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Toxic people are bad enough but what if it is your boss?
It’s amazing how little things bring back memories one thought were long forgotten. Earlier this month a connection back at LinkedIn asked a question related to feelings when a boss demeans us.
I shared my experience and how I made sure I was never that kind of a boss. Sometimes a negative role model helps us define our leadership style by providing a stark contrast.
Fortunately I never suffered from sexual harassment in my corporate world days but I did have a boss who harassed me enough to bring me to the verge of a heart attack.
I have since learned that a bad boss can be bad for your heart as per Gallup.
Not because I wasn’t good at my job but a new boss often wants to bring in their own people and will go to no end to achieve their goal.
That’s a normal occurrence in the corporate world and I was lucky that my employer wanted to keep me so transferred me to another division.
They also had policies on harassment and whistle blowing that were applied in all their global offices.
When I look back at the incident I realize that the boss was actually bullying me.
In future employments I always checked the employer’s policies. It was an important factor in my accepting a job offer.
Coming back to demonic boss, I was assertive and remember asking him the 3 questions that flustered him. I guess the shock of having his power questioned must have caused it. 🙂
You can use the same technique that I’ve shared in my blog post How to Handle a Bully? You Need to Stun Gun the Meanie
Then a few days back, I was having a conversation with a friend about toxic bosses and work environment and our war stories from the corporate world. We joked that we must have had stickers on our foreheads giving permission to be harassed.
I remembered demonic boss and realized that in addition to being a bully, his actions ruined the ambiance in the department with a team that had otherwise worked well with each other turning into a bunch of backstabbers.
Since the team interacted with people outside the department, their activities were noticed by everyone.
Fortunately, my division was independent and when I had to interact with my old team, they were decent enough to give me the required respect and refrain from involving me in the new games that were being played.
Toxic bosses can do more damage and it isn’t surprising that professionals often leave their jobs due to them – a finding confirmed by Gallup.
The truth is, toxic people are just a part of life. We’ve all been faced with them and it’s likely that every one of us has allowed a toxic person to get the better of us.
Unfortunately, these toxic people seem to attach themselves to reasonable people or those who they feel are weak or emotionally vulnerable.
We all have at least one of them in our social (or professional) circle. In a perfect world, you could simply cut them out and walk away. Unfortunately, not every situation is as simple as ghosting someone or cutting them out.
Apart from October being the Prevention of Bullying Month, it is also Mental Health Awareness Month.
What I want to share with you today is relevant to both.
The damage that toxic people can do isn’t always obvious.
In fact, the damage is subtle. You start to question yourself, believing that perhaps you’re over-sensitive or reacting poorly. You question your own feelings and opinions.
It’s important that you recognize harmful behavior and know how to minimize its impact.
It’s just as important to understand that you cannot change their behavior, you can’t change toxic people.
The first step to managing toxic people is understanding what it is that makes them view you as a soft target or prey.
Please remember that this doesn’t mean you are to blame. However, there is something about you that has caused this person to latch on.
Perhaps it’s because you’re too nice to put your foot down, it could be fear or something else. So, think about what it is about you that could potentially invite toxic people to try and take advantage of you.
Now, let’s take a look at some common tactics of toxic people and how you can manage them.
Toxic People know how to play Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde with panache
In other words, they keep you guessing by blowing hot and cold.
You never know which version of this person will appear. One day they are the nicest person on the planet and the next, they act as though you have stolen a prized possession.
There is no obvious explanation as to why their attitude has changed, you just recognize that it has. You can ask what’s wrong, but they’ll tell you there’s nothing wrong. You might even make excuses for their behavior.
My 2 cents? Don’t try to please toxic people. They know exactly what they’re doing and will have you jumping through hoops. Leave them alone and approach them if their mood changes.
You don’t control their feelings, nor are you responsible for them. If you have genuinely done something to hurt someone, then you can apologize and talk about it. A toxic person will keep you guessing, and that’s not helpful.
Toxic People are Masters in the Art of Manipulation
Do you feel like you’re the only person who is actively contributing to a relationship? Then, you might be right.
Toxic people are adept at manipulating people into making others into believing that you owe them. They’re also incredibly good at doing things that hurt you but selling it as an attempt to help.
This is something that often occurs in a professional environment. The toxic person makes out as though they are doing you a massive favor, but what they’re really doing is putting you in an impossible situation and acting as though it’s to your benefit.
Trying to use logic with a toxic person is like trying to win a boxing match with a kangaroo who’s bent the rules. You’re going to get knocked out because the referee won’t even know rules are being subtly broken.
Don’t fall for this, you don’t owe anyone and if someone acts like they’re doing you a favor, but it doesn’t feel like one… then, it isn’t.
Toxic People don’t own their own Feelings
Instead of taking ownership of their own feelings, these guys are great at projecting their thoughts and feelings onto others. In this situation, it’s you.
They feel angry, but instead of owning that they accuse you of being the angry one. They will force you to prove yourself.
Just remember this, you don’t need to justify or deal with an accusation that is clear projection. You’ll know when it’s happening because you will find yourself constantly defending yourself against accusations that make no sense.
Developing your self-awareness plays an important role in self-protection.
