Higher and true self, the decisions that we make are the right ones for achieving the purpose of our soul in this lifetime.

Letting go of personal egotism, we also let go of our illusions. Thus, becoming more aware of ourselves and our surroundings. 

Focusing on externals alone can get us caught in judgments whereas turning inwards to our Higher Mind by maintaining a positive and peaceful attitude at the surface part of one’s consciousness through the practice of meditation, visualization, prayer and affirmation will enable us to raise the right vibrations in the atmosphere for our Higher Mind to more readily influence us through intuition. 

While the directions for affirmations, prayer and visualization are simple and can easily be learned by reading self-help books, it is the student who has to be prepared to let go of any previous conditioning.

The student must seek to listen to his/her Inner Voice and committed not to let personal ego and emotion corrupt the guidance messages received.

Making changes however may at times require being shown our reflection in the mirror either by our well-wishers or a guide.

This is perhaps where the old lion came into the story. To be the catalyst that changed the sheep-lion into a real lion!

But there’s more to just realizing that we need to step into our authentic power. Once we have the wake-up call, it’s time to answer our Call to Adventure. This Kindle book will guide you on your transformation journey – guaranteed!

 ROAR!

Once you’ve found your Roar, it’s equally important that others become aware of it, whether in your business or workplace. That’s where you’ll find this Executive Presence Tutorial useful.

Lion Roar by Lee Wag

Image by Heri Santoso from Pixabay

Written By: Vatsala Shukla

We all know a bully or two. Every so often, we meet people who make comments and we are stunned to the extent that we don’t know how to respond. It could be a simple remark about your attire or even a derogatory comment.

It could also be a toxic boss or co-worker in the office.

Stumped in the moment, have you ever rewound the situation after the event? Played out what you could have said or how you could have acted?

Bullies or meanies, as I like to call them are essentially cowards or folks trying to raise their own self esteem by putting others down.

Important lesson from when I handled a bully in kindergarten

I remember as a kindergartner in New York, there was a meanie in my class. The good news was that she bullied everyone. The bad news was I got more than my fair share of nasty hurtful comments. 

None of the parents took our complaints seriously. Stacy (name changed) was absolutely angelic when the parents were around.

In fact she had a wonderful mother who in spite of being a working mother helped out at the kiddie events the school organized for us.

On one occasion things got out of hand and I turned to my father whom I considered an authority.

Instead of promising to talk to the class teacher, he told me I had to learn to stand up for myself. He suggested I first find out from her why I was being given the special treatment. 

In retrospect, I was being taught to first identify the root of the problem and then find a solution.

It took tremendous courage on my part but the next time she hit out at me, with great trepidation, I asked her, “What is it about me that you don’t like?”

Stacy the bully was stumped and ran off blustering incoherent words.

We did talk later about the root cause of her particular attention to me. Her parents were divorced, and she only met her father for a few days during the holidays. Her anger against me was because my father dropped me off to school every morning. 

I told her my father was a busy person and the morning walk to school was the only time I really saw him during the week.  Stacy melted a bit when she heard I was in bed by the time he returned from work. 

The happy ending to this story was that she targeted another kid and left me alone. 

3 Questions guaranteed to stun the Bully

Looking back, that was a lesson in assertiveness for me.  By asking for a clarification, we force the aggressor to back off while buying us time to think of an assertive response.  It is a far better technique than becoming defensive or crying.

So calmly ask the person who makes a derogatory remark

“What is it about my suggestion/idea/comment that you find ridiculous?’

“Can you tell me what it is about me that you find unacceptable?

“What is it about me that you don’t like?”

If the other person is targeting you to vent their frustrations, they will have to think twice.

Quite possibly, there is something in your behavior that is upsetting them and they are having trouble being articulate. This might be the beginning of clarification and change of behavior; theirs, yours or even both.

In my experience, the inability to handle mean people or bullies is often a reflection of lack of confidence in ourselves.

That’s where my Kindle book Self Confidence in 8 Steps is a valuable resource to help you build your self-esteem and confidence (learn more here).

Ever had to deal with a meanie? How did you approach the situation?

Additional Resources to handle Toxic People and especially Bullies 

Detox Your Toxic Workplace – The Savvy Professional’s Guide to handling the Toxic Boss or Colleague with Confidence. 

Update April 2024: This course is available at Karmic Ally Coaching’s Success Solutions.

Emotionally Intelligent People don’t bully others. They possess 10 traits that help them stand out from others.

Find out if you have them with this free checklist.

This post was originally published in May 2012 and updated in October 2026 for relevance and value to the reader.