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Additional Resources Mentioned

How to influence people with authentic persuasion

Level Up Your Leadership

7 ways to clearly show others your true integrity

 3 ways leaders can support important team goals

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Ever wished you had more control over your life and career? Maybe the members of your team who you to lead? Perhaps you secretly wish you could expand your sphere of control?

Hi. I’m Vatsala Shukla from Karmic Ally Coaching and I want to give you an important reassurance.

It’s okay to admit it because we all crave total control when it comes to our lives. However, there are many factors that need to be taken into account which makes it impossible.

The issue came up during a coaching call where the client expressed frustration about her team not escalating issues in a timely manner. She found herself in a situation where the only option was to micro-manage before she lost all control over the project delivery schedule.

This was leading to other problems. She needed a way out that was better than turning into a totally obnoxious control freak.

The solution is easy, provided it’s exercised in the right manner.

What we do have is influence power. You can expand your sphere of influence with all of the people close to you. Likewise, they can do the same to you.

Conscious intention is not required with influence as it is with trying to exert control. The use of our influence power is far more important than our being able to control people.

How do you become a good Influencer?

You use influence power all of the time without realizing it.

It is there with all of the things that you say and do. You need to decide whether to use your influence power for good rather than bad.

We all transmit our inner states with what we say and what we do.

Just as we get influenced by others, we too can exercise our influence to encourage others to be better and do better.

If you want to give something to the world then make a commitment to be a good influencer.

Think about it for a moment. What better thing can you do for the world than to be a shining example for people to follow?

There are no conscious intentions required as these can have the opposite effect. People don’t like conscious intentions and sense them as contrived. They have little influence power.

All you need to do is to become the type of example that you want to be. This is a full commitment and others will see the change in you. It will shine through in the words that you speak and the actions that you take.

Remember Gandhiji’s famous words on being the change you want to see in the world? It’s true.

This also means steering clear of Bad Influence.

Now don’t underestimate how much of your environment has the power to change your state. If you mix with people that are bad influences then it will not be long before you start to mirror them.

Some people have the inner strength to avoid this but with most of us it is something we have to work on. So it is best to avoid people that you know are a bad influence.

Unfortunately, we all have negative people in our circles. Some of them complain all of the time. Some are so bad they will try and sabotage something good that you are trying to achieve.

If you are a good influencer, then you can use this power to influence them. But you need to be careful as sometimes your guard will be down.

If you’re also empathic, I suggest using shielding techniques to avoid absorbing the negative vibrations while you work on being a more positive influence.

But all of this is easier said than done. The desire to be in total control all the time is a strong one.

Influence versus Control

In fact, a loss of control is a common cause of anxiety in many individuals, especially when it comes to things like flying in an airplane or riding in someone else’s car.  We experienced it as a collective during the pandemic years when the future was uncertain. We didn’t have any past experience to rely on to help us navigate the road ahead.

That is an extreme example but here’s the point.

No matter how much control you may want in life, it is important to realize that you will never have absolute control.

Frankly speaking, you don’t want it. Being a control freak isn’t a healthy concept. It doesn’t make you a popular or respected leader either.

Instead, focus on how you can influence your life, or the lives of others, without imposing or trying to control.

According to Psychology Today, our need for control has a strong influence on all of our lives.

Some people have a greater than normal need for control, making them what some would call “control freaks”.

You may be able to control your job, what you wear, and the car you drive, however there is nothing you can do to stop an oil leak from occurring or someone bumping into you and spilling their coffee on you.

That is why the quest for control is an impossible one.

Rather psychologists suggest you work on influencing things in your life, rather than focusing on gaining absolute control.

Unlike control, when you work on influencing something, you’ll feel the same sense of accomplishment, as you do with establishing control, without stressing over the aspects you cannot change.

You’ll feel more at peace with yourself and less anxious of the outcome of your actions.

For example, when you are passionate about a subject or topic, you may write a blog post or post on LinkedIn hoping to influence how people see the topic. You can’t force people to read your post, nor can you control what they think after they read it. Yet, you will sleep easier at night knowing you’ve done something towards a cause you support.

Coming back to the client, the more she tried to control her team, the worse their performance and discontent.