While tactics and strategies to deal with toxic people and bullies can be dished out by the barrel, these are responses to triggers.
There’s a better way to handle this.
An emotionally intelligent person will pick up the vibes faster and take preventive action. They don’t wait for unpleasant things to happen. They have a high degree of self-awareness and take control of the situation to prevent it from affecting them adversely.
If this is an area that you are aware needs improvement, then my digital resource How to Develop Emotional Intelligence with Ease will help.
I believe you deserve to lead a happy successful life and the guide has 3 awesome bonus resources. You’re getting the entire package at an unbelievable price of $37. Check out my special offer here.
Update 18 April 2022 and 2024:
If you need more specific guidance, then check out my course Detox your Toxic Workplace that looks at both toxic bosses, colleagues and gives resilience building exercises here or by clicking the image below. This course has moved to Karmic Ally Coaching Success Solutions in April 2024 and links have been updated.
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I have encountered some toxic people in my life and the best way is to keep away from them. Your post reminded me of them, good article Vatsala.
Thanks Jayashree. I agree the best way is often to keep away from toxic people and maintain our emotional health.
I had a toxic boss once. It was horrible and before I ‘woke up’. I wish that on no one. Thank goodness, I don’t have to put up with that anymore. Removing yourself from toxic situations are vital to your health-mentally, emotionally AND physically. Thank you so much for sharing your experience Vatsala!
Very true,Crystal. Run to the hill and put as much distance as you can from toxic people and situations if you value self-preservation.
Vatsala, this is such an important and hard topic, but you’ve tackled it so well. Most of us at some point have been in this situation, as we all have had jobs of some sort in our life times. So naturally I have been in this situation too. I was so young, in my twenties, just learning the ways of the world..and here I was being bullied by this corporate boss. It was crazy, but I handled it. Of course I blamed myself in the beginning only to realize later that this boss treated everyone like that, yes even his own family! So I knew then and there that no matter what I do, it will never be enough. Hence did the best I could at the time and left for greener pastures the first chance I got 🙂 Its hard to grow in toxicity.
It is hard to grow in toxicity, Zeenat. As I mentioned in my reply to Barb Parcells, many women end up going into self-employment. I often wonder if these toxic bosses realize their mistake in old age, when nobody is there for them because of the way they’ve treated others.
Thank you for sharing your experience, we never know who needs to know it to find strength to get out of toxic environments.
I think what bothers me the most these days is that I still hear from women who say they are afraid to stand up to their bosses and toxic co-workers because they desperately need their job to support their family. In this day and age, after years and years or working for women’s rights, I thought we’d be a lot further along than this.
It’s sad but true, Barb. Many of the women who consult me have a similar issue and are afraid to stand up to their bosses and colleagues because they need the job. In the instances where they have approached the HR Department, the kind of support they expected hasn’t been forthcoming. In one instance the lady miscarried and when she found herself expecting again, her husband insisted she quit. There’s also the fear that if they stand up, they might have trouble getting another job. Sometimes that’s a trigger for going into self-employment.
Oh my… Vatsala, this article brought back so many horrific memories of my last corporate employer and the manager that sucked the life out of me. The manager that I worked under was the pro of professional manipulators. The owners loved her until they caught on that she was more toxic than themselves.
It was a hard experience to endure, but I learned a lot about my strengths and weaknesses. I also learned that a job is a job is a job and I can leave on my own terms.
Thank you for shedding light on this difficult topic and encouraging people to see the signs of a toxic environment. A job is a job is a job.
Sounds like your employers created a monster toxic employee who was more lethal than them, Cindy. 🙂 You’ve highlighted a very important point that many professionals forget when they are caught in this situation and give over their power- the presence of Free Will and the fact that a job is a job is a job.
Thank you for sharing this and bringing light to this situation. Handling any situation with dignity and grace is the best way to go. Hopefully by doing that we also leave a positive lasting impression allowing for change.
It’s the lasting impression that encourages others to stand up for themselves, Heather. Spot on!
Interesting post. I recently spent time in an environment that, while not quite toxic, was a lot more aggressive than I typically deal with these days. My first, best tactic was one you suggest here: to quickly figure out how I was a “soft target” and quickly remedy those red flags.
Remedying red flags at the earliest is the safest and best way to stop further aggressive or even passive aggressive attacks, Andrea. Well done!
This brought back memories for me too. Years ago, I worked for a toxic person who destroyed our department one person at a time. I am the only one that survived and thrived after his dismissal. It was a terrible time and wiykd leave work and cry in the car on the way home but I was the only one who stood up to him and I too check the policies before accepting an offer. Thank you for this great article!
Thank you for sharing your experience with the toxic boss, Kathleen. These people do a lot of harm and need to be stood up to but in a manner that doesn’t aggravate the situation or drag us further into mire. I remember that particular boss used to hiss and do a literal face palm making the team wonder what they had done wrong. He did get a little comeuppance though when he used the word ‘bl**dy’ with the Tea Boy thinking the lowest ranking employee would not react. I was on sick leave at the time but I did get a call from one of the Managers who liked me to share the news that the Tea Boy decided to check the Code of Conduct in the Office and went to the Managing Director with it and a question about the use of the word. The Toxic Boss actually had to apologize!