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Setting Boundaries – Part 1

Setting Boundaries – Part 2

Developing Your Self-Awareness

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Do you set healthy boundaries, or do you hand out permission slips to everyone to walk all over you?

Whether you answered yes or no or even with the phrase, ‘it depends’, let’s get clear about one thing.

Firm boundaries are fundamental for healthy relationships.

By relationships, I’m talking about ALL relationships. Not just romantic relationships. I’m talking about relationships with co-workers, clients, friends and family.

This includes your family pet. Anyone who has ever brought home a puppy and gone through the teething routine and training the puppy not to go into destructive mode when left alone will understand what I’m saying.

In other words, we’re considering everyone.

When you don’t set firm boundaries, your boundaries aren’t respected.

You then feel resentful. Things get messy very quickly.

I learned that lesson the hard way. Years ago, when I was working in Warsaw, my firm acquired an international client who needed support in setting up systems for his company.

The idea of tapping into an emerging market with his unique software was a good idea. The choice of finance manager wasn’t.

For reasons best known to him, he’d hired a lady to do the job but she knew nothing about finance. This lady’s field of specialization was fabric designing.

A colleague of mine who was in charge of the bookkeeping services went along with me to give this lady some basic training.

Things weren’t running smoothly though and before I knew it, I was getting daily calls from the client complaining about his finance manager. It revolved around her work and his inability to fire her because of her political connections.

There was no solution in sight that I could think of but these calls were eating into my chargeable hours. Our managing partner suggested I bill him for the wasted time. He too was getting complaint calls and was equally fed up.

So, I did it. I billed him!

The next call asked about this bill where he was firmly but politely told that I had no control over his finance manager or how he ran his set up. The daily calls weren’t business related and my boss had told me to charge for the therapy sessions.

Okay, I didn’t say therapy sessions but generally how it was causing a scope creep.

The client got the message and the calls stopped. Shortly after he found the courage to terminate the employment of this finance manager and we found him one who was qualified to do the job.

Hi, I’m Vatsala Shukla from Karmic Ally Coaching and today I’m going to take a closer look at what boundaries are and how can you set them.

So, what are personal boundaries?

In simple words, the Cambridge English Dictionary defines a boundary as:

“A real or imagined line that marks the edge or limit of something”.

It also gives the definition of boundary as

“the limit of what someone considers to be acceptable behaviour”

The principle behind personal boundaries embodies this same idea and applies it to our personal relationships.

For example, the phrase “to overstep a boundary” no doubt evokes the image of someone stepping over a physical line. Yet, it’s used to describe someone disregarding a personal boundary.

Just as people have boundaries, limits, and dividing lines in physical space, people have boundaries in our relationships. These are lines that demarcate what we’re ok with and what we’re not.

Much like literal physical boundaries though, personal boundaries have to be put in place. A fence doesn’t just materialize out of nowhere. Someone put it there to enforce a boundary.

It’s the same in your personal life. People won’t necessarily know what your specific personal boundaries are unless you set them yourself.

Sometime back I wrote a 2-part blog post on setting boundaries with guidance to create those boundaries.

The first step in boundary setting is to become self-aware. This is also the first domain if you want to improve your emotional intelligence.

I’ve got an excellent resource for that which I will share in the links.

Knowing what to do without knowing why to do it is often the issue with weak boundaries. These are the ones that you can’t sustain for a long time.

Take complete responsibility

Accept that nobody else is going to set boundaries for you. Embrace that if someone continually disrespects your boundaries, it’s your responsibility to make sure they know where your boundaries are. This brings me to the next necessity for boundary setting.

Get clear on what you’re OK with and what you’re not

It’s going to be impossible to set boundaries if you don’t actually know what your boundaries are.

So the idea here is to cultivate self-awareness and emotional intelligence. That way, you can be sure where your boundaries are in a given relationship at any time.

Over time, your boundaries will change because both you and your relationships will evolve. So daily reflection in some form, be it a journal or other method, is essential here.

Reflect on the boundaries in your life that already exist (or don’t exist)

There are some boundaries, or lack thereof, that result simply from the culture you live in. This doesn’t just mean the country where you live, but also what the culture is like at work, with friends, and at home.

This point is highlighted by Steven Jacob in his article about the complexities of navigating boundaries from a culturally sensitive perspective.

In Western culture, setting boundaries is often seen as a critical aspect of building and maintaining healthy relationships.

In contrast, for those from collectivist cultures, where family units are central to social life and decision-making, defining and maintaining boundaries can be particularly challenging.

Things get even more confusing when the nuclear unit family structure starts to develop in these previous collectivist cultures.

Boundaries also depend on who you are interacting with. For example, someone might decide that they have healthy boundaries with their romantic partner, but not with their friends and co-workers.

The point is to examine your environment and see what boundaries are already in place and which boundaries are lacking.

Which existing boundaries line up with your own and which one’s clash?

Don’t be afraid of conflict or confrontation

You can’t set boundaries without confrontation. You can try and be passive aggressive, but you really can’t expect people to know what you want unless you communicate it directly. I get it. It’s uncomfortable.

However, it’ll save you discomfort in the future. Plus, being bold enough to stick up for your boundaries will help you build more fulfilling relationships with deeper connections.

You’ll need to have tough personal confrontations which often mean conflict of one sort or another. It’s not always easy. In fact, it’s almost never easy.

But you need to be OK with having these hard conversations because they’re often unavoidable when it comes to setting boundaries.

Think of situations where your boundaries are routinely crossed and prepare for them.

You probably know certain people who constantly disrespect your boundaries.

Maybe it’s a friend, a relative, or a coworker. Either way, you’re probably quite familiar with the things they do that make you uncomfortable and resentful.

Finally, get clear on what boundary you need to set. Have a “script” ready for the next time they cross that boundary. This is important.

Oftentimes, people, especially those we care about, don’t know they’re overstepping boundaries because we never say anything about it. We say “yes” all the time because we want to be helpful and don’t want to upset anyone. And saying “no” feels too confrontational or rude.

Remember though, knowing when to say no is important for both parties.

It’s not just about you. A relationship suffers without strong, healthy boundaries.

It’s your turn now. Which boundaries are you going to assess first? Do they need to be strengthened or changed?

Do you need support to do the needful?

Reach out to me and let’s have a no-obligation chat about it.

This is Vatsala Shukla from Karmic Ally Coaching signing off. To your strong boundaries!