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Assertiveness is fun when you Fog the Critic


Criticism-that-confuses-you

 

Have you ever had a critical boss, colleague or “friend” who has managed to put you down in such a manner that no one noticed it apart from you.

Think hard, has there ever been a time when you have been receiving so-called constructive criticism or well-wisher advice that has left you knotted in the stomach or confused you when you replayed the conversation wondering whether your response was adequate and appropriate to the situation?


Do You recognize Passive-Aggressive Communication when it’s staring you in the face?

 

Passive aggressive communication can make the head hurt from confusion

 

 

Quite possibly you have been subjected to Passive-Aggressive communication with mixed messages that can easily trip even the most assertive individual. This style of indirect communication is quite destructive and often not easy to identify as the body language may not match the tone or choice of words. Sometimes the comment may be funny or full of sarcasm. Warning bells should sound if you are receiving mixed messages which are leaving you confused or making you resentful. Then it is time to take action before your self confidence takes a hit.

One example that I remember from my teen years happened to a friend which illustrates the point.

“I love your almond shaped eyes; they take attention away from the acne on your cheeks”. 

 

On hearing that statement she was completely stunned – was it a compliment or a jibe? Hours of girl-talk later, we were not sure but felt it was criticism and knew she should have responded. If only we had known then about the assertiveness skill of fogging to diffuse criticism and prevent conflict.

How to master the assertiveness skill of fogging

 

Fog bank technique for handling criticism

 

Fogging is based on agreeing with your critic like a fog bank. Here, we look at the criticism as feedback accepting that it is only that person’s opinion. Your own opinion about yourself is the one that matters. But what if there is some truth in what the other person is saying, however sloppily it is communicated? Instead of launching into a defensive attack or arguing, would it not be more productive to try to get to the root of what is being communicated?

With fogging you acknowledge what the critic is saying or some part of it which may be true. You may not agree with what is being said as relating to you but you agree with the possibility or probability that what they say is true. In other words, you absorb the criticism without getting defensive and stay calm, leading to further dialogue as the other person feels that they have been heard. You can also ask the critic to clarify their assertion thus putting the burden on the critic to explain themselves.

Don’t be surprised if the critic backs off since it is quite exhausting to continue criticizing someone who is not reacting in the manner the critic would like.

In my friend’s case the options would have been:

  1. If she felt there was some truth in the statement: You’re right, my eyes do take attention away from the acne on my cheeks
  1. If she didn’t agree with the criticism but was willing to admit to the possibility of the critic being right – Sometimes my eyes and other features do deflect attention away from  the acne on my cheeks
  1. If she didn’t agree with the criticism, she could simply admit to the principle of the criticism– Sometimes it helps to have other features to cover for the flaws on a person’s face

 

Past the absorption stage the next step would have been to ask for clarifications, like what should one do about the acne?

My friend might have learned something useful about acne treatment or better yet, the critic might have backed off!

In such a situation, which option would you use? 

 

PS. Carrying off this assertive technique requires self-assurance and confidence. If you feel you need help in that area, please do check out my Kindle book – Self Confidence in 8 Steps.

 

 

 

If you know someone who is suffering from criticism and needs a strategy to tackle the aggressor, please share this post with them using the share buttons below. Thanks!

 

Written By: Vatsala Shukla

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Meet your coach

I believe the world would be a better place if high achieving professionals accepted setbacks and challenges to their careers as Wake Up Calls to embark on a Journey where their empowered course correcting actions create a New World Order that encompasses achieving their career aspirations & potential with authentic life balance.

Using a combination of intuition and analytical skills, I help my clients identify their real issues with exercises to still their mind and allow their inner feeling to emerge in a place of confidentiality and trust.

I work with driven, passionate, talented and ambitious professionals who’ve hit a speed breaker in their business or career create their desired breakthrough reclaiming control of their situation with customized strategies and tactics that work.

When my clients first come to me, they are not in a very happy place and need clarity about themselves and their chosen vocation. Their professional problems are playing havoc with other areas of their life. They know they need to take radical steps to change the status quo but they also know that they need support and accountability to get them their desired result.

I really get it, because at one point, I also experienced getting lost in my work rationalizing decisions that were detrimental to the other aspects of my life. I’ve struggled with and won battles of stress management, life balance and career decisions to emerge in a place where I can confidently say that I live my desired life according to my personal Manifesto and have created a business that provides me with a platform for my desired lifestyle and self-expression for myself. I want that for you too!

I adhere to the Certified Coaches Alliance Code of Ethics and Standards. A copy is available on request.
1st place BCB 2012
Email: Vatsala(at)karmicallycoaching(dot)com Phone:91 9818517664
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