When you try to control people absolutely, you’ll find that you’re quickly accumulating enemies. People don’t like being controlled. Rather focus on influencing them.

Instead of telling them what to do, try suggesting what they can do. Have brainstorming meetings to get everyone’s ideas heard. Let them know they are being heard and even encourage discussions rather than giving orders.

So instead of trying to control someone, or something, try instead to use your influence on them. All parties involved will be much happier.

If you use your influence to try and affect someone else’s life, even if they don’t adhere to your suggestions or leading, they will still respect you for giving your input. Chances are that your opinions or thoughts would be much more negatively received if you tried to insert them in a controlling fashion.

The point is, no one likes being controlled, or feeling like they are being controlled. And in some instances, this is a form of abuse.

So, when you want someone or something in your life to go a certain way, instead of trying (and probably failing) to have control over the outcome, instead try to focus on influencing it in the direction you want it to go.

You may just be surprised by how successful you are, and you’ll feel less anxiety the next time you are faced with something in life that is out of your control.

You see, Influence is a powerful Tool.

Very often, when we talk about influence (especially with beginners to the subject), it quickly becomes a question of manipulation in their mind. Influence can certainly be used for manipulation but we would never recommend that.

See influence as a tool or even an amplifier. It’s like money or a knife or… it’s how you use it that will impact the result. A knife can cut tomatoes and it can also be used for harm.

Using influence in an open and honest way is a far better solution for longer term results.

People use influence and persuasion every day to sell products, sway people to their way of thinking, help their children, and negotiate deals and so on. It is a very powerful tool and you need to use it in the right way.

In a world and society where competition is fierce, as a leader, you need to be able to convince, persuade, motivate, inspire.

Not only will you be better able to be efficient, reactive, different, but also differentiate yourself through finesse, with class and elegance once you have perfectly mastered the main principles of influence and persuasion.

You will facilitate the choice, decision-making and satisfaction of your customers and stakeholders.

You will also be able to recognize and avoid the traps of manipulators. In short, the advantages and benefits of influence are numerous.

Believe it or not, it is a fact that you have more influence than you credit yourself for. What you are not doing is identifying the opportunities to use it.

A lot of people do not have the confidence to use their influence as they may feel they do not have the right authority to do so. This is especially true in organizations.

3 Steps to become a Person of Influence

So, here are 3 Steps that you can use to become a Person of Influence which are the same ones that my client used and found a solution to her problem without becoming an obnoxious control freak.

And, you can always make improvements to enhance your power of influence.

Be Consistent

And the step that I’m going to share with you right now to become a person of influence is to be consistent.

If you are not someone that walks their talk then it is going to be really difficult for you to influence others. People want to see that you stand behind your values and practice what you preach. You are not perfect so you are likely to make some mistakes. But as long as there is consistency with what you say and what you do you are on the right track.

So, if you say you are going to do something then do it. If you agree to be somewhere at a certain time then don’t be late or not show up.

Integrity is essential for influence. By stating that you live your life against specific values you must demonstrate that you do this – even in your private life.

Consistent people are transparent. They do not have hidden agendas. Over time others know that they can trust them to deliver the goods. Others will listen to you a lot more when you achieve this and it will be easier for you to influence them.

The second one is to use empathy.

If you want to be a person of influence then you must listen to others. It is essential that you are able to understand the point of views of others. You may not agree totally with what they are saying but you can certainly get the gist of it. Use of empathy is a powerful way to gain trust and help you to influence.

Whether other people feel that you understand them depends, but when they do, they will be very likely to listen to you. They feel that you take their views into consideration and have their interests at heart. So use empathy to your advantage.

And thirdly, be courageous.

It is essential that you have the courage to get your point of view across. When an opportunity presents itself then you need to take it. Back this up with research and facts to present your opinion.

A more difficult situation is where you believe that existing ideas need to change.

You are going to need even more courage to stand up and say what you feel here. But if you don’t say anything when you know things are not working then you will let yourself down as well as others.

If you want to further develop your influence skill, I suggest you read my blog post on influencing people with authentic persuasion and also check out my Level Up Your Leadership offer to help you become a better leader so that you influence, inspire and impact others.

And that’s all for today. This is Vatsala Shukla signing off. Bye for now.